I need help dealing
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| Tue, 07-22-2008 - 11:21am |
Mom entered the hospital on June 6th due to fluid build-up as the cancer eventually made it's way to her lungs & liver. During that stay the docs finally told her there was no more fighting to be done. She went home with a hospital bed, commode, and all. Up to then she had still been trying to work. She was such a fighter! :)
By June 16th she was no longer getting out of bed & by June 29th she was gone. The days between there were absolute hell and I NEED to know if this was normal. We had at least 7 different hospice nurses come to her home those last couple of weeks and no one told us what to expect. I wish they had. Her death is haunting me.
I feel like I should have done more. Or maybe I didn't do enough to keep her from suffering. I watched her die and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. Her breathing went from labored to something that looked like a fish out of water. She lost motor control; her hands curled and she poke her eyes and not even know. She couldn't move her body, even while we tried to change her clothing and sponge bathe her. She couldn't talk; she made sounds like she was calling out. Her last breaths were so hard to watch.
Why didn't anyone tell us this would happen? So many of them said "it's close" or "she's actively dieing." But no one ever said she may not just slip away like you see in the movies. Death is ugly.
Besides dealing with the fact that my mom is gone and I miss her terribly, I'm also feeling like I did something wrong. I should have asked for more meds. Or maybe we were giving her too many meds. Did we push the button too often and make it worse? Or, what breaks my heart even more, was she still trying to fight? Was she scared?
I'm the oldest. I'm the one who took mom to every appointment and kept in contact with all of her doctors. I'm the one she left in charge of her estate. I'm the one who made her funeral arrangements. I'm the one who everyone came up to and said thanks for taking care of her, you did a good job, you were there when she needed you. But I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like an immature little girl who doesn't know anything and who lost her mommy.





I'm so sorry this happened to you. From your post, I can tell that you were above and beyond in your care of your mom. I've not experience this yet, but it's in my future. My mom has mesothelioma--the lung cancer from asbestos exposure--and the end stages of that are also very rough. She has outlived her prognosis by five months and is still going, albeit more slowly, but she's still independent and no on oxygen yet.
Sometimes, it does turn out like the movies where the patient just slips away, but I think it also happens the other way like your mom experienced too. There is a reason people are grateful the suffering is done.
It will be hard for you to move from those memories--is there a support group or therapist or someone you could see about that? This next year with all the "firsts" is going to be hard enough for you, you don't need the weight of a false guilt. Your feelings are normal, but I don't believe they are justified. You--and your mom--were fighting something that was ultimately going to win, but you both fought the good fight.
Ramona
Hi Amirda.
Armida, I am so sorry for your loss.
Hi there,
I am so sorry that no one was there for you during your last days with your mother. I am even sadder for you that no one told you what to expect when death comes.
You are so correct death is ugly and for you it is also traumatic to watch.