feeling pretty low and angry!
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|Tue, 08-19-2008 - 6:55pm|
so I had my RE appt today and what a nightmare it was! First of all, let me start by saying that I live around "one of the best medical centers in the country" I posiTUTEly disagree for this reason: when I MC last year, I went into that ER and told them that I was 16 weeks and I was bleeding and cramping VERY badly (contractions) I sat there for 4 HOURS!!!! bleeding all over myself, on the floor on all fours to ease the pain, before DH flipped out and rushed me to another hospital where they treated my MC with the seriousness that it deserved! With that said, I find myself back there b/c DH has gotten a new job since then and his insurance will only cover THIS RE. OH and it's a teaching hospital. GAAAAAAA! So when I get there they inform me that I'm going to need an in utero ultra sound and a pelvic, I told them that I don't think that such a good idea b/c I have a feeling I"m preggers. I told them that I wanted to discuss my HSG since I had tons of questions and see what my steps were after that. They say NO, let's have you take a urine preg test. Tried as I could, I told them I still had 1 week and 3/4 to wait before I was going to POAS. (thinking, I haven't physed myself up for a BFN) and yup you guessed it... BFN. Well needless to say I was devastated and crying hysterically (that poor resident). ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS, because my PCP and RE are in different counties I have to RE-TEST for alot of things that I JUST tested for. I mean really, how hard is it to call the PCP and get them to fax over the same things. I tell the RE this and she says, "well I want to see it for myself". I'm thinking, you're seeing it right there in my chart, the results from my progesterone test, DH's SA, and my HSG. Still not good enough. On the bright side, I harnessed the power of my pretty rude neighbor (b/c I myself have a hard time doing so) and was very clear about not having another HSG, I told it was simply too painful to do again a month later. So she settled for me going to pick up the films from the hospital and bringing them to her, which is something that I volunteered to do BEFORE I went there and she told me it wasn't necessary. So I'm done with her and I go down stairs for yet ANOTHER progesterone test. while I'm waiting I HAD to flip through an old People Magazine and what do I see? THE MAN THAT'S PREGNANT, you've heard that story, the man that was born a woman, lives as a man and is pregnant. Again, I start crying hysterically, b/c this is a man that was born a woman, then starts taking TESTOSTERONE to become a man and he can get pregnant just like that. I, on the other hand, am fine being a woman, never had the desire to be a man, and yet, here I am, IF. I'm just so frustrated, I simply wasn't ready for a BFN, I was banking on that 2ww, and I feel like they forced me to do something I just wasn't ready to do. ON TOP OF THAT, I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, telling poor Melinda just this morning (in much the same situation) to keep her head up. Yet, I can't listen to my own advise. Maybe if I POAS as scheduled, the result will be different, but that hope is gone now, they've literally taken that from me in one foul swoop.
I do feel blessed, however, that first of all I have the MIL that I have. I'm going over there now b/c she offers me so much comfort. And secondly, this RE is not pushing for IVF. I made it clear that I wanted that to be our last ditch effort, and she completely agreed. I read about some of you ladies whose RE's want to go straight for the IVF to pocket the $12,000. That's not fair and it very much saddens me.
I just thought I'd end the bad with some good. I still don't feel good, but I have to count my blessings!