Another angel goes home

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Another angel goes home
4
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:50pm
I lost my father on Friday. That was so hard, it's difficult going to the house where I grew up and not seeing him there. I went to his room today and everything still smells like him. I don't ever want to wash that smell away.We had family over on Saturday night and they were all talking about the times that they had shared with my father. I am so jealous. My parents were foster parents to many children and a lot of those kids are now grown up and they still come around-which is great. I am very thankful for each and every one of them but I am so jealous of their time with him. I was born late, not until my parents were in their 40's. They began foster parenting ten years before I was born so when I hear stories of all the great times they had with my father I become very jealous. I never let them know it, I just smiled and said "I'm glad you got to spend time with him. He really loved you."By the time I got here my father had already had back surgery due to a slipped disc so he wasn't able to move around very well so I missed out on the hunting trips, a lot of camping and fishing. Being in a house full of kids (between 8 and 12 other children)it was hard to get the attention I wanted from my parents. Whenever we went somewhere we always took them along, whether it was camping, fishing, or vacationing. In 95 they quit being foster parents but my father was going through his first round of chemo and didn't have the energy to go places. And in 96 I had my first child-whom he loved very much. He did teach my son a lot about being a man, hunting, fishing and how-to's.
My mom and brother and I went to the funeral home today to make arrangements, my brother walked out leaving my mom and I to make all the decisions. Somehow I knew that would happen. My brother never helps with cleaning their house, making repairs, and cleaning the yard-why would he be of help now? I know everyone grieves in different ways but come on- this is the last thing we have to do for dad. It's not like I'm asking him to help clean out the garage or rake the leaves in their yard(which reminds me it needs to be done sometime this week). My poor mom just sat there with tears in her eyes asking my what I wanted. It's not all my decision. I helped her make the choices she wanted. I made sure it would make her happy. I want it to be nice for both of them. Maybe I am just cold hearted and just don't know it. My own family has been neglected for two weeks now, I can't remember the last time I hugged my husband. I know this sounds bad but I'm glad it's over. He suffered so long in the hospital. The final three days were very scary. He would have very real dreams(to him) and wake up saying things that didn't make sense to us. He would see things(that weren't there) and ask us to get them for him.He never forgot who we were. I can still hear him saying I love you.
I am so thankful for this site-whether or not this gets read by anyone it sure has helped me vent. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 1:07am

hello,


well, first off id like to give my condolences for your loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 9:45am

(((Heidi))))


My deepest heartfelt condolences to you and your family on the loss of your dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 11:34pm

thh15.gif image by maggie3333


Heidi, I am so sorry for your loss.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 10:20pm
Thank you for your reply. I know this sounds terrible but I'm glad I'm not alone in the resentment and anger that I have been feeling. Obviously it's normal if someone else had those same feelings. Your email made me feel a little better. Thank you for your support.
May God Bless You.
Heidi