When cancer affects your relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
When cancer affects your relationships
8
Mon, 07-21-2008 - 3:03pm

We have been caring for my terminally ill father in law for 3 months now. He has renal cell cell carcinoma metastasized to brain, lungs and bones. He has gone from a strong independent man to one who can't even think rationally. He had surgery to put rods in his legs to prevent anymore breaks(had break in the shin)during surgery he was put on respirator - coming off of respirator he had a heart attack. 4 days before surgery his house burned down. We were able to get everyone out in time.


He is feeling better now, they have him on steroids - so he is aggressive and impatient and fully expects you to be at his every call in an eighth of a second. I love my father in law and I have been patient and kind - even when he throws things at me or beeps the horn 50 times in one minute. I have taken off a lot at work, have been to every doctors appointment, wiped his nose and his bottom, and am starting to feel financial demise.  


My husband and I are under tremendous strain. We agreed to start a family 6 months ago and I have had 2 miscarriages since. I feel so overwhelmed right now. My husband & I are struggling in our relationship because of everything. Since we found out in April we have been strong together, until the past weekend. My father in law had two of his other children & son in law with him - he wanted to go to dinner. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and asked my husband if we could skip this one dinner - he had support and would be safe. He threw a fit saying I was keeping him from his family - He has not been home since - 2 days now. I explained I wasn't keeping him from his family & he could go without me - I desperately needed sleep. He is still angry. I truly don't think it is at me - but I don't know how to cope either. 13 years of marriage - he has never not come home. We have always leaned on each other. I miss him & I am scared we will not survive this tragedy.


Anyone have any suggestions on how to get through this & come out stronger in the end?    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 07-21-2008 - 11:25pm

I am so sorry about all that you are going through.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2008
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 10:37am
My BF and i have been together for 6 years, and through 5 years of college, 1200 miles apart for all five of those years (minus holidays and summer vacations). You would think that there wasnt anything we couldnt handle. Then his mother was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. that was 3 years ago; she passed away in February. Since then our relationship has obviously been tested, and for all 3 years including the first couple months after her death, i thought we were doing ok. It hasnt been until recently when hes become mean, angry, withdrawn. i try to talk to him but he just doesnt want to talk at all. i kno that all of this is to be expected, but i have no idea how to handle him, especially now that he has begun to take is pain out on me. I cant help but feel hurt, upset, angry at him, and i feel like its not fair to him. NONE of this is fair to ANYONE. I just wish that we could talk without him getting angry and yelling or demeaning me. i know that this is mostly displaced anger, but how do i deal?
Meg

 

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 3:53pm
We each grieve differently.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 5:15pm

Thank you so much for your response and advice. To answer your questions - it was an electrical fire. He has not responded at all to the miscarriages - we have not told anyone.


We are now back on track - together. He describes it as if he is trapped in

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 5:33pm

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Men have a strange way with their emotions. They don't talk about them very openly. You may have to find other ways to communicate with him. Letter writing has worked for my husband & I - dealing with his dad's bone, lung & brain cancer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 11:54pm
I am glad that things are getting better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2008
Tue, 08-12-2008 - 8:53am

Whilst reading you remarks, and being confronted by the changes in the personality of my wife who suffers non hodgkin lymphomia stage 4, I had to think of the remark made by my uncle a psychiatrist. We should have each gotten our own psychtherapist for support. We did not. In the States the is an organisation of which psychotherapist specialised in Oncology are members, I believe iit is called the AOPA, but your GP or at the hospital the should be able to advise thereon.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 08-13-2008 - 11:08pm
It actually is called the APOS

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