ToTell People or Not To Tell People
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| Wed, 03-12-2008 - 6:29pm |
I've begun to tell friends and relatives that I'm having trouble getting pregnant and am beginning treatment and the reaction has been mostly not what I've been expecting. I e-mailed a good friend and she has not written back (and trust me, she checks e-mail 10 times a day - she lives in Europe so I can't easily call her). I told my brother and all he said (again, via e-mail - he too is in Europe) is "I see." Another friend flat out ignored my problem and started ranting and raving about her own. We had a big fight about her selfishness but she never really apologized so now we're pretending like I never said anything. I actually do have a friend who had fertility problems, but now she is pregnant and I get the feeling that talking about what she went through really rains on her happy parade. She will engage me about the tests and treatments involved but not about the emotional pain. I guess she doesn't want to remember, and I can't blame her. The bottom line is that I am feeling SO ALONE. Thank God for this board, but I wish I could meet you all in person, you know? So what do you think, is it better not to tell people? It's like they can't deal. But then I wish they would friggin' stop asking me when I'm going to start a family every five seconds - "so when are you guys going to have a baaaaby?" So sick of that question!!!!!!!!

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Hi wifeofalex, Let me first say I totally feel your pain of being all alone!
I found that people have been pretty good overall, but I've also been TTC for 3 years. The first couple of years, it was a lot harder. The tragedy of my first failed IVF cycle is what really brought things to a close. I went on medical leave for psychological reasons for almost 3 months, my boss wept when he heard my news, and since then people have backed waaaaay off. I still talk about it a little bit, and now that I'm starting another IVF cycle in a couple of weeks I need to let people know since I'll be missing work and being, you know, nuts.
I made it clear to non-work friends and family a while ago that I would update them if anything changed, and let them know when I went through a cycle of FET or IVF. That has worked for me, and no one has asked me about it at all. The thing that made the first time so hard was I had told EVERYBODY, and therefore when it didn't work and I had to tell EVERYBODY that, it was like ripping open the wound each time.
People are different everywhere you go, though, and just because I've had mostly respect (a few dingers here and there) doesn't mean everyone has that experience. I'd say just to do what you feel you have to do, keep your boundaries clear, and never apologize for how you feel. True friends will be there through the good and the bad, and it's times like these you kind of figure out who those people are.
Wish there was a way to make it not suck, though!
kris
Thanks Kris.
You've answered several of my posts now and I do so appreciate your thoughtfulness and sensitivity. It feels like I am talking to a friend.
I wish you the best of luck with everything, and I'm sure we'll chat again.
I
I agree with tess- tell only 1 or 2 good friends.
This is a hard one and is personal and for
Ashley
It's a hard decision to tell people. Pretty much everyone says, "Oh. Huh." when I tell them.
So many
TTC #1 since 2006
5 Rounds of Clomid
4 Failed IUIs in 2007
3 Failed IVFs in 2008
Moving on to IVF #4 (again after cancel)
(((wifeofalex)))
I want to start by saying that I have not read the other posters replies so if I repeat their info/advice I'm sorry.
My family was really understanding. Mainly because when I went to the Dr. when I was 18 the Dr. said I would probably need help to get PG cause I had some issues. So they were mentally prepared before I even got married.
My In-law's on the other hand were a different story. I told my MIL and FIL while we were engaged that I might have issues. BUT my SBIL was such an idiot last Christmas - out of the blue he started rubbing my tummy and was asking "if i had a bun in the oven?!" I about decked him! I almost left the room in tears but fought them cause I didn't want to ruin the festive mood. I finally caved in and told the in-law siblings that we were having issues with TTC.
I say... just ride things out. You will know when and who to tell when the time is right.
Plus, if you are not getting the responses you expect - don't worry. Sometimes people do not know how to react when it's something they can't relate too.
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