Feeling Helpless Today
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| Tue, 07-29-2008 - 9:52am |
This might be a little confusing but I am going to attempt to sort out my feelings....
First a little background information. My boyfriend of 6 years moved into my neighborhood when we were in the 4th grade. SInce then we have been inseparable friends and lovers, and its been wonderful. His mother and my mother became really great friends and both our large families spend countless fun times together and had a great relationship. Needless to say his family is like my own.
In February my BF mother died from colon cancer. She was diagnosed 3 years ago in a terminal stage IV. She was told that she only had maybe a year to live. But she fought, and fought hard. It became too much in the end, and those last weeks we had with her were truly some of the darkest times i feel i will ever experience. Today is her birthday, she would have been 42. She left behind 4 kids ( 22, 20, 18, 16) and a loving husband, all of whom have been completely devestate and crippled by her death.
I had never seen anything like this before. I had alwaya thought i knew all about cancer, but until you are right there in the thick of it you just have no idea the absolute heartbreak that goes into watching someone you love struggle in pain like that. I have never really sorted out how i felt about it.
I returned to my last semester at college only a week after she passed (you only get time off if the person who died is somehow related to you). I figured that the best way to finish school was to throw myself back into my old life of hours on end of school work, working on the school paper, and trying to surround myself with friends. The problem with that is, now that it is summer i just realized i never really dealt with it, and now i am sometimes consumed with grief. and it is hard for me to explain that to a family that lost their mother....i jumped into the role of cooking and cleaning for them, running errands, taking care of appointments, i even helped with the funeral. All the while, nobody stopped to ask me how i felt, it seems that everyone thinks im doing just fine because of all the stuff ive been doing.
I wanted to talk to my mom about it, but she still bursts into tears at the very mention of her name, let alone recapping her battle. Its just that right now it seems like nothing will ever get back to even. I am afraid that my BF will never be able to be completely happy again, i am worried that I will never get over it, and that everytime we have something happy happen in our lives her death will add a little sorrow to it.
I just want to know that my feelings are normal. It is ironic that during her battle we had so much hope, and now i just have no faith left....i just want to put myself back together? Any advice ladies?
PS what can we do today to remember her the way she should be?

Hi Meg!
Cheryl,
Thanks so much for your kind words. I almost fell out of my chair when you said you mom was into angels, bc so was my MIL, big time. They are covering her house still, which is a nice presence. I really liked the candle idea and when out shopping on my lunch hour for a couple. I called my BF and we made plans to cook her favorite meal tonight, that really helped to.
Its a strange change of pace to take care of myself when I am used to taking care of others. I hope to find some peace inthe coming weeks. You really boosted my spirits today, and i am very greatful for that.
Meg, I am so sorry for your loss.