Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Help
4
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 2:29pm

Not sure what I am doing here. Hope this doesn't offend anyone.


I am a 52 year old diabetic, type 1.  Have a lot of complications from my diabetes. A few of them give me lots of problems. I had to have a leg amputated the end of '07. Been living with ED for years.


Have done some research on that. Do others suffer from it? I know it has affected me, part of the reason I have depression. Not sure what to do about it.


I love my wife. We have been married 29 years now and she has been a great source of support for me. I am sorry that she has to live with me and my diabetes. I am not able to give her what I know she deserves and know she wants.


I can give her sexual satisfaction from manual manipulation, but not from intercourse. Have tried pills, they don't work. Have tried other things and they cause a lot of discomfort. I don't feel like a man because of this.


The only way I get any satisfaction is to look at porn. I am afraid to have sex with my wife because I feel inadequate. This causes me to feel guilty but I am not sure what to do about it. My wife doesn't pressure me, and I know these feelings are caused by me. Since I feel inadequate, I don't initiate sex any more and that is frustrating. I know this is a circle that is caused by my feelings and inability to face them.  


Thanks for letting me have the opportunity to vent. Being able to express this helps because I am unable to tell someone in person.


 


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: temptinghope
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 5:01pm

Can you perhaps share some "light porn" with your wife? Find a movie (with on demand cable service, it's not necessary to sneak down to the locked room at the video store anymore), get comfy, turn down the lights, and watch *together*. Also, 90% of a woman's arousal is in her mind - penetration is NOT repeat NOT necessary for satisfaction necessarily. Remember, it's "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse" right? If you can get -some- satisfaction from porn, it's possible to get satisfaction, right? Include your wife, don't shut her out of this - it's obviously not making either of you happy. Being a 'real man' has very little to do with anatomy - there are LOTS of guys out there who are "stallions" and are really cruddy to women. On the other hand, there are guys who can send a woman swooning, not because they are "endowed" but because they truly care about their partner and connect long before the lights are even off. As one humorous person put it (maybe Jeff Foxworthy, sounds like him) "doing the dishes COUNTS as foreplay". You might also seek counselling for your depression and discuss this issue as well - and again, include your wife. Hiding is not good for anyone. From her perspective, possibly, knowing that you only get satisfied from porn but not her has got to make HER feel a bit "less attractive" and I know that's not what you want.

--Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: temptinghope
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 12:33pm

Had to go so I didn't actually finish my previous post:

anyhow, if you get "satisfaction" alone looking at porn, have you considered asking your wife to "assist" so that you are mutually manually "satisfying" each other? Digital penetration is also an option if you're both okay with that. Chances are there's no fear of failure if you "do it yourself" which is why you can do it alone but not with your spouse. Remove the idea that there's "failure" - there's really more than one way to "satisfy" each other - it may be that by removing the idea of "performance" from your definition of "satisfied" you'll be able to enjoy, if not a "hot" love life, at least some level of physical intimacy. It's really not necessary for both parties to reach orgasm every time for both parties to be satisfied.

Also, keep in mind that BOTH of you need to grieve the situation BUT this is not the end of the world - really. Right now, my MIL would rather have your situation than her current one: FIL passed away less than a month ago after 3 months in the hospital which was after over a year of ill health. Prior to that, my best guess is that they were more "room mates" than lovers but that didn't change that they were together for better or worse (and they had seen a LOT of worse in their married life). Which is why I suggested counselling - so you can both work through grieving the loss of things you once had as well as work through ways to move forward.

--Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2001
In reply to: temptinghope
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 9:13am

Hi temptinghope,


I sent you an e-mail, I hope you got it.

Castaway


A Friend in Recovery


Paul

Avatar for cl_coldfingers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: temptinghope
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 12:43pm
Thank you Paul!


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