How to cope with friend's pgcy
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| Fri, 09-14-2007 - 4:32pm |
Hi everyone,
I've been posting replies for a little while now but wanted to introduce myself and ask for help with something. My hubby and I are 29 and ttc #1. We've been together for almost 11 years, married for 5. We used BCP until May 2006 when we started ttc. 18 cycles later, here we are. We tried on our own for one year before seeing an infertility specialist. During that year, we tried "just letting it happen," OPKs, fertility monitor, pre-seed, Fertil-Aid, and all that fun stuff. When we went in for testing, we found out that I have a short luteal phase and my hubby has very low morphology (4% krugers). Everything else seems all good--I ovulate well on my own, tubes are all clear, everything's shaped nicely. I do spot a bit throughout my cycle and my doctor thinks it's due to a friable (tender) spot on my cervix, so I'm hoping to have that fixed this month. We tried one IUI with natural ovulation in August, and hope to try IUI with injectibles next cycle.
So, here's my question...we were the first couple of our group of friends and family to ttc. We didn't tell anyone for more than a year, then we finally did in July and it feels great to have this new support system. (Plus I really needed it for all these tests and procedures!!) Several of my friends started ttc over the summer, and one of my best friends just found out she's pregnant.
I was so surprised by my reaction--I was so, so upset. She tried for 4 months, I even let her borrow my FM because we weren't using it anymore. I actually feel sad that my best friend is pregnant! What kind of friend am I? I want to be there for her and experience this with her but at the same time, I can't handle even talking to her, let alone talking about my infertility or her pgcy. I've been avoiding her calls and I know this isn't the best way to handle it, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like a horrible friend and person for just having these feelings...acting on them seems almost out of the question. I know how excited I would be if it were me, and the thought that one of my friends would be so selfish as to not be happy for me...well, since I'm that friend, I just feel terrible about myself.
I would love any words of encouragement, advice, or wisdom. It's very nice to have you all to talk to!
Reba



well let me just tell you you are not alone since me and my hubby have been trying my sister, my cousin, 3 bestfriends, and stepmom have all gotten pregnant before me and we were trying before all of them. it just seems like one after another. it was so hard and still is. i really don't have any wisdom for it though. i threw my sister and baby shower and my step mom and that kind of helped me but it is still hard seeing everyone else pregnant. my husband and i had been trying for 8 months when my step mom told me she was pregnant "and they had just started trying" then my sister got pregnant
Loving wife since March 26, 2005!
I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have been TTC #2 for a year and a half with 2 miscarriages. We have put in our share of effort and heartache. And I totally feel that we are due! So I can understand how upsetting it is when people reach that goal when they haven't been trying very long.
A few months ago, I found out that my best friend and the wife of my husband's best friend were pregnant. It broke my heart. I was happy for them, but sad for myself at the same time.
It was difficult for me to listen to them talk about their pregnancies...and one of them was suffering from horrible morning sickness and complaining a lot....I mean....a lot. I just couldn't take it. So I finally had to tell her that I couldn't be the one she vents to because I'm having a really hard time myself. It was really hard for me to tell her and I admit I chickened out and did most of it over email...but I'm glad I told her. She had no idea that she was hurting my feelings. She knows my whole story...but she just didn't think about what she was saying.
I think you need to talk to your best friend and tell her that you're having a hard time. Tell her that you're happy for her...because deep down inside you probably are. But tell her that you just can't hear all of the details right now. Tell her that you need her support. I'm sure she will understand.
Sadly, both of my friends miscarried not too long ago. It absolutely broke my heart to hear that they were now in the same situation I was in. Because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've also been feeling a lot of guilt because of the jealous thoughts I had been having. But...all of those feelings and thoughts are not productive.
As women...we have to learn that we need to be there for each other in good time and in bad. We have such a gift we are natural mothers whether we have given birth or not. We need to mother our friends, our sisters and ourselves.
Cut yourself some slack and talk to your friend. Otherwise, it will be a long 9 months for you without your best supporter.
Reba,
Do not feel bad about feeling bad about your friend's pregnancy.
Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your responses. It helps so much to know that I'm not the only one who has felt these things. I did talk to my best friend over the weekend...it was hard for both of us but I think it went well. I told her I want to be there as much as possible for her, but there will be days when I am having a hard time with it. She understood and was impressed and relieved that I will be able to share this with her at all. She admitted that if the situation was reversed, she doesn't think she would be able to be friends with me. I guess we don't know what we are capable of until we are faced with it. So I will continue taking it one day at a time. :)
Reba
Remembering o
Hi Reba,
This is the first time I've ever posted a message, and yours resonated with me. I'm 32, have tried for 20 months now, unexplained infertility, one failed natural cycle-IUI. I recently found out that two women in my office (of five people) are both pregnant. I was (am) shocked at how hard this has been. Sure, I've been through the "milestones" of the friend who started after us not only conceiving, but actually having given birth in less time than we've been trying, or the one who had number one when we started ttc, and is now well on her way through pregnancy number two, but it's different when it's someone(s) that you have to interact with on a daily basis. And someone for whom you want to be happy. I went from only being blue around the time of my period, to feeling down pretty much all the time.
But, us humans are complex people, full of complex emotions, who can truly feel happy for someone at the same time we feel jealous, sad, or angry. One of the women told me her "news" over e-mail so I didn't have to worry about putting on a brave face. I appreciated that because I have to admit, my first reaction was not very supportive, to say the least. (Nor appropriate for a PG audience.) I never thought I would be jealous of someone for feeling nauseated. Needless to say, I'm worried about how hard watching their pregnant bellies grow is going to be.
One thing that sorta surprised me is how much easier it is when I'm not around them. It's not like I still don't know they are pregnant. But, when what you want most in the world is not being constantly slapped in your face, you can distract yourself with other things. I'm not really offering that up as advice; obviously, you can't not be friends with your best friend. (And I can't not go to work.) So all I can do is say what others on this board have said; you are not a bad person, you are normal and you are human.
By the way, my husband has trouble understanding my negative emotions towards other people's pregnancies because he himself doesn't feel that way. So I spent a long time feeling like I was a bad person myself. I'm starting to get over it, but this kind of thinking does give your self-confidence a beating.
Cheers,
Olive
(((Reba)))
For me, this was the worst part, until I accepted that it's okay for me to be sad.
Hi Reba,
As the pp have said, you are definitely not alone in feeling like this.
HI