I'm a bad mom...help me
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|Sat, 03-31-2007 - 6:59pm|
Maybe you can relate to what happened to me last night. My DS is one month old and had set up a pattern of letting us sleep 4 - 5 hrs a night after his 11pm nursing. However this week he has been demanding marathon, 45 min - 1 hr. nursing sessions. He nurses and then detaches so I think he's done after say 30/35 minutes (a reasonable assumption right?), so I burp him and try to rock him to sleep, but he gets mad and starts chewing his hand and crying, which means he's still hungry.
Last night we battled over my breasts until 1am! I fed him for an hour during that timeframe, and tried rocking, burping, walking, pacifier, diaper changing, keeping him warm, singing, you name it! Nothing worked. He worked himself into a fit. I was so angry and frustrated with him! I was despairing and feeling used because my nipples have been sore and he was still demanding my milk after 1 hour of feeding, and I was utterly exhausted.
I completely lost it, I was so angry. I picked him up, walked over to our bed (DS was sleeping ont he couch) and tossed him on the bed. He startled out of the crying, and then cried even harder. At that point I melted into a sobbing puddle of utter sorrow and shame. How can I feel this way towards my tiny son? How is it even his fault? IT's not his fault that I don't know what he wants...He is so vulnerable and he needs me to love him and protect him, and here I am harboring these angry, helpless feelings towards him. God help me..
I went downstairs and asked DH to hold him. DS calmed down instantly when DH held him. Interesting that when I did the same thing he'd scream and chew his hand! While DH held him I thawed out a backup bottle of my breastmilk and gave that to him at 1:48am. He downed the whole thing, and fell asleep 15 minutes later. He truly had been hungry. He slept for 5 hrs after that.
I am worried about my ability to cope, I've been tearing up off and on all day. I'm pretty tired. What happens if he does the same thing tonight? I pumped one bottle's worth of milk and it's in the fridge for the 11pm nursing. I hope that works. If not I can only pray that God give me the steadiness and calmness I'll need to deal with him lovingly. I love my son, I so want to be a good mother to him.