Early 20's, Newlyweds, Hubby has Cancer

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Early 20's, Newlyweds, Hubby has Cancer
3
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 12:28am

Hi, I'm new to this board but I think that it's the right one for me to be posting on. Let me start out by saying, that I'm not really here for support. I've been dealing with this situation for long enough that I've found my own ways of coping and taking care of myself and my husband. I'm not really looking for condolences or sentiments, but prayers and good thoughts are of course, always welcome. If, on the off chance there IS someone who reads this who is in my same situation, I'd love to hear from you to share experiences and see how they're different and similar. That being said, here's my story (and bear with me, it's a long one!):


Since I was a little girl I imagined what my Prince Charming would be like. I imagined what his name would be and what color of hair he would have. I wondered about how tall he would be, and what sort of job he would have. All of this imagining, and when I actually did find my real-life Prince, he was nothing like what I expected. He looked normal of course, dark brown hair, devestatingly deep blue eyes, tall (6'3), tan (Italian descent), and had incredible aspirations of becoming a neurologist. This is my Prince Charming.


What I never imagined was that my Prince would have cancer. He and I met in a college class (we have a similar major) and since our second date, we haven't gone a day without seeing each other! We married about 3 months ago and have been together a total of 1 year and 3 months. He's my whole world and he never ceases to amaze me and make me feel like the luckiest woman in the world, despite our situation.


Two days after Christmas 2007, my husband was diagnosed with stage IIIB testicular cancer. It had originated in his right testicle and had metastasized to lymph nodes in his back, abdomen, and lungs. This was 4 months into our relationship. He had no usual symptoms (no pain or swelling in the testicles, no lumps, etc). His only symptom was excruciating back pain that was overlooked by 3 doctors before being properly diagnosed. He was given a CT scan which showed enormous tumors throughout his body. He had a surgery at the beginning of January 2008 to remove the right testicle and then underwent 12 weeks of chemotherapy.


After the chemo his AFP levels were back to normal and so his oncologist told him to come in every 5 weeks for a CT scan and more blood work. Toward the end of June we received news that the chemo hadn't completely finished off one tumor that was in his abdomen and that that tumor had begun to regrow. He underwent a lymph-node dissection to remove the tumor. The biggest risk of this surgery-retrograde ejaculation. Retrograde Ejaculation is when the sperm does not exit during orgasm but instead is backed up inside and exits into the bladder. My husband's surgeon said that there had been no nerve damage, but this later turned out to be a lie and now, as a result of the surgery, and the surgeon's carelessness, my husband is now unable to ejaculate during orgasm. This put a devastating damper on our desires to have children of our own. He did bank sperm before his treatments began, but the treatments that involve artificial insemination are extremely expensive, and we are young and poor and so having a family by this method is not going to be realistic anytime in the next 10 years.


4 weeks after the surgery and after some more routine blood work and scans, we were told that my husband's cancer had come back and had spread to his liver. This was horrible news considering the fact that a person's chance for cure decreases immensely with each recurrence of the disease. We then decided to seek treatment out of state.


Dr. Lawrence Einhorn is a world-class physician who pioneered the treatments for testicular cancer. He is the doctor who treated and cured Lance Armstrong. Our oncologist back home had sent a couple of other patients to see Dr. Einhorn in Indianapolis, IN and so we received a referral. With my husband's disease being at the stage that it was, we had no choice but to put our lives on hold (drop out of school for a semester, quit our jobs, etc) and move to Indianapolis. This is where we are now.


After meeting with Dr. Einhorn we were given a treatment plan that my husband has almost completed. When we first arrived he was treated with a 5-day round of chemotherapy. This left him weakened and sick and led to several visits to the Indiana University Medical Center's emergency room. A few weeks later, he began a bone marrow stem-cell transplant. They injected him with growth hormones to produce more stem cells, harvested them through a machine, and then gave him 3 days of high-dose chemotherapy. This high-dose chemotherapy consisted of drugs with 5x the strength of any chemo he had undergone before. After the high-dose chemo he received the stem-cell transplan. He was neutropenic and had no immune system. It took 16 days in the hospital before he was well enough to leave for 2 weeks. Now we are back in the hospital again, and he is repeating the same stem-cell transplant treatment. Today is day 1, and I'm already exhausted.


The good news is that his body is responding very well to the treatments in the sense of eliminating the cancer. He has been extremely sick, lost his hair again, lost nearly 20 lbs, and is of course irritable and miserable over being stuck in the same small room for weeks on end without being allowed to leave the wing.


My husband is 23 and I am 21. People have said how amazing it is that I stayed with him after finding out so early into our relationship about his cancer, but I was in love with him and had no choice but to stick it out in hopes that he and I can have a chance at a normal life someday. People ask us how married life is and I don't have an answer for them. Moving unexpectedly to a different state, living in a hospital room, and staying afloat financially from the help of generous and loving friends and family isn't exactly a normal married-life setting. All we have is each other right now and that has somehow gotten us this far.


Some of my stress comes from my mother-in-law. She and I get along great but she doesn't know how to handle stress and can't be faced with a tough situation or else she crumbles. But she still insists on being extremely involved in everything that is going on, and I understand that because she is my husband's mother. What she doesn't realize is that we're married now and it's my wifely responsibility to take care of my husband. It's not her responsibility anymore and with her constant worrying, and insistance on invovelment, she's trying my patience and creating stress that I don't need to be dealing with right now.


Another is that my "friends" have been much less than supportive. The girl I used to consider my "best friend" is someone that I no longer speak to and don't wish to have any sort of relationship with. She and I were childhood friends but we kept in constant and close contact with each other until about 2 years ago. The last meaningful phone conversation that I had with her was about 15 months ago when she called me in a panic because she thought she might be pregnant by her then fiance. It turned out she wasn't, and 6 months later the two of them got married. When she found out about my husband's cancer, she said "Oh, sweetie that's so terrible! Call me if you need anything." and that was the extent of the conversation. She never called me during his chemo treatments, nor has she made any effort to provide any sort of moral support. She is a silver-spoon baby as was I, but she has never had a trial to deal with in her life and has no idea what it takes to make it through something as serious as cancer. The last straw for me was a couple months ago when I found out she and her husband were pregnant. I found out over the internet, on facebook, and her excuse for not calling me was that "she couldn't get through". I knew this was crap because she and I have the same cell phone carrier and they are the best for coverage in the nation. I wasn't anywhere that I didn't have service in, and neither was she. The bottom line is that she couldn't be troubled to call and share her news with me (or knowing her, rub in the fact that she's pregnant and that my husband and I can't concieve naturally).


Basically it's been me on my own. My husband has friends that he talks to and when we're at home we hang out with them together and we all get along great. But they were his friends to begin with and they're his "boys" and aren't really into the whole "cry on my shoulder" thing. My parents and I have become closer because of this situation and they absolutely adore my husband. Our relationship with each other's parents is like a fairy-tale. Everyone gets along with everyone else...even our parents get along with each other's parents and we are able to have get-togethers with both sides of the family! I can talk to them about some things, but if you're not in the situation or you haven't been, you can't REALLY understand how it is.


There are times that I've felt very alone in this whole thing. I feel so blessed to have a wonderful husband who manages to put me first in his life even while dealing with his treatments. The first words he spoke after his lymph node surgery were when he opened his eyes from the anesthesia and saw me and said "Hi honey, I love you" and then fell back asleep. He's perfect. We never argue, he always makes sure that I'm not "bored just sitting there in the hospital room" and he is very considerate of what I've gone through with this situation too. It's not just all about him. It's about us, and he shows it. I know he loves me and that's something that is so special to me because you wouldn't think that he would be focused on anything else except getting through his treatments. I love him more everyday and it's amazing to me that he can manage to make me feel so special and loved and be so strong for himself at the same time.


I can't cry anymore. I used to be a cryer. I could go on for hours over something I thought was upsetting. Now, it's a 1-2 minute deal and it's over with. I miss crying.


Anyway, this is longer than it should be so thanks for letting me vent and get my story out.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 1:00am

I was just about to finally hit the sack, it's close to 1:00AM here, and something made me come by to check on the board before doing so.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 10:13pm

Dear sister,


When i saw your message title, "newlyweds, hubby has cancer", i was lost for words because i thought i was the only one in this world who has gone through this difficult experience. Here, i found someone who shared the same experience and struggles as me. This

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 8:22am

While I admire the strength that you and your husband

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