Scared and Embaressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Scared and Embaressed
36
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 9:46am

Hi Everyone,


I have been diabetic type 2 now for about 7yrs. With that being said, I am very afraid and embaressed to be here on this board. Not so much for what I think you folks will think of me, but more for the fact that by being here means that I have hopefully made the decision to finally do something about trying to get my bs under control. The embaressement comes from the fact that I haven't done anything to get it under control.


I am 49yrs old, this is harder to write than I thought. It really is embarassing. I have read a lot of your post before I decided to start a discussion, and feel very silly, ackward, and childish. The good ole river denial. Okay, when I woke up this morning my fasting bs was 323, I know. After one cup of coffee it was 413. Yesterday, same as today, in the mid 300's, and after my coffee it was 437. With that said, I have had the diabetes under control before during the 7yrs. since I was diagnosed. I had in under control about 2yrs. ago, and than my mom passed away 21mos. ago, and frankly I just didn't care. I was taking Lantus, injectable insulin, 32units at bedtime, and some type of fast acting 12units in the morning before I ate. My bs #'s were a lot lower than. Oh plus I was taking 5mgs. of Glipizide. I am allergic to medformin, or as some call it glucaphoge. By the way my spell checker doesn't work, so please fogive the spelling. Anyway ah ha, forgot to mention that I also weigh 215lbs, I am 5'8" and very sedatary. I have had a right eye lens replacement, because I was in the hospital about 5yrs. ago, because my A1C was 11.7, one morning I woke up(this is while I was in the hospital) and everything was extremely foggy. Like gray. That fast too. The night before I saw fine, than the next morning it was like that. So I called the nurse, they had me start fasting right away, and a couple of days later, they did a right eye lens replacement. A few days after that my sight came back just fine. During that time I would get celluiotist(sp) in my lower legs all the time, well I did get serious about controling the diabetes for a while there, and the celluiatist has never come back. At this point I have neuropathy so bad in both feet, that I hate it. So anyway after my mom passed away, I just quit using the Lantus, and the fast acting insulin. I kept taking the Glipzide, but that wasn't enough to help, so in April of this year I moved from No. Ca. to So. Ca. within a couple of weeks of being here, everytime I would give myself my insulin I would get very red welts that would itch like crazy on the injection site. Within like about 5-10mins. of giving myself the Lantus. Anyway went to see a new doctor(at the time I lived with my sister down here) he told me that it was odd to be on insulin for over a year and than get an allergic reaction to it. But, he put me Avandia, and Medformin. I told him I got sick, like I vomitted when I took medformin, but he said he was putting me on a real sm dose so that it was okay. I got so sick. I stayed on that cocktail for 2mos.(also he took me off of the glipizide), and finally after that amount of time he did another A1C(btw, the one he took when I first saw him was 10. something) and it was 9.6. I was getting really bad cramps in my upper stomach, had to go to the ER. and had to have my gall bladder removed. So off the meds I went again. Finally we moved into our own place on 9-1-07, and I finally went to see a primary care doc 3wks. ago, my blood work was terrible. My Cholesterol, both the good and bad was way up there, my tryglicirides(sp), my A1C was 8.1 so that was way better, and most of all the blood work she ordered was really not so hot. She increased my Glipizide to 10mgs a day, and it is a longer acting Glipizide than what I was on before. She had me start taking my bs's 3x's a day, fasting, before dinner, and at bedtime. The dietician contacted me, and after one week of doing this, I just quit checking my bs's because they were always so high, and when I get scared I just ignore stuff. Well I went to the eye doc. last week, only to find out that my right eye, behind the fake lens is all cloudy, and will need laser surgery, and the left eye has some optic nerve damage. I got referred to Ophthalmology, to see what needs to be done. I have to make an appt. next week. Or this week. So I started thinking about this board, my sight, my feet, my dh is also diabetic, uncontrolled, he by the way is not overweight, we have a 13yr. old ds who is not diabetic,(YET), and to be truthful all this comes down to I don't want to change, I love my pasta, I love my coffee with French Vinalla, and sugar, and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK ANY DIFFERENT WAY THAN WHAT I NOW KNOW HOW TO DO! I don't even know where to start. My mom was from Germany, and my father from Al. So on that note, I learned at a young age to cook very rich and hearty meals. I am obese, I smoke, and I sedatary. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, and Panic Attacks,(which I do know that having such high bs's makes the Depression and P.A.'s much worse) The depression and panic attacks sometimes border on Agoraphobia. Our truck broke down about 2mos ago, so I just don't go out very much anymore. I have a 1yr old Shih Tzu dog that I used to walk for about 40mins 2 times a day. Now I really don't go out. I know that I am heading straight for heart dieases, stroke, and kidney diasese. The thing is like the foods that I eat. I was reading through one of the posts her about sweetners, and I don't care for equal, sweet and low, or splinda, but I remember once someone told me about those drops you can use(forget the name now) that are very strong, and taste a lot about suger. I of course don't like the suger free Coffee Mate French Vanilla creamer. Now that I have told you my whole pity party. I feel very overwhelmed about where to start, and how to start. I honestly don't know how to cook any differently than I do now. I can't go to classes, because of lack of transportation. I have really good health insurance, from being on SSI, but my husbands health insurance from work is terrible. So I worry about him, I worry about our son. Now I am finally worrying about myself as well. For some reason, the high bs's I just ignored, the gall bladder I ignored, but the problems with my eyes scared me enough to reach out to you folks. I told you all of this stuff for the very reason that I want you to understand me, and my lack of willingness to change. I am a recovering addict, I have almost 3yrs clean now. So I know I have it in me somewhere to change, or I wouldn't have been able to quit the pain pills. I am so tired of my feet hurting so much when I walk. My new doc. told me that they won't know the extint of the nerve damage to my feet until about 6mos after I get my bs's under control. I am so tired of being sick and tired. I sleep a lot(which I also know is due in part to my diabetes.) So yeah, I guess with even as scared I am to change, and embaressed about telling my story, I am reaching out to you folks, because I also have a 23yr old ds, and a 28yr old dd, with 2 young grandchildren, but mostly I want to be around to see my 13yr. old ds grow up. So here it is all laid out for you guys. The ugly truth about me not changing. Sorry this post is so so very long. I would so like any feedback I can get, hopefully not to harsh. Thanks I appreciate you all listening. Thanks,

Donna

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 1:26pm

Just had to mention this because of what you posted. At one point when i went to visit my sister, i would take my Walk Away the Pounds tapes by Leslie sansone.

Avatar for cl_maryfrances40
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:16pm

Donna,


When you are finally able to sit down with the dietitian, one of the things she will do is establish carb levels for you based upon what you like to eat, when you like to eat it and your blood sugar readings. Then when you plan your meals you will better understand how to eat as normally as possible and be able to make rational choices. She will also help you understand the label reading better.


Plus your testing will tell you how you respond to certain foods and we all respond differently.


Do look in our recipe folder for ideas for your meals. We have taste tested these recipes!!


But as you begin to feel better the whole world will become brighter for you and you will feel the clouds lifting.



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Avatar for cl_maryfrances40
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:19pm
Don't you wish you could know what is going through their little brains!! LOL!! If only they could talk ......but then again maybe its a good thing they can't!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 9:59pm

Don't be embarrassed, just be happy you are ready to start.


I don't know if you would like to try something like Weight Watchers, but I've found that having a group of people who understand how you are feeling and can offer support is WONDERFUL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 11:29pm

Hugs Donna Im praying for you and your family. Yes ivillage has some wonderful groups on here! I dont have diabetes now, but I had gest diabtes when I was pregnant. The reason I came onto this board was to find info for my mom who found out she is pre type 2 diabtec- like shes getting close and has to chagne her eating habits. I didnt understnad my mom is thin and I always thought she ate healthy...? But it was more of what she ate and when. Like she had vanilla wafers with her coffee in the am, lunch peanut butter sanwich on whole wheat and pita chips, dinner it really varied, alot of pasta I guess...and before bed fresh fruit or apple sauce. Maybe you can still have some of what you enjoy but in moderation and certain times of the day...? I dont know?? I will say this though.... I used to hate diet sodas---ick after having them over a period of time I cant drink a regular soda its just tooo sweet. I used sugar in my coffee, well I changed that to sweet n low ICK didnt like that for a while either! Now I use sweet n low all the time...Some thigns may take some time getting used to, but I bet before you know it you will choose some of these healthier foods over the old ones! Good luck and God Bless.


Collins

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 1:36am

Hi,


Thanks for the reply. I haven't been on this board for quite a while. Thank you for your suggestions. I have been struggling with making the right choice on what to do about my diabetes. As I have had it already for eight years and have done next to little about it. With that being said, I have paid the price of "pretending" I don't have diabetes. The neuropathy that I have in my feet is extreame. Numb yet painful at the same time, especially the toes, and the pads/souls of my feet. I have also found out recently that I have optic nerve damage in my left eye. Also problems with my right eye. I had a right eye lens replacement about 5 yrs. ago, and now the membrane behind the fake lens is cloudy, catheracts in the membrane. With that eye, they only have to do laser surgery, so I am very lucky there, and with the left eye, they haven't decided on what to do yet.


With all that said, let me say that for the last 3wks. I have started to take my diabetes seriously, slowly at first as you suggested, and than this last week totally serious. In just one week my BG has gone from the 200-300-400's to not once over 130. Amazing what eating the right foods will do for a person. I allow myself no more than 45carbs for each meal. Usually 30-35 for breakfast and lunch, and usually no more than 40 for dinner. I have also been watching my fat intake, and exercising. In just a little over a week I have lost 6lbs. So I am feeling like I finally am getting some control over this disease. Took me long enough, LOL. My husband who is also a diabetic, has been testing himself on a reg. basis, and now has much lower numbers. Not quite within range, but getting there. I just decided last week to throw out all the "bad" food, and in with the good. I do so pray that I will continue to look at this as a positive, and I find it hard not to as with the results that I am seeing. But I am also still on cloud 9. I finally start my first diabetes classes on Feb. 19. so I am stoked about that. The first class is with a dietitian, so I have been writing down what I eat, what time, and also doing a 2hr after meal check to see what my numbers are, so that not only do I know what works for me, but also so that I can show to the dietitian, and get some meal plans. I have yet to get the nerve up to try wheat pasta, so I will either be giving it up, or will have to find some type of pasta that I like and that agrees with me. Going to the grocery store is one of my biggest chores now. It is funny because her I am taking about 2hrs. to shop, because I am always reading labels, and comparing one food from another. My son helps alot in that area, and even my hubby has learned to read labels. So it is nice when the RN calls me and asks me for my numbers, and I can give a good progress report. Nice not to be so embarressed anymore. I have also heard that the chances of neuropathy can reverse itself within 6mos. once you have your BG numbers within normal range. I am no counting down the time. I know that some of the damage that I have done to the nerves will be permanent, but am hoping that some of it will reverse. It also feels good to come on this board and have a positive report to give instead of all the negative feelings I was feeling about diabetes. I'm not angry anymore about having diabetes, and I think that was my because hurdle to overcome. I don't like having it, but I can think of a lot of worse things to have. My 28 yr. old daughter has M.S. and there is nothing that she can do about her diease, which hurts me to the core. Yet as there is no cure for diabetes, at least it is a diease that is controlable. So that is in the good news department. I wish you all the best, and thank you for your help. I need all the help I can get. Take care

Donna

Donna

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