venting about dh and $$

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
venting about dh and $$
14
Tue, 05-12-2009 - 10:13pm

we have very little money, I can stretch a dollar further than anyone I know. I'm full time in nursing school now. He's finally back to work full time. But, he's decided the money he earns is his to spend as he sees fit. Some of it ends up in the family budget (maybe $350 out of $500) but he spends the rest however he wants. We very recently each got a social security bonus of $250 each (this was a surprise for us, but the federal budget is confusing!) I told him that I would take the money out of the joint checking account and he could have his in cash to do with as he pleases (this was in response to him complaining that he can never buy me anything because I control all the money, and my birthday is in a week).

So, he transferred the money to his personal checking account instead, then added money that he earned on the side and bought himself a laptop. He's legally blind and he has had the Services for the Blind buy him a super duper large monitor for the desk top, and well as buying him other aids, like voice recognition and Zoom Text, so he can better use the computer. He even got them to buy a second monitor for him to use at work! So, now he has this tiny laptop. He doesn't do computer work, like paperwork or whatever. We don't have wireless internet (or at least I don't think he does, but he may have bought that on the side). I don't understand what on earth he needs a laptop for.

This is on top of the fact that our mower is broken (literally, he cracked the mower deck when he mowed and ran over a huge rock!). Now, with his bonus and mine, we could have replaced our mower with something reasonable... if we can't get the broken one fixed.

My bonus money is ear marked for me to have 1 new pair of jeans, since 1 of my 2 pairs has holes in it. And for my kids to have school clothes in the fall.....

I don't understand this man at all. He spends money like it's endless, then finds a way to blame it on me. We are currently charging groceries on the credit card (so you can guess what my bonus would really get spent on!) CHARGING GROCERIES and he buys a laptop computer, that he will probably use only in his room, 5 steps from the desk top....

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Wed, 05-13-2009 - 9:30am
I am glad I do not have this problem with my husband, he is just not the wisest when it comes to purchases like going to Kroger vs Publix.
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-13-2009 - 4:23pm

we have talked about it, but his argument is that it's his money to spend as he wishes and he hasn't bought anything for himself in a long time.... blah blah blah

Legal Separation has been filed. He actually thinks he'll get custody of the kids, even though he makes choices like this! Its SO frustrating, and it's just one of a LONG LONG list of stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Wed, 05-13-2009 - 5:08pm
Sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2007
Wed, 05-13-2009 - 10:50pm

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Photobucket
Avatar for kathy_s14255
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 8:09am
I am sorry that it has come to this...can the two of you go for marriage counseling?
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 11:57am

Interesting question. He was the stay home parent for the past 1.5 years. In Late January, he and I sat down and talked and both agreed that we've got HUGE issues and need to get into counseling. I told him I'm willing to go, but he has to find it and set it up. The next day, he got on the phone and called a bunch of places. Everything was from $40-$150 an hour, we can't afford that! I told him to look into my insurance (mine is different from the rest of the families) and see if there is any coverage. He claimed that because of HIPAA,

Avatar for kathy_s14255
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 7:01am

glad you are going for counseling by yourself then. How are your kids doing? Has the separation been hard on them too?

Hugs
Kathy

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 10:35am

My kids are ok, I'm seeing some stuff out of them that bothers me, but I'm not sure how to fix. We still all live in the same house, so the younger boys don't realize what's really going on. They know I have my own bedroom and that dad has his, and they seem to be ok with that. DH is gonna have to move out soon, though, he's really making me crazy with his stuff.

I realized last night that I spend a lot of time waiting for dh to do stuff with the kids, which leaves me doing lousy parenting. I need to step up my game, whether or not he chooses to. I just find that when I do what comes most naturally to me, which is usually swift and effective, he stands on the side lines and complains that he never gets a chance. I feel like we are playing a game and I keep having to wait for him to take his turn. If I don't wait, he complains. If I do wait, he may or may not have his turn. I think a legal parenting plan will be good. He'll know exactly when it's his turn to parent!

And, yes, counseling for myself has been good. We've dug into some issues I didn't realize I had which in turn has helped me sort out my issues with dh and helped me to really clear my head. I was READY for help and my counselor is good, so we started making progress even in the very first session. Counseling has been good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2002
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 11:28am
since legal separation has been done... does someone need to fall for temp custody of the kids? if so make sure you beat him to the punch...




Photobucket
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 3:11pm

He had to file a parenting plan and support papers together with the LS papers. BUT, he forgot 1 really key thing. My dd is 14 and she doesn't want to live with him, and my kids are really, really close. NO judge in this country would ever split up my kids, they are good together. He also failed to give me very much visitation when he wrote his version, I get them on holidays only, he didn't put any weekends or anything in there. NO judge is gonna sign that. In reading his papers, it's very clear that NO thought went into writing them. And, when he did the support papers, when he got confused, he just started writing in zeros on all the lines, didn't follow the basic directions to fill in the right numbers. The judge won't sign that, either.

I am working on my proposed parenting plan. It's really good, it's really fair and he gets a ton of time with the kids, but they will live with me. He can't manage to get dinner on the table in a reasonable manner when I'm not here to make dinner, how will he care for them full time?? the other night, I had class, he had to make dinner, he knew he had to make dinner. He didn't plan for anything. We had a friend here helping him work on the mower and at 6pm, the friend asked if he was gonna make any dinner for the kids. 30 minutes later, he came in the house to make grilled cheese and tomato soup. This is a standard meal when he makes dinner. He did hot dogs (ONLY!) for Monday's dinner. This is how he feeds them.

It really will work in my favor that my dd is 14. She has a voice in court and can talk with the judge directly and make her wishes known, and she can tell him how things are when he's the one in charge of caring for the kids.

Pages