dealing with anger and resentment
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-02-2009 - 2:48pm |
I'm new to this board - just found it today - and thank God because I need to talk.
My mother has cancer. She is 75 years old and was diagnosed in April. She has kidney cancer (where it started) and it has metastized to her bones so it is now in her spine, her ribs and her jaw. You can see it in her face and on her skin, her jaw is a bit deformed now.
When she was first diagnosed we did not think she would make it until the end of the summer and thankfully she is still with us. It isn't spreading except through her jaw and she is going to radiation treatments next week and will be starting chemo.
My father is taking good care of her and took over housekeeping, shopping, cooking, etc. Though the sadness of seeing his one true love wasting away is killing him, I know. I am worried that he may go soon after she does from a broken heart.
And there's more: I also feel bad for him because his remaining brother (my uncle) is dealing with pancreatic cancer. My uncle had a tumor which was removed along with part of his pancreas. My father may in fact lose his only remaining brother and his wife in the same year.
At the end of 2007, I separated from my then husband who officially is now my ex-husband. I have a job which keeps me busy and usually consumes more than a 40 hour week including some travel, though not often, but yes, occasionally. My daughter is in her 3rd year of college and doing well. She is the rose on my thornbush, though has her own drama, college expenses, etc.
I have never had a great relationship with my mother or father, but it was okay, certainly not bad, just not great.
I try to help my father out and give him a break so that he can get away and cry, vent, or just breathe some fresh air, or even work his part time job, which I know he is doing just to get a change of pace and time out of the house. My brother also goes over to the house a couple of times a week and on weekends. He is almost 50, never married, fewer commitments, so he can.
My problem is that I feel anger and resentment. I don't know why or what to do about it. I can't sort it out. They aren't justified. I'm not the one losing my life. I'm not even dealing with the disease on a daily basis like my father is or even my brother.
I feel guilty if I am not there enough and resentful when I am there often. I don't know what is going on really, I don't feel like they are telling me the whole story.
I feel like they are both quitting and have jumped into the grave when (until today) she was improving. Is it the cancer or is this depression?
My father is preparing the house for sale - cleaning things out, throwing things away, redoing the kitchen (economically) so that it would sell faster, selling my mothers car. He threw away their Christmas tree and had to buy one of those small fiber optic trees. My mother is always giving away stuff - dolls, statues, vases, towels, jewelry, blankets, etc. Every time I go over to see them, I leave with something.
I signed up for the LiveStrong foundation and participated in the LiveStrong bike challenge. I try very hard to be the guidepost in my family for positive thinking, don't wallow, be strong. But, no one, no one, no one wants to. They are all just ready to die. I don't know what to do, I am torn.

When cancer comes into our lives, it touches each of us so differently -- some experience anger, some fear, some depression or grief.