Difficult relationship with my mother
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|Wed, 03-03-2010 - 1:19pm|
I am a very happily married woman who just found out that I am pregnant with our first child. I have a wonderfully supportive and loving family in my husbands family, but mine is a complete mess. Most people have problems with their in-laws- but mine are angels!!! :) My problem is my own family!!! I am terrified.
I come from a very dysfunctional, emotionally abusive family. I have managed to keep my toxic parents at a safe distance, for the most part, but clearly not that successfully or I wouldn't be writing here! I have not shut them out, and I really struggle to find positive moments in my communications with them. It takes so much energy from the rest of my life.
My parents had a horrible divorce that went on for over 10 years - constantly dragging each other into court, getting each other arrested, even dragging each other's bosses into court to testify, and hopefully to get the other fired,etc etc... a complete circus. Luckily, I was raised by my grandmother who was strong, and loving and had amazing values. Sadly she has since passed away. My relationship with my parents was good until college- until I began to see how other families interacted with one another. Slowly, over the next few years, I began to realize what I had missed, and what nonsense my parents still expected me to tolerate. It hurt deeply and I realized that I had healthy friendships and amazing bonds with friends' families that allowed me to flourish.
So from then on, my relationship with both of my parents began to "deteriorate", in their view - but actually got better for me. I keep them at a distance and am happy in my own life. They treat me horribly, gossip about me behind my back, have done nothing to be a positive part of my life. I'll skip the stories, but suffice to say, it is absurdly painful and negative to the point of being toxic. I feel as though they have invested the negative energy they used to battle each other now is turned toward me.
But I've tried to work around it, and set my life on a separate course where they cannot impact me the way they used to.
Anyway, my mother lives a few hours away from my husband and I. She is extremely manipulative, Borderline personality disorder. Lives by herself and is very lonely. Is not happy unless she's really causing someone pain. I do reach out and talk to my mother on the phone atleast once a week or once every two weeks. Perhaps out of obligation and guilt. There is not one conversation that does not leave me in tears. I shut down emotionally each time, and it takes me weeks to recover, sometimes from the shortest of conversations.
This cannot continue. How do I protect myself once my mother finds out I am pregnant? I don't want this in my life! What is going to keep her from just coming down here and destroying my happiness? one of her favorite things to do is badmouth parents to their children. I don't want her near my family!!!!
I am in unknown territory now. I really need to protect my family from this better than I have protected myself. :(
Any advice deeply appreciated.