my baby's father is a no-show

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
my baby's father is a no-show
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 2:30am
the father of my child, or should i say sperm donar has not seen his baby in a month nor have i talked to him in a month. i have called but he is never home. i even wrote him a letter 2 weeks ago to see what is going on but he hasnt contacted me. im bestfriends with his cousin and she has seen him. i get mad whenever she tells me that she has seen him because that means he has time to call and check up on his baby. my mind is telling me to forget about him but i cant give up that easily. he said that he would be there for us and that he loves his kids but i cant take this in and out stuff. she doesnt need a half-a**ed father. he has 2 other kids, a boy and a girl and he takes care of them. it makes me feel sad that my baby is not important nor a priority. i dont know what to do. my heart and mind says to keep trying but i dont want to be a fool trying to involve someone that doesnt want to be involved in his childs life. he tells me that he is going to come see her and he doesnt. one time i needed pampers and he told me that he was going to bring some by. he didnt show up that night. i called and he wasnt there, so they say. that was a tuesday night. i didnt catch him until saturday and he was walking out the door when i called him. he acted like he didnt want to talk.

i feel like my baby is an outcast. like she means nothing to him. how does he think that i support her if he's not helping? does he even care? i dont think so. everything happens for a reason but this situation is depressing me and making me regret ever having her. dont get me wrong, i love my baby but i wish i would have never laid down with him.she's 2 months old. he lied about getting her some clothes that she really needed. when i had her i didnt even call him because i didnt want to be disappointed if he didnt show up. i called him the next day, he said he was coming up there to see me but he never showed up. he called the next day. he didnt see her till she was 2 weeks old. ow wow he came by kissing on my baby telling her how pretty she was, playing the "daddy" role. im so fed up. it is messing with my self-esteem. i dont feel pretty anymore. why would he even admit to this being his child and tell his mother and say what he is going to do and neglect doing it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:37pm
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I'm sorry to say that you should contact an attorney and file for child support and cut your losses while you can. I don't mean to sound rude but you sound like a nice girl and you shouldn't be treated this way and nor should your child. I hope that you can let go of this "man" (and I use this term very loosely) and go on with your life, you will find someone that deserves you. I will check the board to see how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 1:33pm
Wow I don't know what to say. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Unfortunately some men just aren't cut out to be dads. My BIL is one of them. He was married to my sister for 5 years and recently they separated. He has kids from a previous marriage and he never visited them. He didn't see them for 10 years. The excuse he always gave was it was too hard on him to deal with their mother. I honestly think it was just easier to ignore them. My BIL is a path of least resistance kind of person and it was easier to ignore his kids than step up to the plate and be a father. He paid his child support just had no contact with his kids. Now that they are older he has decided to put out the effort to see them. He was rewarded by one son that wanted nothing to do with him and another that will spend time with him. It was really hard for them to form some sort of relationship with one another. My sister asked the older boy how he felt about his dad abandoning him. He said he really wished he had been there when he was a kid but he was glad to know him now. The other son has finally started seeing my BIL but is still not very close.

If you do decide to file for child support remember that obligates you to allow visitation if he decides later on he wants it. Maybe he is disconnected because it is overwhelming to have so many kids he is not prepared to take care of?

Hugs to you sweetie I hope something will work out.

*Any information or advice provided is my opinon and not intended as medical diagnosis. If in doubt please ask your doctor.

Happy and healthy pregnancy to you,

Your Community Leader Aimee, Mom to Marah-Jade 09/17/03

*Any information or advice provided is my opinon and not intended

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 12:57pm
I'm sorry to but it so bluntly, and I'm sure someone will say something about it. But, do what needs to get done. Right now your child needs you and you need her. Forget about this guy and get child support, make him pay for a child that he needs to be taking care of. As for how your feeling, no amount of regret in this world will change things, you both did the deed. I know I'm a little harsh in saying this, yet sometimes we need people to be truthful and honest. Sugar coating it all doesn't help, this is the real world. Love your baby and let her know everyday that she means the world to you. It's not her fault.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:56pm
Yep, the law requires that he support his child - and she deserves it. You already know he's not gonna bring you diapers or stop by when he says, so don't ask him to. He probably won't show up for any visitation he asks for, so don't plan to meet somewhere, schedule the pick-ups at your place and don't make plans, 'cause he's not comin. Don't send him the school pictures as the years go by, don't write him letters. If he does snap to and wants to take her sometimes, it's his responsibility to have diapers & clothes etc. Any stuff you send with her probably won't come back. Meet the man of your dreams and have him adopt your daughter if he wants. Otherwise, take dumbass's money until she's 18 ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 5:26pm
My best friend was in your same situation. When she found out she was pregnant he disappeared until the baby was born. So they got back together, got an apartment....He stayed home all day and sat on his a$$ (McKenzi was at Christy's mom's house b/c the dad wouldn't even watch her), Christy worked 8.5 hours a day to support her baby and her baby's father. She paid all the bills. He would steal money from her, got pulled over a few times in her car with drugs. Well, needless to say she got pregnant again. She didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 7 months. Well, when she found out he stole her check book and left. She closed the account threw his stuff outside and moved in with her mom. She now has a 1 year old the oldest is about to be 3. You need to think about how this "in and out" role is going to affect your baby. Poor McKenzi is old enough to remember her daddy. He'll come over everyday for a few months and then stop. This leaves Kenzi crying for her daddy hysterically when she see's him and then he is all she wants for day's after that. And he is no where to be found. She clings to every male that comes around. He doesn't have anything to do with the youngest one. Do you want your little girl waiting around for her daddy and then being let down? I was once that little girl waiting on her daddy and it's heart breaking. My dad eventually told my mom he wanted nothing to do with me until I was 18 and could take care of myself. When I was 19 I called him and I can honestly say I wish I hadn't. The thought of him makes me sick. Anyway...Christy is now trying to get the dad to sign over all his rights and he keeps saying he will, but won't do it. So she went and filed for child support and come to find out he owes $8000 in back child support for his son with another girl. This is a tough situation. You have to really think if you want to get child support and take the chance of him popping up 5 years from now wanting to take his daughter away for the weekend. And you have nothing to do about it. Then you will be worried if he is even going to bring her back. There is all kinds of support and help you can get. Every state offers assistants to single parents. I know here in Louisiana there is even programs that will help with rent, finding you a job, daycare, paid tuition for college, etc. You really need to think and try and realize if you are trying to contact this "boy" for your daughters sake or for your own. Because you kind of imply that you want him around for you. Just put your daughter first and whats best for her. Sorry if this was harsh, but it was just my honest opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:58am

i know you posted your letter a long time ago...

is your childs father still messing up?

if he still is, are you collecting child support?

i have so much input to tell you that will make you kick him to the curb and keep yourself confident and beautiful as you are.

i hope all is well with you and your little angel.