Prologue to Shadows Of Ach'en Dale pt...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Prologue to Shadows Of Ach'en Dale pt...
11
Sun, 01-19-2003 - 10:01pm

Prologue to Shadows Of Ach'en Dale pt.1 level 3 please :)


I have a feeling all the scenes in this story will end up getting switched around, but for now this seems like it should be the prologue. Would really appreciate help with the tenses and my adverb obsession. *************************************************************

Lionol Vanaia, northern high king of the elves of Satura, not one to ever be at a loss for words, could only stand frozen with mouth agape staring at his advisor and lifelong friend. His fingers numbly dropped the silver gilded lute that moments before had filled his private study with a merry tune of love won and joyously lived.

“No, you must be mistaken, after all we have done these past eons to aid the humans, healing their sick, providing their very sustenance when the crops failed and…. No! This cannot be true,” gasped the King. “Alain how is it you did not become aware of this threat earlier? Where are Cirril and Etonn? Why did they not find out and report any of this information? They work in the castle.”

Alain cringed in the presence of his Sire’s rage and fear. He had no real answers, only speculations and questions of his own. The tall, slender elf’s only desire was to slip off into the forest to suffer his shame in solitude, but knew he could not.

“Sire, word is that Cirril and Etonn have been captured and sentenced to death as illegal magic users under the new laws. The human who told me also outlined the rest of their plans as best he could, he only just returned to the city and sought me out with as much haste as possible.” Sputtered Alain. “ The mages obviously spent much time planning this treachery and erecting their mental shields. We had no chance to uncover their plans. Every elven kingdom in the north faces imminent attack and we are the only ones to suspect anything.”

King Lionol slumped down into a nearby chair, his mind raced through all the senseless death and destruction these malevolent acts would wreak upon the elven race and their friends. He beckoned to Alain to take the seat by the hearth next to him. The purple hues of twilight filtering in through the crystal panes played with the flickering flames of the roaring hearth fire, Lional briefly thought of the many evenings he and the queen spent sitting here before the fire adding their own energy sparkles to the game. The love, the laughter, his wife’s sparkling wit entertaining him hours upon end.

“Now, be quick, I want every detail.” He reached and shakily grasped a crystal decanter from the silver wrought serving table at his side, poured a small quantity in two silver goblets and handed one to Alain.

Alain buried his face in his hands, then faced his King. “My Lord, the mages’ plan appears to have been put in motion immediately after the human King’s death. My contact said there was suspicion in some quarters that he did not die naturally, unfortunately since his health had always been frail and his Lady wife made no objection, the passing ceremony was held immediately. Once he was gone, his wife claimed she was too distraught to rule until her grieving period was done. She appointed an unknown Ra’Ahar mage as her chief council and gave him unlimited power to rule. The new laws were put in place the same day.”

“What of the other lords, the dead king’s advisors, had they nothing to say, no objections?” King Lionol leapt to his feet, struggling to contain his outrage. With a sweep of his arm he sent the crystal decanter crashing to the floor, golden liquid seeped into the finely woven burgundy rug.

A light tap at the massive oak door interrupted them. Queen Alora’s maidservant poked her head in.

“Sire, it’s M’lady’s time, and from the looks of it, your heir is impatient to make his appearance. The Queen is requesting your presence for Prince Alendar’s birth.” With a deferential nod of her head, she closed the door.

By the demon fires of Ra’Ahar, Lionol swore silently, can this get worse? No time to prepare, little time to give warning to all who looked to him for safety and protection. The babe, the babe must be spirited away to safety. If we cannot defeat this evil, my heir may be the only hope for our races’ survival, our way of life.

“Alain, summon the Elders to my throne room and tell them exactly what you’ve relayed to me, more if you can. I will join them after attending to my Lady. After that, go immediately to the Terr Master and tell him to get the Terrdaks readied for immediate departure, even the young ones still being trained. Before the moon is fully risen we must have messengers enroute to all the elven kingdoms.” A dreadful suspicion was growing in his mind, if he was correct, their ultimate fate could be could be even worse than what now was before them.

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Avatar for karri_bare
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 01-20-2003 - 1:37am

HI......(m)


OK I may not be much help with the adverbs or tenses but if see anything I will let you know!

You have a name spelled two different ways in here, which one do you want, Lionol, Lional?

__________________________________

King Lionol slumped down into a nearby chair, his mind raced through all the senseless death and destruction these malevolent acts would wreak upon the elven race and their friends. He beckoned to Alain to take the seat by the hearth next to him. The purple hues of twilight filtering in through the crystal panes played with the flickering flames of the roaring hearth fire, Lional briefly thought of the many evenings he and the queen spent sitting here before the fire adding their own energy sparkles to the game. The love, the laughter, his wife’s sparkling wit entertaining him hours upon end. <--(fragment)

Alain buried his face in his hands,(and then) then faced his King. “My Lord, the mages’ plan appears to have been put in motion immediately after the human King’s death. My contact said there was suspicion in some quarters that he did not die naturally, unfortunately since his health had always been frail and his Lady wife made no objection, the passing ceremony was held immediately. Once he was gone, his wife claimed she was too distraught to rule until her grieving period was done. She appointed an unknown Ra’Ahar mage as her chief council and gave him unlimited power to rule. The new laws were put in place the same day.”

By the demon fires of Ra’Ahar, Lionol swore silently, can(could) this get worse? No time to prepare, little time to give warning to all who looked to him for safety and protection. The babe, the babe must be spirited away to safety. If we cannot defeat this evil, my heir may be the only hope for our races�� survival, our way of life.

“Alain, summon the Elders to my throne room and tell them exactly what you’ve relayed to me, more if you can. I will join them after attending to my Lady. After that, go immediately to the Terr Master and tell him to get the Terrdaks readied for immediate departure, even the young ones still being trained. Before the moon is fully risen we must have messengers enroute(enroot) to all the elven kingdoms.” A dreadful suspicion was growing in his mind, if he was correct, their ultimate fate could be could be even worse than what now was before them.

____________________

All of the above was from my words. One of the, the last one had 2 options, enroot or en route (with the space).

I did not see anything else that jumped out at me. I hope this was helpful.

Kari

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 01-20-2003 - 3:47am

my 2 cents


Here you go hun. I really get a feel for your characters here. my thoughts are in ( ).

Lionol Vanaia, northern high king of the elves of Satura, not ( being) one to ever be at a loss for words, could only stand frozen with mouth agape staring at his advisor and lifelong friend. His fingers numbly dropped the silver gilded lute (,) that moments before had filled his private study with a merry tune of love won and joyously lived. “No, you must be mistaken, after all we have done these past eons to aid the humans, healing their sick, providing their very sustenance when the crops failed and…. No! This cannot be true,” gasped the King. “Alain how is it you did not become aware of this threat earlier? Where are Cirril and Etonn? Why did they not find out and report any of this information? They work in the castle.” Alain cringed in the presence of his Sire’s rage and fear. He had no real answers, only speculations and questions of his own. The tall, slender elf’s only desire was to slip off into the forest to suffer his shame in solitude, but knew he could not. “Sire, word is that Cirril and Etonn have been captured and sentenced to death as illegal magic users under the new laws. The human who told me also outlined the rest of their plans as best he could, he only just returned to the city and sought me out with as much haste as possible.(,)” Sputtered Alain. “The mages obviously spent much time planning this treachery and erecting their mental shields. We had no chance to uncover their plans. Every elven kingdom in the north faces imminent attack and we are the only ones to suspect anything.” King Lionol slumped down into a nearby chair, his mind raced through all the senseless death and destruction these malevolent acts would wreak upon the elven race and their friends. He beckoned to Alain to take the seat by the hearth next to him. The purple hues of twilight filtering in through the crystal panes played with the flickering flames of the roaring hearth fire, Lional (Lionol) briefly thought of the many evenings he and the queen spent sitting here before the fire adding their own energy sparkles to the game. The love, the(don’t need the there) laughter, (mixed with) his wife’s sparkling wit entertaining (could entertain) him hours upon end. “Now, be quick, I want every detail.” He reached and shakily grasped a crystal decanter from the silver wrought serving table at his side, poured a small quantity in two silver goblets and handed one to Alain. Alain buried his face in his hands, then (he) faced his King. “My Lord, the mages’ plan appears to have been put in motion immediately after the human King’s death. My contact said there was suspicion in some quarters that he did not die naturally, unfortunately since his health had always been frail and his Lady wife made no objection, the passing ceremony was held immediately. Once he was gone, his wife claimed she was too distraught to rule until her grieving period was done. She appointed an unknown Ra’Ahar mage as her chief council and gave him unlimited power to rule. The new laws were put in place the same day.” “What of the other lords, the dead king’s advisors, had they nothing to say, no objections?” King Lionol leapt to his feet, struggling to contain his outrage. With a sweep of his arm he sent the crystal decanter crashing to the floor, golden liquid seeped into the finely woven burgundy rug. A light tap at the massive oak door interrupted them. Queen Alora’s maidservant poked her head in. “Sire, it’s M’lady’s time, and from the looks of it, your heir is impatient to make his appearance. The Queen is requesting your presence for Prince Alendar’s birth.” With a deferential nod of her head, she closed the door. By the demon fires of Ra’Ahar, Lionol swore silently, can this get worse? No time to prepare, little time to give warning to all who looked to him for safety and protection. The babe, the babe must be spirited away to safety. If we cannot defeat this evil, my heir may be the only hope for our races’ survival, our way of life. “Alain, summon the Elders to my throne room and tell them exactly what you’ve relayed to me, more if you can. I will join them after attending to my Lady. After that, go immediately to the Terr Master and tell him to get the Terrdaks readied for immediate departure, even the young ones still being trained. Before the moon is fully raised we must have messengers enroute (en route it shows up in the dictionary that way) to all the elven kingdoms.” A dreadful suspicion was growing in his mind, if he was correct, their ultimate fate could be could be even worse than what now was before them.

Have a Mystical day,

Jade<

Avatar for tamboj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-20-2003 - 2:19pm

lemme sharpen up my red pen... ;)


here we go - everything is marked with ** :)

Lionol Vanaia, northern high king of the elves of Satura, not one to ever be at a loss for words, could only stand frozen with mouth agape staring at his advisor and lifelong friend. His fingers numbly dropped the silver gilded lute that moments before had filled his private study with a merry tune of love won and joyously lived. **can you break this somehow into 3 or 4 sentences instead of 2?? - they both seem kinda run-on**

“No, you must be mistaken, after all we have done these past eons to aid the humans, healing their sick, providing their very sustenance when the crops failed and…. No! This cannot be true,” gasped the King. “Alain how is it you did not become aware of this threat earlier? Where are Cirril and Etonn? Why did they not find out and report any of this information? They work in the castle.”

Alain cringed in the presence of his Sire’s rage and fear. He had no real answers, only speculations and questions of his own. The tall, slender elf’s **aren’t most elves tall and slender? you only need to point out when they deviate from the norm! :) ** only desire was to slip off **OFF can be cut** into the forest to **AND instead of TO, i think**suffer his shame in solitude, but knew he could not.

“Sire, word is that Cirril and Etonn have been captured and sentenced to death as illegal magic users under the new laws. The human who told me also outlined the rest of their plans as best he could, **I think you need s sentence break here, but it might just be my persona preference** he only just returned to the city and sought me out with as much haste as possible.” Sputtered Alain. “ The mages obviously spent much time planning this treachery and erecting their mental shields. We had no chance to uncover their plans. Every elven kingdom in the north faces imminent attack and we are the only ones **um, can you say province, princilaplity, realm? something besides “one”?? **to suspect anything.”

King Lionol slumped down **lol lsumping implies down ;) you can cut it**into a nearby chair, **need an “and” here - it’s a “comma splice”** his mind raced through all the senseless death and destruction these malevolent acts would wreak upon the elven race and their friends. He beckoned to Alain to take the seat by the hearth next to him. The purple hues of twilight filtering in through the crystal panes played with the flickering flames of the roaring hearth fire, **and - comma splice again**Lional briefly thought of the many evenings he and the queen spent sitting here before the fire **I think you can cut “sitting here before the fire” and tighten this sentence ALOT it’s all implied already by your great setting! :)** adding their own energy sparkles to the game. The love, the laughter, his wife’s sparkling wit entertaining him hours upon end.

“Now, be quick, I want every detail.” He reached and shakily grasped a crystal decanter from the silver wrought **i think wrouht can be cut** serving table at his side, **I’d break to 2 sentences her - shifting from reaching to pouring - 2 separate actions, but that’s just me**poured a small quantity in two silver goblets and handed one to Alain.

Alain buried his face in his hands, then faced his King. “My Lord, the mages’ plan appears to have been put in motion immediately after the human King’s death. My contact said there was suspicion in some quarters that he did not die naturally, unfortunately since his health had always been frail and his Lady wife **i don’t think you need Lady AND wife :) **made no objection, the passing ceremony was held immediately. Once he was gone, his wife claimed she was too distraught to rule until her grieving period was done **three “was” in this sentence - they don’t truly bother me, but maybe other verbs could brighten it up some??**. She appointed an unknown Ra’Ahar mage as her chief council and gave him unlimited power to rule. The new laws were put in place the same day.”

“What of the other lords, the dead king’s advisors, had they nothing to say, no objections?” King Lionol leapt to his feet, struggling to contain his outrage. With a sweep of his arm he sent the crystal decanter crashing to the floor, **and - comma splice again :) **golden liquid seeped into the finely woven burgundy rug.

A light tap at the massive oak door interrupted them. Queen Alora’s maidservant poked her head in.

“Sire, it’s M’lady’s time, and from the looks of it, your heir is impatient to make his appearance. The Queen is requesting your presence for Prince Alendar’s birth.” With a deferential nod of her head, she closed the door.

By the demon fires of Ra’Ahar, Lionol swore silently, can this get worse? No time to prepare, little time to give warning to all who looked to him for safety and protection. The babe, the babe must be spirited away to safety. If we cannot defeat this evil, my heir may be the only hope for our races’ survival, our way of life. **oooooohhh nice**

“Alain, summon the Elders to my throne room and tell them exactly what you’ve relayed to me, more if you can. I will join them after attending to my Lady. After that, go immediately to the Terr Master and tell him to get the Terrdaks readied for immediate departure, even the young ones still being trained. Before the moon is fully risen we must have messengers enroute to all the elven kingdoms.” A dreadful suspicion was growing **maybe “grew” instead?**in his mind, if he was correct, their ultimate fate could be could be even worse than what now was **maybe “lay”?? **before them.

Otherwise GREAT!!!! woo hoo!!! nice beginning.

tambo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-20-2003 - 8:39pm

Tammi...


Great job here. This is a good beginning, you've gotten me hooked right away. All this intrigue! I just have a few comments, everybody has already pointed out most of the things I caught. Good work, I can't wait to read the next section.

Lionol Vanaia, northern high king of the elves of Satura, not one to ever be at a loss for words, could only stand frozen with mouth agape staring at his advisor and lifelong friend. His (maybe "numb fingers")fingers numbly dropped the silver gilded lute that moments before had filled his private study with a merry tune of love won and joyously lived.

“No, you must be mistaken, after all we have done these past eons to aid the humans, healing their sick, providing their very sustenance when the crops failed and…. No! This cannot be true,” gasped the King. “Alain how is it you did not become aware of this threat earlier? Where are Cirril and Etonn? Why did they not find out and report any of this information? They work in the castle.”

Alain cringed in the presence of his Sire’s rage and fear. He had no real answers, only speculations and questions of his own. The tall, slender elf’s only desire was to slip off into the forest to suffer his shame in solitude, but knew he could not.

“Sire, word is that Cirril and Etonn have been captured and sentenced to death as illegal magic users under the new laws. The human who told me also outlined the rest of their plans as best he could, he only just returned to the city and sought me out with as much haste as possible.” Sputtered Alain. “ The mages obviously spent much time planning this treachery and erecting their mental shields. We had no chance to uncover their plans. Every elven kingdom in the north faces imminent attack and we are the only ones to suspect anything.”

King Lionol slumped down into a nearby chair, his mind raced through all the senseless death and destruction these malevolent acts would wreak upon the elven race and their friends. He beckoned to Alain to take the seat by the hearth next to him. The purple hues of twilight filtering in through the crystal panes played with the flickering flames of the roaring hearth fire, Lional briefly thought of the("Lional's thoughts flashed to the many...") many evenings he and the queen spent sitting here before the fire adding their own energy sparkles to the game. The love, the laughter, his wife��s sparkling wit entertaining him hours upon end.

“Now, be quick, I want every detail.” He reached and shakily("With shaking hands he grasped a crystal...") grasped a crystal decanter from the silver wrought serving table at his side, poured a small quantity in two silver goblets and handed one to Alain.

Alain buried his face in his hands, then faced his King. “My Lord, the mages’ plan appears to have been put in motion immediately after the human King’s death. My contact said there was suspicion in some quarters that he did not die naturally, unfortunately since his health had always been frail and his Lady wife made no objection, the passing ceremony was held immediately. Once he was gone, his wife claimed she was too distraught to rule until her grieving period was done. She appointed an unknown Ra’Ahar mage as her chief council and gave him unlimited power to rule. The new laws were put in place the same day.”

“What of the other lords, the dead king’s advisors, had they nothing to say, no objections?” King Lionol leapt to his feet, struggling to contain his outrage. With a sweep of his arm he sent the crystal decanter crashing to the floor, golden liquid seeped into the finely woven burgundy rug.

A light tap at the massive oak door interrupted them. Queen Alora’s maidservant poked her head in.

“Sire, it’s M’lady’s time, and from the looks of it, your heir is impatient to make his appearance. The Queen is requesting your presence for Prince Alendar’s birth.” With a deferential nod of her head, she closed the door.

By the demon fires of Ra’Ahar, Lionol swore silently, can this get worse? No time to prepare, little time to give warning to all who looked to him for safety and protection. The babe, the babe must be spirited away to safety. If we cannot defeat this evil, my heir may be the only hope for our races’ survival, our way of life.

“Alain, summon the Elders to my throne room and tell them exactly what you’ve relayed to me, more if you can. I will join them after attending to my Lady. After that, go immediately to the Terr Master and tell him to get the Terrdaks readied for immediate departure, even the young ones still being trained. Before the moon is fully risen we must have messengers enroute to all the elven kingdoms.” A dreadful suspicion was growing in his mind, if he was correct, their ultimate fate could be could be even worse than what now was before them.

That's all my comments, the one's in ( ).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-22-2003 - 4:53pm

Tammi(m)


Oh boy, this is good

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-22-2003 - 7:24pm

Hi Kari...


Thanks for looking this over. The king's name is supposed to be Lionol, yet after re-reading this piece countless times I never noticed I had switch the spelling LOL.

Blessings,

Tammi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-22-2003 - 7:32pm

Thanks Jade


I changed the things you pointed out and it is flowing much smoother. This is a great board :)

Blessings,

Tammi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-22-2003 - 7:41pm

Thanks Tammy!!


I really appreciate all of your suggestions! It's funny how obvious some things are Once they are pointed out lol. I have to admit I don't have a clue as to what a comma splice is, but you can bet I'm going to look it up :)

Blessings,

Tammi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-22-2003 - 8:19pm

Thank you Misti ! :)


You pointed out a couple things I wasn't comfortable with but wasn't sure how to change until your suggestions. :)

I have been working more on Ch. 1 than on this piece, but felt the story needed a prologue. I know what direction I want to have the 2nd part of the prologue to head in, but my characters are having a bit of a disagreement lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-22-2003 - 8:29pm

Thanks so much Larry (hugs)


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