When cancer affects your relationships
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| Mon, 07-21-2008 - 3:03pm |
We have been caring for my terminally ill father in law for 3 months now. He has renal cell cell carcinoma metastasized to brain, lungs and bones. He has gone from a strong independent man to one who can't even think rationally. He had surgery to put rods in his legs to prevent anymore breaks(had break in the shin)during surgery he was put on respirator - coming off of respirator he had a heart attack. 4 days before surgery his house burned down. We were able to get everyone out in time.
He is feeling better now, they have him on steroids - so he is aggressive and impatient and fully expects you to be at his every call in an eighth of a second. I love my father in law and I have been patient and kind - even when he throws things at me or beeps the horn 50 times in one minute. I have taken off a lot at work, have been to every doctors appointment, wiped his nose and his bottom, and am starting to feel financial demise.
My husband and I are under tremendous strain. We agreed to start a family 6 months ago and I have had 2 miscarriages since. I feel so overwhelmed right now. My husband & I are struggling in our relationship because of everything. Since we found out in April we have been strong together, until the past weekend. My father in law had two of his other children & son in law with him - he wanted to go to dinner. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and asked my husband if we could skip this one dinner - he had support and would be safe. He threw a fit saying I was keeping him from his family - He has not been home since - 2 days now. I explained I wasn't keeping him from his family & he could go without me - I desperately needed sleep. He is still angry. I truly don't think it is at me - but I don't know how to cope either. 13 years of marriage - he has never not come home. We have always leaned on each other. I miss him & I am scared we will not survive this tragedy.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to get through this & come out stronger in the end?

I am so sorry about all that you are going through.
Thank you so much for your response and advice. To answer your questions - it was an electrical fire. He has not responded at all to the miscarriages - we have not told anyone.
We are now back on track - together. He describes it as if he is trapped in
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Men have a strange way with their emotions. They don't talk about them very openly. You may have to find other ways to communicate with him. Letter writing has worked for my husband & I - dealing with his dad's bone, lung & brain cancer.
Whilst reading you remarks, and being confronted by the changes in the personality of my wife who suffers non hodgkin lymphomia stage 4, I had to think of the remark made by my uncle a psychiatrist. We should have each gotten our own psychtherapist for support. We did not. In the States the is an organisation of which psychotherapist specialised in Oncology are members, I believe iit is called the AOPA, but your GP or at the hospital the should be able to advise thereon.