My first time

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
My first time
3
Sat, 12-13-2008 - 6:21pm

This is my first time here.  My mother passed away the day after Thanksgiving.  Our final week together was a gift from God.  I was able to care for her as she cared for me as a baby.  I was able to sing to her, pray with her, massage her and make sure she had what she needed in terms of pain meds and palliative care. In many ways, her death was beautiful.


My mother had three types of cancer spaning seven years.  She had Non Hodgkin's lymphoma which she beat.  A few years later she was diagnosed with large cell lung cancer. She had surgery and it did not come back.  Last year she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.  This cancer is aggressive.  She had good results at first but it came back with a Vengence and spread. 


I feared her death for so many years.  I worried so much about what her death would be like.  I worried about the suffering so much. A friend gave me a paper from the hospice that explained the passage of dying.  It explained what happens a few months before, a few days and then finally a few hours before the passing.  The information was so right on.  It helped me to see that there is an order to dying.  It is not random.  Like birth there are tell tale things that happen before death, just as there are with birth.


Her lungs were filled with cancer, yet her passing was gentle and calm.  Her breathing slowed and stopped.  She did not suffer in that last breath.  This was a comfort.


Her death was as gentle as her soul.  I am so thankful for that.


Her funeral was amazing.  My aunt and I put on her lip stick and eyeshadow.  She only wanted a little bit.  We wrapped her head in a beautiful scarf held in place by a  butterfly pin.  My sister in law made a movie with music and pictures. The children played and released balloons at the cemetery. 


I miss my beautiful mother and best friend.  She was a gentle grandmother a loving wife and a kind mother.


I reach for the phone so many times a day to share a joke or a story.


I miss her but I think that she is here in the face of my daughter.  She is here in my sons smile.  I just cannot imagine living my whole life without here.

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
In reply to: jemmomma
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 3:32pm

I am sorry about your mom!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
In reply to: jemmomma
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 1:01pm
i just lost my husband to small cell lung cancer on jan 28. im still crying and im still a mess. they say it gets easier with time but to me it seems like it just gets harder, i wasnt in the house when he passed away i was outside having a cigerette. when i came back in he was gone. my friend told me just yesterday that when she was coming in to check on carl she saw his spirit above him looking down at himself he was mad he flew at her as to say back off leave so she went and sat back down, in the last two or three days of his life he did not want company he just wanted me to be with him, i was not with him the last of his last breath, do you think he was mad at me for not being there?I LOVED HIM SO MUCH WE WERE SUPPOSETO SPEND OUR LIVE TOGETHER HE DIED AT THE AGE OF 50. WE GOT TOGETHER IN O1. WE DATED FOR 8 YEARS WE GOT MARRIED THE INDIAN WAY MAY 5, AND THEN NOV. 3 2008 WE GOT MARRIED OFFICIALLY, BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND ALSO BECAUSE HE LOVED ME. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING LOTS OF PEOPLE CAME, TO OUR FIRST SECOND WEDING AND THE FURNEAL WAS PACKED BECAUSE HE WAS LOVED BY SO MANY PEOPLE, AT THE FURNERAL A LITTLE BOY SAID LOOK GRANDMA THERES A MAN STANDING OVER THERE WITH A GUN, SHE DIDNT SEE ANYONE, THE LITTLE BOY SAID GRAMMA DID YOU HEAR THAT, SHE SAID HEAR WHAT AND THE LITTLE BOY SAID HE SHOT HIS GUN, WELL WE ALL FIGURED IT OUT IT WAS CARL SHOOTING HIS GUN. ALL HIS BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO ARE CHINOOK DRUMMED AT HIS FURNEAL, MY SON AND ALL HIS NEICES AND NEWPHEWS DRUMMED ALSO MY AUNT WHO WAS 91 SAID SHE COULD SEE ALL THE DEAD INDIANES STANDING BEHIND THE DRUMMERS. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL CEREMONY. PASTOR DAVE JOHNSON IN BAY CENTER LEAD US THRU THE SERVICE, HE CAME TO SEE CARL FREQENTLY WHEN HE WAS ALIVE AND I THANK GOD FOR TAKEN MY HUSBAND TO HEAVERN WITH HIM, I KNOW NOW HE IS NOT SUFFERING AND HE IS IN HEAVEN PLANTING TREES AND HUNTING FISHING AND EVERYTIME I PICTIUIRE HIM IN MY MIND I SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL SMILE AND HIS BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES. I LOVE HIM MORE AND MORE EACH DAY. HOSPIC SENDS ME LETTERS THE LAST ONE I DID NOT LIKE IT WAS TELLING ME TO LET CARL GO, BUT I CANT I DONT WANT TO SAY GOOD BYE. I WANT TO KEEP HIM FOR AWHILE LONGER I JUST NEEDED TO TELL SOME ONE HOW I FEEL. WE WOULD OF BEEN GOING ON 10 YEARS AND HE IS AND WAS THE ONLY MAN I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON AND THATS SAYING ALOT FOR ME. I WAS AND AM COMPLETELY FAITHFUL. AND THERE WELL BE NOONE TO FILL HIS PLACE OR TAKE THE LOVE HE GAVE ME FROM ME. HE WAS MY BEST NFRIEND MY HUSBAND AND MY FIRST TRUE LOVE, HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO SAY GOOD BYE?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: jemmomma
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 1:47pm

I'm sorry for your loss.