Feeling horrible

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2008
Feeling horrible
9
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 11:57am

I am feeling so guilty right now.  Let me explain what has led up to the problem before I get into the actual problem...


My fiance was diagnosed with Barretts esophagus in Jan 06.  Well Feb of this year they found it had advanced to esophageal cancer.  He had the surgery done on Mar 26th to remove the T1 cancer tumor.  The good news - it looks like they might have gotten it all in time.  However there were complications after the surgery:  Intubation, infections and he ended up in Critical care for almost 5 weeks.  A reg room for about 1 week and now is in a LTAC facility.  During the critical care he was medically sedated because of bad anxiety and how ill he was.  I was there every day basically all day.


I have been becoming more and more depressed.  Seems that my depression has deepened since he is awake and actually getting better.  I stayed strong when things were looking bad.  I am feeling so worn out but I want to be there for him.  It just seems every day its getting harder and harder to force myself to go to the LTAC.  Its not that I don't want to be there for him - I DO.  Its just the depression I think. 


This has me feeling guilty because he is the one who has gone thru SO much and he needs me.  I don't want to hurt him by telling him I am not coming one day.  He cant skip being there a day... 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2008
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 4:48pm

just hang in there.I know how hard this is for you,i"ve been there my self.but you must fine time for you.weather it be coming home after a long day and watching

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 6:35pm

Welcome to the board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2008
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 11:19pm

My dad was just diagnosed with esophageal cancer, we are told his is stage 2, i think that means that it has not gone to any surrounding tissue. We are going Thursday to have an ultra-sound, so the doctors can decide if surgery is an option or if he should do chemo before surgery. I am very nervous about the surgery, I have read alot that really scares me. We have heard so many different things from doctors, some suggest surgery, others say chemo. What was your situation?


This is just all so new to me, and I know it's very scary to my dad also. My brother and I are trying to keep him very positive about everything.


Any information you can share would be very appreciated.


My prayers are with you...


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2008
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 9:38am

My fiance was told during his initial consultation with the cancer specialist that T2 might require some chemo but chances are still good as long as there is no lymph node involvement

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2008
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 9:44am

Thank you for your replies.


I have been taking it day by day

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 5:42pm

You sound as if you are doing

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2008
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 8:59pm

Yes, I am taking it day by day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 11:36pm
We always seem to be the ones that are taking care of everyone else.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 9:22pm
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, but he is so lucky to have you there. He is aware of your presence and I am sure it gives him the strength to continue to fight his fight. With that said, you also need to find some "you" time. He may sense the strain and toll this is taking on you. I know for me personally, I just went through something similar with my father. I live out of state and he had been in and out of the hospital, visits were getting more frequent. I flew out during this visit because I knew this trip was different. I vowed not to leave his side- since he was so heavily sedated, I didn't want him to awake and have no one there at any given time. I slept at the hospital and watched the clock pass minute by minute. I would sleep for 3 to 5 hours a night. I became so fatigued and my family saw the toll it was taking on me and made me leave the hospital just to grab a quick bite for an hour, doing a load of laundry or to take a walk outside to get fresh air. I have to admit it felt good to get out. I would come back in the room with a recharged feeling and I know that my dad could feel it. You just need to find a happy balance. If your fear is leaving him alone, then work something out with family members so your mind is at ease- you will feel better and you have nothing to feel guilty for. ~Good luck to you!