New here and ready for the rollercoaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
New here and ready for the rollercoaster
6
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 10:53am

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Andi. I have been married to my DH Ray for 10 years, although it feels like a zillion (in a very good way). We've been trying to have a baby since 2004 with no luck.

I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2005 and we went through Clomid treatments. I turned into the Tasmanian Devil and we decided Clomid wasn't right for me and they should have a safe house for husbands. I then went to my RE and he got me on Femara injections (the first time self injecting, I took 2 hours to do it!!). I produced a couple of nice juicy follicles, but no babies. I was disheartened.

Disheartened? No, more like crushed. I wasn't sleeping, was in a bleak depression, unwilling to hope anymore, not talking to Ray, retreating into behaviors that weren't healthy for me. The list goes on and on. I struggle with depression anyway, but this betrayal by my body left me angry, sad and resentful. My marriage was in jeopardy. I was so angry that I had been setting up my life for motherhood and I wasn't becoming a mother. Suddenly the responsible car, big house, man I was married to and money in the bank were nothing more than symbols of my failure. I was at the edge of the abyss. Hope was my enemy, so I was only left with dispair.

I took a long hard look at my life and decided to fix one thing at a time. I started with me. I found hobbies and things I loved to get me interested in life again. I tried to learn and grow within myself. I then started to reconnect with my husband. It was a long journey to regain some of the trust I had lost, but we are stronger than ever now. I figured out which friends were most important to me and found ways to keep them in my life and close. I reached out to people I had let go in the past and brought them back into my life.

And we stopped trying for the baby.

All discussions of children ceased. No adoption talk. No talk of injectibles and cervical mucus and insurance. No planning vacations around possible IVF cycles to come. We got young again an went to concerts on week nights, bought a car that no baby should be in, discovered the beauty of a good 21 year old Scotch. We played and talked and remembered why we were together in the first place. Falling in love again is even better than the first time. All the while, I worked through my feelings and have come to a place where I'm OK with whatever the future holds.

But for as much as we enjoy one another's company, Christmas was really lonely this past year. We were happy to be together, but our family felt too small. We decided it was time to go back. We didn't want to rush, so we planned to go back to the doctor this summer. I went back on Metformin and just had my appointment with my regular doctor and he's set things up for the RE again. I'll go in September.

This time around I'm excited and eager, but not in the manic way I was before. I'm astoundingly calm. Maybe it's that I have a good idea of what's coming. Maybe it's that I am older and wiser (ha!). Maybe it's that the ticking in my ears is loud enough to drown out the fear.

Or maybe I just gave myself enough time to heal.

That's my story. I'm really happy to have found this group. I've been lurking for a bit and know this is the right place for me.

Other things to know about me are that I currently work in a library. A psychic once told me I would have trouble getting pregnant. I make LOTS OF JOKES-especially at the doctors office. I'm long winded (clearly). I am big hearted. I love being outside, especially at the dogpark with my lab/pittie mix Max. I'm going to be a great mom, no matter how it happens. I'm a good shoulder to cry on. And while I can't say I know what you're feeling, I can say I've been through things like that. And it sucked. Big time.

But it's better this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:19am

Hi Andi! I'm Nia, and although I haven't been here long, I wanted to say welcome. I too have decided it's time to be proactive. And if I hadn't, reading your post would have definitely got me going. Beautiful. I actually just posted a short blurb. I'm ready to admit to myself that I have a problem, and I need help with it. For so long I've struggled to deal with the fact that I cannot do it alone. I get so angry and depressed too, but I'm tired of feeling that way. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, so I decided it's time to go to the doctor. I'm 24, in a wacky relationship with my DBF whom I love dearly. We're wacky together, and that's what makes it great. Because in spite of my fertility issues, I can still laugh at his jokes and can still feel loved, even when I'm not doing a good job of loving myself. We tried for a little while last year to conceive, nothing happened. We broke up for four months (I think the stress just broke us down), and got back together. I'm not sure where this road will lead for us, but I have to do this if for nothing more than to end my depression. We haven't discussed trying again, but it still does weigh on our relationship. I wish you God's blessing on your TTC journey and I hope that this time around things go better and faster for you all. And I, like you, tend to be long winded. lol. Maybe we can start this journey together. BTW, I have two furbabies, pitt purebreeds, and absoulutely wonderful, when they're not misbehaving.

TTYS

babies Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 12:06pm

Hi Andi,

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 9:55am

Thanks for the warm welcome all!

I can't wait to get to know you all better.

Keep your spirits up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2006
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 3:07pm

bwel1103.gif picture by karlaking


Hello Andi,


Welcome to our board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:08pm
Andi, Hi & welcome! I can relate to what you said!! I am starting my first IVF cycle after a year of failed treatments (3 IUI's with Clomid & 3 with injectables.) I get so depressed sometimes b/c I never thought IF would happen to us, but also I don't want to lose what I have, so I have been making more of an effort lately to keep my marriage strong.
Well I enjoyed reading your post & good luck to you!! Marisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 5:26pm
hey andi- nice to meet you. my name is Molly. sounds like you have had a heck of a ride, but it sounds like everything is coming together for you. Good luck with the baby thing and i hope it all works for you. i too am new to this and also knew with PCOS diagnosis, it sucks!! anyhow we have been trying for like 6 months or so, so we are new to all of this too. we are a young couple, i am 21 and DH is 23, we have been married a year but my dr told us if we want children...we should start now. that was the most depressing day of all my 21 years, and he didnt sound real reasuring that we would be able to conceive, so here we are 6 months later and still trying. so here is my question for you...how do you keep things alive between you and dh while trying...it just seems like we are loosing spontinaity with sex and jsut wondering how to keep it alive...??