Tough decisions...how do you make them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2008
Tough decisions...how do you make them?
3
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 8:05pm

Hey everyone. I've never posted here before, but I have some questions and I thought this might be a good place to ask them. My grandfather is 90 years old and has been suffering with prostate cancer for quite a while. This is the second time he's had it, and it's been rough for about 2-3 years. Years ago doctors told us to expect a few months, so needless to say, it's been a roller coaster. I have a really small family, so my grandparents are pretty dependent on my mom, my brother, and me. I always disagreed with my grandmother's decision to put my grandpa through chemo at this late phase of his life, and it's bothered me for years that she would put him through treatment after treatment after hearing that it wouldn't cure him, only prolong his life. Because it's not his life we've been prolonging...it's his painful death. On Monday, things got even worse. He weighs about 100 pounds now, so he's weak and sick and he was having trouble breathing and in a lot of pain, so they took him to the hospital. Turns out he has 2 bladder infections and pneumonia. My mom said he's been hallucinating, sleeping most of the time, occasionally awake but not really alert, and the treatment isn't making him any better. Yesterday he was suddenly alert and doing a little better, but he kept asking for my grandma and my mom said he was talking about being concerned about how much money would be left and whether or not my grandma was going to be okay. We all kind of thought he wouldn't make it through the night. He did, but he hasn't been alert since yesterday.

My mom and I are feeling like it's time to let go. My grandma yesterday was encouraging him and telling him he'd be going home, but my mom talked to her last night and tried to get her to understand that she has to let go and let him go in peace. My mom spoke with the doctor this morning about stopping his insulin shots (he's diabetic) and perhaps taking him off the fluids he's been on to only treat his pain. My grandma is falling apart and unable to make this decision, so my mom (an only child) is trying to make the decision. She's just wondering if this would be painful for him. She doesn't want him to be miserable or suffering more. We all want him to go as peacefully as possible. But we're also kind of at the end of our rope. To make matters worse, I moved to California for law school in August, and the family is in Kentucky. So I'm not there, and that's how I want it. I don't handle illness and hospitals well. I want to remember my grandfather as he was, and I'm only home for 3 weeks. I don't want to come home to watch my grandfather die. I hate to sound horrible and selfish, but my mom and I just want him to go before I fly out on Friday. She'll need to be with my grandma, but she and I are super close and she wants to be able to spend time with me during my brief time at home. I don't know how much longer she can handle being at the hospital all day and all night. So I guess I'm just wondering if anyone knows anything about this. She's worried that he's heard her saying things about stopping his treatment even though he hasn't been alert, and she just doesn't want to make him suffer more. She was sobbing on the phone with me earlier because this is happening during the holidays and right before I come home. I just want to say the right thing and help her make this awful decision based on what's best for everyone. Any thoughts? Thanks so much.

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 4:11pm

Hi!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2008
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 12:26am
Thanks for the advice and support. This is just a tough time, and I know it would be awful anytime, but it just really sucks at Christmas. I got in late last night (sans luggage) so I went to the hospital today. We took my grandpa off fluids, insulin, and blood thinners on Monday, so we're just kind of...waiting. I am SO bad at handling illness and hospitals. Much worse than the average person, I'm pretty sure. I get all sick feeling and lightheaded...medical procedures are just one of my worst fears so I really struggle with going to see people. And it was awful. He hasn't really been awake or alert since Monday, so he opens his eyes, but I don't know if he really knew who I was. He weighs 90 pounds now, and his breathing has gotten really irregular so he can only lay there with his mouth open not knowing what's going on or able to talk. My mom wants me to go back tomorrow, but she said I didn't have to. I know I need to, but I just don't know how to handle it. It just makes me so sad because no one deserves to live like that.
Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 11:36am

I'm glad you went to the hospital.

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