Need support, shoulder on which 2 cry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Need support, shoulder on which 2 cry...
10
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 3:54pm

Hi everyone,


It's been a hell of a summer for my family... Firstly, my sweet sister, who had suffered multiple strokes back in 8/04 (after a minor stroke in 1/04) is dying of congestive heart/kidney failure, at home.  She was always full of life.  The multiple strokes left her completely debilitated, on oxygen and gastric feeding tube.  Back in May we found out about the heart failure and soon after that she began to show signs of kidney failure.  My parents have been her caregivers since 4/05.


The double whammy... On July 2nd, I took my Dad for a colonoscopy (no, not routine), and afterwards, I was called into the recovery room.  The doctor began to speak... "Cancer... oncologist..."
It was very surreal, I felt so far away, wanting to just scream at the world.


It was supposedly caught quickly, but, still... it's cancer.  The C word has invaded my family, all while my sister is dying.  I have been crying buckets.


On Tuesday Dad is having a port placed into his chest for chemo treatments, and, in addition to radiation therapy, he'll be undergoing them for about 6 weeks before they remove the tumor.  They couldn't do anything during colonoscopy b/c he's on Coumadin. 


I'm just so... terrified.  :(


There have been some very ... well... stupid comments made regarding this whole situation.  Firstly, 2 days after the diagnosis, I was at the mall with my kids and husband, at the play area with my daughter.  Sat next to an older woman, we began chatting.  All went well, she was very friendly.  Talked about her granddaughter, it was her b-day a couple of weeks later, they were having a huge party for her (3rd b-day).  Last year they weren't able to have a major celebration b/c she, the grandmother, was very ill.  She had cancer.  I was intrigued by her story, thinking, WOW, you're doing great now, a survivor.  I then began to share my story, about my sister, and then my Dad. 
She asked what sort of cancer my Dad has... and I told her.  She then began to say "Oh my goodness, I have an uncle (or whatever) who died from that last year and a dear friend of mine died a few months ago from it."

Um... yeah, tell me more... NOT.


Then... my Dad's brother and SIL have this sick notion that he "came down with cancer" because of the fact that he has been taking care of my sister for so long, became so exhausted and screwed up his immune system!
These are actually very intelligent people... but apparently lack a few brain cells.  They have been wanting my parents to put my sister in a home for a long time.  :(  My sister was in a nursing home for a while, but they almost killed her... 3x.)


So... We're going through quite a bit of turmoil. 
I'm crying just typing this out...


Vida

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 08-11-2008 - 11:45pm

hugsflowers.gif image by maggie3333


I am so sorry about your sister and your dad, Vida.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Tue, 08-12-2008 - 7:00pm

Thanks so much, Maggie, for the kind words and sense of compassion.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 08-13-2008 - 11:27pm

Vida, I always say that I think sometimes it is hardest on the caregivers.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 5:11pm

((((Vida))))

Come visit the Minnesota board where

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 7:08pm

Thanks, Maggie... I know that you are on vacation now, but wanted to thank you for responding again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 7:17pm

Hi Lauri, Thanks so much for coming by and checking in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 10:36pm

Vida,
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy, a teacher at one of the schools I service said, "So you have breast cancer, huh? I knew three women with breast cancer. They're all dead."

Fortunately, I know her to be a negative person and could just blow it off. There were others to tell me their stories: Five years, cancer free, last week. Eight years. An mom with 20+ years. It's easy to gravitate to the negative, but there really are so many survivor stories, and Lauri is right--early detection and improved treatment methods make a big difference. And I agree with Maggie, the port is wonderful. It makes everything much easier.

I'm sorry all this seems to be happening to your family at one time. My mom has mesothelioma and went through a grueling six rounds of chemo last summer, but it did buy her extra time. The doctors thought she'd not make it past February, but she's still hanging in there, though she may need to go on oxygen soon. It's hard having multiple family members so seriously ill--but it just happens. We look for reasons, but they don't exist. I think other people look for reasons to try to make themselves feel safe: it can't happen to me because I'm not whatever-they-think-caused-this." But that's false too--cancer doesn't care and it hits the fit, the unfit, those who "follow the rules" and those "who never follow the rules." Somewhere along the line, my mom--a housewife--was exposed to asbestos and it gave her incurable cancer that will kill her in the near future.

I hope things go as best they can and that your family will find strength and comfort in each other.
Ramona

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 9:27pm
Vida, I know many people who have survived colon cancer and are back at work. Take it one day at a time.

Travi


Travi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Tue, 08-26-2008 - 1:31am

***It is hard sometimes for people to think that cancer just happens.****


When my sil was diagnosed with cancer, every time she saw the doctor she questioned him...."Could it have been the Splenda." "Could it have been living in New Mwxico." "Could it have been X,Y,Z." Finally her Dr. said "Stop it! You did not give yourself cancer. Cancer happens."


As humans we want a reason. But sometimes there isn't one.



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 12:57am
You are so right.

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