going to wean soon
Find a Conversation
|Thu, 11-20-2008 - 2:43pm|
so that's it. i'm committed. i twittered my DH and told him i wanted to talk with him about weaning tonight, and i asked him not to let me talk myself out of it again.
it's been, i don't know, 2 or 3 months since i told my DH i would "start to think about starting to wean." well the other day he said, "Why are you still doing this?"
i know it's crazy; a lot of women on this board write about how hard it is to keep going. but for me, it's hard to stop. and it's not just a guilt thing, although that's probably part of it. i have issues.
i have a control issue. i feel like if i keep pumping, i will have a certain amount of "control" over whether ian gets sick. despite the immune properties of breast milk, that thought of mine is quite silly. ian got something like 4 ear infections last year, despite getting plenty of mommy milk. i'm sure the milk helped him, but it's not going to protect him from all illness.
i like the feeling of doing something special for ian. this is especially so with ian being behind on his developmental milestones; i feel like i want to give him every edge he can get, since he is behind. there is a bit of irrationality to this thought too: it's not like me giving him more milk is going to make his developmental delays go away. i guess that's a control thing too.
and i'm driven to succeed. i think subconsciously (that's the psychologist in me speaking) i still feel like a failure for not getting the breast feeding thing to work out, so now i'm trying to "succeed" by EPing as long as i can. this, too, is not quite rational. we're all being the best mommies we can, no matter if we EP for one day or one year.
i really just have a hard time letting go. i told myself when i began to teach my 4 hour daily graduate course in july that i'd cut back pumping from 4 to 3x a day, just to make things manageable. i didn't. in fact, i've now increased back to pumping 5x a day. i'm a pump-a-holic!
so i twittered my DH, and told him we were going to talk about me stopping pumping tonight, for real. now i'm committed.
and now i've posted to you all, so that commits me too. oh, now i'm tearing up. i don't know what i would have done without you girls. pumping has been such a big part of my life for these 18 months, and this board has been too. it's time for me to move on. *sniff*