Scared and Embaressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Scared and Embaressed
36
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 9:46am

Hi Everyone,


I have been diabetic type 2 now for about 7yrs. With that being said, I am very afraid and embaressed to be here on this board. Not so much for what I think you folks will think of me, but more for the fact that by being here means that I have hopefully made the decision to finally do something about trying to get my bs under control. The embaressement comes from the fact that I haven't done anything to get it under control.


I am 49yrs old, this is harder to write than I thought. It really is embarassing. I have read a lot of your post before I decided to start a discussion, and feel very silly, ackward, and childish. The good ole river denial. Okay, when I woke up this morning my fasting bs was 323, I know. After one cup of coffee it was 413. Yesterday, same as today, in the mid 300's, and after my coffee it was 437. With that said, I have had the diabetes under control before during the 7yrs. since I was diagnosed. I had in under control about 2yrs. ago, and than my mom passed away 21mos. ago, and frankly I just didn't care. I was taking Lantus, injectable insulin, 32units at bedtime, and some type of fast acting 12units in the morning before I ate. My bs #'s were a lot lower than. Oh plus I was taking 5mgs. of Glipizide. I am allergic to medformin, or as some call it glucaphoge. By the way my spell checker doesn't work, so please fogive the spelling. Anyway ah ha, forgot to mention that I also weigh 215lbs, I am 5'8" and very sedatary. I have had a right eye lens replacement, because I was in the hospital about 5yrs. ago, because my A1C was 11.7, one morning I woke up(this is while I was in the hospital) and everything was extremely foggy. Like gray. That fast too. The night before I saw fine, than the next morning it was like that. So I called the nurse, they had me start fasting right away, and a couple of days later, they did a right eye lens replacement. A few days after that my sight came back just fine. During that time I would get celluiotist(sp) in my lower legs all the time, well I did get serious about controling the diabetes for a while there, and the celluiatist has never come back. At this point I have neuropathy so bad in both feet, that I hate it. So anyway after my mom passed away, I just quit using the Lantus, and the fast acting insulin. I kept taking the Glipzide, but that wasn't enough to help, so in April of this year I moved from No. Ca. to So. Ca. within a couple of weeks of being here, everytime I would give myself my insulin I would get very red welts that would itch like crazy on the injection site. Within like about 5-10mins. of giving myself the Lantus. Anyway went to see a new doctor(at the time I lived with my sister down here) he told me that it was odd to be on insulin for over a year and than get an allergic reaction to it. But, he put me Avandia, and Medformin. I told him I got sick, like I vomitted when I took medformin, but he said he was putting me on a real sm dose so that it was okay. I got so sick. I stayed on that cocktail for 2mos.(also he took me off of the glipizide), and finally after that amount of time he did another A1C(btw, the one he took when I first saw him was 10. something) and it was 9.6. I was getting really bad cramps in my upper stomach, had to go to the ER. and had to have my gall bladder removed. So off the meds I went again. Finally we moved into our own place on 9-1-07, and I finally went to see a primary care doc 3wks. ago, my blood work was terrible. My Cholesterol, both the good and bad was way up there, my tryglicirides(sp), my A1C was 8.1 so that was way better, and most of all the blood work she ordered was really not so hot. She increased my Glipizide to 10mgs a day, and it is a longer acting Glipizide than what I was on before. She had me start taking my bs's 3x's a day, fasting, before dinner, and at bedtime. The dietician contacted me, and after one week of doing this, I just quit checking my bs's because they were always so high, and when I get scared I just ignore stuff. Well I went to the eye doc. last week, only to find out that my right eye, behind the fake lens is all cloudy, and will need laser surgery, and the left eye has some optic nerve damage. I got referred to Ophthalmology, to see what needs to be done. I have to make an appt. next week. Or this week. So I started thinking about this board, my sight, my feet, my dh is also diabetic, uncontrolled, he by the way is not overweight, we have a 13yr. old ds who is not diabetic,(YET), and to be truthful all this comes down to I don't want to change, I love my pasta, I love my coffee with French Vinalla, and sugar, and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK ANY DIFFERENT WAY THAN WHAT I NOW KNOW HOW TO DO! I don't even know where to start. My mom was from Germany, and my father from Al. So on that note, I learned at a young age to cook very rich and hearty meals. I am obese, I smoke, and I sedatary. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, and Panic Attacks,(which I do know that having such high bs's makes the Depression and P.A.'s much worse) The depression and panic attacks sometimes border on Agoraphobia. Our truck broke down about 2mos ago, so I just don't go out very much anymore. I have a 1yr old Shih Tzu dog that I used to walk for about 40mins 2 times a day. Now I really don't go out. I know that I am heading straight for heart dieases, stroke, and kidney diasese. The thing is like the foods that I eat. I was reading through one of the posts her about sweetners, and I don't care for equal, sweet and low, or splinda, but I remember once someone told me about those drops you can use(forget the name now) that are very strong, and taste a lot about suger. I of course don't like the suger free Coffee Mate French Vanilla creamer. Now that I have told you my whole pity party. I feel very overwhelmed about where to start, and how to start. I honestly don't know how to cook any differently than I do now. I can't go to classes, because of lack of transportation. I have really good health insurance, from being on SSI, but my husbands health insurance from work is terrible. So I worry about him, I worry about our son. Now I am finally worrying about myself as well. For some reason, the high bs's I just ignored, the gall bladder I ignored, but the problems with my eyes scared me enough to reach out to you folks. I told you all of this stuff for the very reason that I want you to understand me, and my lack of willingness to change. I am a recovering addict, I have almost 3yrs clean now. So I know I have it in me somewhere to change, or I wouldn't have been able to quit the pain pills. I am so tired of my feet hurting so much when I walk. My new doc. told me that they won't know the extint of the nerve damage to my feet until about 6mos after I get my bs's under control. I am so tired of being sick and tired. I sleep a lot(which I also know is due in part to my diabetes.) So yeah, I guess with even as scared I am to change, and embaressed about telling my story, I am reaching out to you folks, because I also have a 23yr old ds, and a 28yr old dd, with 2 young grandchildren, but mostly I want to be around to see my 13yr. old ds grow up. So here it is all laid out for you guys. The ugly truth about me not changing. Sorry this post is so so very long. I would so like any feedback I can get, hopefully not to harsh. Thanks I appreciate you all listening. Thanks,

Donna

Donna

Avatar for cl_coldfingers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 5:46pm

Hi Amy!


Avatar for cl_maryfrances40
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 7:36pm

Cheryl,


What in the world are they asking for that you can't find? Sometimes, as I discovered with turbino sugar, it is just the name of thing. Turbino sugar is the same as raw sugar, which I didn't know!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 8:30am
You talk about your mom and how hard this has been on you. This is all I am going to say - How hard is it going to be on your children when you're gone? Think about them and all the sadness they will go through if you die at such a young age.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 2:33pm

Donna, I am so glad that you wrote.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 12:24pm

Not sure of the brand - it can make a variety of sizes of loaves, stop at just dough (does all the mixing and kneading for things like pizza dough) and can even make a simple jam. The recipes are from a variety of books - the basic wheat bread is from a bread machine recipe book but we also have 3 or 4 other bread books.

What we like about it is that we can make a whole grain bread (with actual whole wheat and/or other grains like rye) with no preservatives and with low glycemic sweeteners (still haven't tried the Splenda for baking in a bread yet). It's not just white bread with caramel coloring and preservatives.

The other bonus to using just the bread machine (by habit at this point) is that we use a lot less bread over all. We use maybe two loaves of bread per month compared to the average household which uses probably a loaf a week or more. We use way more of the low carb multi grain tortillas (Tumaro's brand, one tortilla is 13 grams of carb if I remember correctly from the last time I looked).

--Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 4:51am
Hi Donna

the best thing you have done is ask for help, being scared is normal for all of us who are diabetic, but embarrassment is not good let go, there is nothing to be embarrassed about needing help. I was diagnosed in 2001 type 1. been through all the fear and confusing and denial. take it one thing at the time, you will not be able to help any one , if you don't love yourself better than any one else, we don't take our medication or leave it for someone else. we do that for us to feel better in order to have enough well being to love the rest of our family.
Istarted using Lantus, one and half year ago, and its one of the best I've used, before that I have landed in ICU 4 times, that's something I wouldn't wish for any one.
I started changing my eating habit slowly slowly, when I feel peekish I eat carrots, they are sweet, full of fibers and vitamin A which is good for the eyes. when I feel like something sweet and my sugar level is law, I eat an apple.
I believe you are also suffering from some depression which is not helping in this case, cause it will make you not able to move much, same with high blood sugar, so may be you need to look for some good psychiatric help, to put you on antidepressant, to help elevate you.
as for how to change your cooking this I can take it up with you if you would like so.
One thing is very important, if you are living in the USA, you will need to be careful with all the ready made things in the market, according my experience, every thing is full of sugar even the salad.I also feel you are addicted to your sugar, which is normal when we are diabetics, the higher the sugar level in the blood , the more we crave sugar, the fact is we eat, but the body is starved from the sugar supply when there is not enough insulin
to open the muscles key to deliver the sugar from the blood vessels to the muscles.
I would go off all kind of sugar , take it gradual, reduce it in your coffee one half spoon every one week, in one month you will be able to drink your coffee without sugar, I do since 25 years now, I don't drink any sugary drinks, as I say I eat my sugar not drink it.
meaning every now and then when I really wish something sweet, I would go for it as a treat, but make sure that is a meal replacement, and up my insulin a bit.
you are still young, and have a long life in front of you to enjoy your child life and have more grand children. so remember that being healthy, living healthy is a goal.
we can't change any thing unless we change our mind about what we want to change.
it starts in the head. So take that lovely dog of yours for his daily walks, he need it.

change eating habits is for the whole family, healthy eating is necessary for the whole family, diabatic, is running in families. so for love of your family keep them healthy.
start the meal with a big salad, with home made dressing, with some olive oil and lemons, salt and pepper, it's great. filling and full of fiber and no bad cholesterol.
arrange your meal as more vegetables than carbs, meats. change your bread to full corn than whit, it tastes better and it is better digested, it is slow releasing the sugar in the blood think this is good start before you make the whole change. in case you need more help you can contact me on halniel@hotmail. com. I would be more than glad to share with you some tips on cooking healthy, I'm a good hobby cook, who upgraded the art of vegetarian eating to an Art.
Big Hug and good luck with a healthy start.
Huda
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 10:28am

huda2008,


I so agree with you about everything you have said. I want to thank you for your support, and I will be e-mailing you to ask for some help with food idea's. I went to see my PCP on Monday. What has happened is that when I went the first time, she changed my Glipzed, to Glipized ER, I think that is the name of it. I saw her for the first time mid Nov. The only medication I was taking was the reg. glipiside(sp), I know, and only 5mg. So she changed it to 10mg. of the ER, I really am messing up here because I don't think that I am spelling it right, or saying that it is the ER. It is just one that is suppose to last longer, anyway I now take that 2x's a day. Before breakfast and before dinner. She also had a dietitian call me, which she did, I was suppose to check my bs's, at fasting, before dinner, and before bedtime. I never got around to the dinner one, or the bedtime one. Because of the high numbers every morning, I just got discouraged to check it, and eventually just stopped checking it at all. Than last Mon. when I saw her, I thought I was going to get really busted for not doing what I was suppose to do. I was wrong to a degree. Her biggest thing was to do as you say to change my eating habits slowly, way slow. She was also very adament that she can't help me if I don't check my BG at the specified times, and report it to my dietitian. So I decided that if I can stop using drugs, than I

Donna

Avatar for cl_coldfingers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 10:45am

Donna, please be careful with low fat or non fat...


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 11:10am

Cheryl,


Thanks for the info. I will try to look closer next time at the store. I only bought 4 days worth of food, just giving it a try. But I believe you are right, eventually I will get to understand the labels better. I will tell you it was tiring to look at almost everything I bought, but also fun in a weird sort of way, if that makes any since. I also figured that if I didn't buy sweets, than hey no one can eat them. So like I said it is at least a beginning for me and my family. I need to still buy a food scale. I know that meat is no more than the size of your palm, lean meat, but need to learn so much more. But like I said I will take it slowly. Thanks for the warning, will be a look out next time.

Donna

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 11:13am
Hey Donna
That sound real great, I can feel life coming back into you, you are going make it for sure
just remember that change happens in a slow way to stick. don't burn all energies at ones
take little jack for a walk for 30 min will help you and him to have a good time, throwing him a stick is also exercise, cleaning the house is exercise, any thing helps, I know you said that you have pain in your feet, this is because your muscles are week, while watching TV in the evening get an empty bottle and roll it with your feet, it burns calories and in the same time strengthen the muscles. baby steps keeps you strong on your feet.
I do remember the time when I heated my bs control, I know what you mean with it,
it is awful thing, but hey we can't do all what we would love to do in the world, or eat all what we wish all the time, I think that you are a strong person who can beat any thing when you put your mind to it, belive me the bit of bad taste is much better than a full weekend hanging between life and death, or may God forbid loosing eye sight or a limb, it is a very mean despise , but today we are lucky to have all what possible to help us beat it. my Grand mother died aged 45 because of it, my father suffered from it for 20 years the last 10 years in his life was the worst being unable to recognize any one around him due to stiffness of the brain arteries. I'm grateful today that I can have insulin, check my
bs, whenever I need too, in the past, it was only once every month in the clinic, or worst they just staved them. we are really lucky to live in this age and time.
so a bit discomfort for a better life is not a big sacrifice. Go girl, you will do just great, let me know if I can be of support in any way.
mega hugs
huda