Hopeful AND Confused????
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|Thu, 08-07-2008 - 12:18pm|
I have always been the type of person that has just found laughter to be the best medicine. Generally, I can ALWAYS find the light at the end of the tunnel (even if it takes me a while) and I can always find something to laugh and smile about, even if it's my own situation. So I think it's safe to say I'm a pretty positive person. But ever since I've had my HSG I've found myself at a crossroads.
I also feel like I've always had an amazing intuition, if I have a feeling about something, 9x out of 10, it's right. (Ex. DH and I got home after the Phillies game the other day and he thought out loud "I wonder how the Phillies did?" I half jokingly said "they lost 8-2" He clicks on the game and what do ya know, I was right, a lucky guess maybe but kinda freaky! He keeps asking for the Powerball numbers HE HE!) So after my MC last year, I KNEW there was something not right about me, I knew my DH was fine I just knew there was something wrong with ME. And my HSG yesterday proved that to be correct. So I'm actually feeling very relieved about that. I feel for you ladies that go through test after test and they keep telling you there's nothing wrong when you know there is! I know what that's like, just not with IF! I just have a very strong feeling that best case scenario the HSG took care of any issues, or worst case scenario I'll need surgery. I just know that I know that I know (as my MIL says) that surgery is the farthest I will have to go in my IF journey. If at all!
But for the past 14 months, outside influences and myself have been filling my head with positives to my IF.
What are they?:
Everyone in my family started having kids when they were in their teens, and I can see how people look at DH and I and almost envy our freedom. Last summer, we were sitting around our house bored and just decided to go to Atlantic City and just went, that very night.
I just bought DH a new Harley b/c last year his motorcycle got stolen. No birthday or anniversary, just because.
I'm making plans to start my own cake decorating business, this is both for a baby and for my IF, it keeps me busy, and it's something I can do when I have a baby and still be home.
I'm planning another trip to Paris and hope to plan one soon to Sweden (DH's "homeland" if you will)
These hard times really are giving DH and I a chance to learn how we can get through things together and do very well!
I'm starting to understand just how lucky I am to have the in-laws that I have. Just how wonderful they are, how much they love me, how much I love them, and how they truly understand what I'm going through.
So what I'm trying to say is that, before my intuition kicked in (or before I started listening to it) I was coming to grips with the fact that it may take me a while to have a baby and I was planning my life around this. The whole time thinking that if I did get pregnant I'd interrupt EVERYTHING and re-plan again. But now I'm not so sure!
I started to think less about my IF and started to get excited about the plans that I was making. Though I know I want to have a baby more than anything, I'm all of a sudden hesitant. It's kind of hard to verbalize with out sounding like I've changed my mind, I haven't.
I have an education, I have traveled the world (well ok Paris and Puerto Rico), I'm very happily married, and I'm leaving a career that I thought I wanted and didn't and starting something that I've had a passion for my whole life. I've even been a rock star! Ok, so I was in a local cover band that played in bars around home and quit because I had my fill of the rock star life ;0) But it still counts!
My point is that I truly am ahead of the game but there is still so much I want to do.
And it's very possible that I understand what a huge responsibility parenthood is (and that's a great thing) and I'm just getting nervous for nothing. I actually tend to do that alot! And who says that my plans have to stop. Last year when we got pregnant, it was unexpected but VERY welcomed, but we weren't prepared and got it together VERY FAST!! before we knew it we had a college fund, I went from full time to part time, and we were no longer having weekly shopping sprees at American Eagle. Since the MC we've kept that way of life assuming that we were going to get pregnant again. We just added more plans. That's when i decided I wanted to do the 1/2 SAHM thing. Have my cake business and a baby too!
But now I'm almost freaking out, now that there is hope, that I won't be able to do anything I wanted. But I still want a baby more than anything. there's definately no question in DH's mind about what to do, through all the plans he wants a baby more than more. WHAT DO I DO? And is this normal? So confused...