strain on marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
strain on marriage
7
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 9:46pm

Sorry but I need to vent...

We just started the infertility treatments (blood work, sperm analysis, on our way to Clomid + IUI) and since we started, my husband has just been nearly impossible when it comes to his responsibility.

We both have issues. For me, it seems that ovulation problems are the cause (FSH 9.2, Progesterone 3.3). For him, he has a low count but the doctor wants him retested. The doc things that the labs were a little wonky so he wants to see what his lab would say. And on top of which, my husband has a bad habit that, if he stopped, could sigificantly improve his count.

I go in for my first baseline ultrasound because I have a cyst on the ovary. They want to see if it's gone before I go on Clomid. But I and the doc feel that it's important that my husband get retested. My husband was bragging that 'my boys are fine.' and all I said was "no, they're not." And he blew up saying how insensitive and cruel I am and he's not getting restested. I only said it because it sounded like he was in denial and I want him to realize the facts and he has a chance to change it.

Why is it ok for a woman to have god knows how many fertility issues and quite frankly, some of them tell us that we're getting old. Yet a man has low count, which could change if he lays off the stupid weed, and he's all "how could you say such things?" and storm off?

I'm not looking for judgements on the weed issue. It's been a long sore spot with me/us and we do have discussions about it. But I found today to be just ridiculous with him.

When we're fighting we usually send emails to each other and I left him a doosey.

I told him by him not getting retested, he is telling me that his ego is more important than accepting science or giving change a try because his count could do a 360 improvement. His refusing to get retested tells me that he's totally fine with me taking hormone shots, risking myself w/ god knows what side effects and long term risks (I just can't believe that these drugs are 100% safe in the long run), that it's ok for me to have catheters that hurt shoved through my cervix, and it's sure fine and dandy to go through an egg retrieval where needles are through my hoo-ha and in my ovaries. Sedation or not, the thing does not sound like a good time to me.

I told him that my level is a 9.2 which tells me that age is starting to come into focus. At 36 I don't have time for games. If he's going to be this way and be part of a bigger problem down the road, then he needs to tell me now and be willing to walk away so I can find someone else while I still have time. This behavior is not fair to me.

I know...it sounds like I have bigger problems to worry about. Some days I think so too. My husband is a very good man with so much potential. Since I met him, everyone says what a change he's made and it's because of me; that he realized that he can do things beyond accepting a mediocre life (ie. starting his own business, improving himself, etc).

But his stubborness and glimmer of repeating his father's ways constantly get in the way and he never sees it (his dad died of alcoholism and to this day he's still not over it). One would think that they wouldn't want to repeat history if these habits hurt him to the core as a kid. I'm not without my own problems either and I try to keep that in perspective that I can't repeat my parents' mistakes.

He makes me so angry with all of this.

Anyone else's husband is all stupid and ego-filled about their role in the infertility battle? Why is it ok to be a woman's problem? This is 2007, not 1800. Who cares whose fault it is? Do what you can to improve it and accept things for what they are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2007
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 1:45pm

Wow, I don't even know where to start to tell you what were dealing with (but I know how your feeling).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 4:34pm

I hear ya. Although I will say that I did try weed long time ago when we were first dating. I didn't like it and saw it as stupid. BUT I will say that yes, the effects are very similar to drinking alcohol (except for me, I got nauseous, numb face, and dizzy. But then again, I get that if I drink a lot). And the issue is that the only reason people freak out is because it's illegal. However, it is illegal and lately all I can think about is the impact on the kids. Not so much as my husband doing it in the house (because he won't) but the fact that he has friends with kids and they'll want to play with ours and I'm sorry, I don't agree with their usage/beliefs with kids. I have friends who constantly question and outright say "well you do realize when it's our turn, our kids won't be allowed in your house because of his usage unless he's not there."

Do you know how that makes me feel? I'm 36 and I'm scared. This issue is very important to me and I just don't know what to do. My gut says leave but part of my gut is saying "you're 36, by the time the divorce goes through (he's going to be super stubborn), god knows when you'll meet someone and have kids." I just feel an emense amount of pressure yet guilt because I just don't know what to do for the kid. I feel ashamed and an idiot for all of this. I knew he smoked 4 months into dating (he hid it from me). I always hated it because of the stigma and some of his friends who smoke (I just think they're a bad influence). It's the only drug he does besides alcohol and I do 'get it' but still. To know how people give me that tone or look because I"m married to a user and we're trying to get pregnant makes me feel like a joke.

Well he should feel good. I can't continue with any treatment until my cyst goes away. I got an ultrasound today and it said that the cyst didn't shrink at all (5 cm). So I can't go on Clomid. On top of it, he's so wrapped up in his own "oh you hurt my feelings" that he's still not speaking to me and didn't even ask how the doc appt. went.

Instead, he took his beer and left for a friend's house for the Superbowl. Now that's love.

I feel like utter @$#@ because I looked into divorce at 33/34 .I should have had the guts to leave then. Maybe I would have found a non-user by now and would be on my way to trying to get pregnant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2007
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 7:41pm

Hey,


My point with the alcohol is that i'm not an alcholic or never have been I just on occasion have a drink, not to releive stress but just because.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 9:46pm

hey there- i just saw your post and i can totally relate to just about everything you are saying about dh.

   

                              

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 6:26am

I'm sure this is common. But are we just going to complain about it or do something? I'm realizing that 3 close friends are users and if I bring a kid into this world, my kid will play with their kids and down the road, that's 3 opportunities to get weed (or worse) really easy. I'm seriously thinking about divorce.

I just can't believe this. I'm going to lose my husband, house, time, etc. all because of his habit. I can't stop crying and I don't even want to go into work today. I can't even afford a divorce (neither can he). But time is running out. This is the hardest thing I'm about to go through. I wish I could go run to my parents and his friends to tell them what is going on. I wish I could tell these 3 losers how they're behavior affected my life. However, in the end, it was my husband's behavior and choices that destroyed this family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 2:09am

I'm so sorry that on top of the infertility you're having other problems, as well. When it rains, it pours!

I know from personal experience that IF puts a real strain on a relationship. Because the treatments are almost always focused on the women (even if it is a male factor, which I think utterly sucks), men and women have drastically different viewpoints. I know from experience that my dh and I have had to sit down and talk about this stuff fairly often, checking in with each other and working through our differences. We've been married almost 3 years, but we've been together almost 7, and we've been TTC 3 years in all.

But it sounds to me like the IF is only one small factor of what's going on. You two are dealing with some drug/alcohol use and abuse. Those are VERY big issues. Huge! And underlying that are issues centering around trust, acceptance, and whether or not the other person will be there when the chips are down. Especially as you're moving toward bringing another human being into this mix, it's probably a good idea to work on all of those things.

My suggestion would be to find a counselor or therapist to work with both of you. Marriage is hard, and it takes a phenomenal amount of work. And sometimes no matter how hard you work, you're still not going to be able to muddle through all the different issues going on. Just like if you had problems with the drainage of your house and neither of you had a great deal of experience in that, you would call an expert to help you. There's not only no shame in doing this, there's a great deal of honor in valuing your marriage to the extent that you call in a specialist when one is needed.

It sounds like the two of you are communicating--the e-mail is a good idea as you can get your feelings out and you don't have all of that face-to-face whacking you over the head with emotions. But you'll need to have the face-time, too, and you may need to have someone help you with that.

That's my two cents! IF beside the point, LIFE is hard! You need to know that the person you have by your side is going to be there no matter what. One of the wonderful things about marriage is being able be your ugliest and know that person still loves and values you. They may not like you at that moment, just as you don't always like them, but like is something that comes and goes. Love and acceptance is constant. Just as you will love and accept a child even when s/he is being an absolute beast!

I wish you luck as you go through all of this. It is all hard enough without adding to it. Feel free to vent here as needed.

k

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 4:29pm

Hi.


I am so sorry you are going through this. IF is one of the most stressful things that a couple can go through and lots of times you find out something about your spouse and how they handle stress that you didn’t really want to know.


I agree with the OP about going to marriage counseling. If nothing else, the therapist will help you decide what you want to do with your marriage. I will warn you though, the therapist will probably confront your DH’s use right off the bat and the therapy may revolve around that for a while (some therapists may say they can’t treat a couple when one of the couple has a substance use problem). But that may be a wake up call for your DH.


Good luck. I really hope that things start to come around for you. I hope that your DH wakes up and realizes that his drug use is affecting his marriage and his family before it is too late.

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