Pretending to know... a vent about dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Pretending to know... a vent about dad
10
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 9:38am

Well first of all, let me say I POAS this morning and it's semi-official, it's a BFN. I'm still weary b/c I'm due for AF on thursday and around this time I start to get PMSie with quick cramps and headaches, but none of that is happening. But I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Maybe this just means I'm going to have a nice, easy AF.


Now on to what I figured out. My mom and dad are divorced and are both married to other people. Like I said before, my mom seems to be in a sort of denial about it, but doesn't pretend to know what I'm going through, which I actually very much appreciate. Not to be rude or anything, but her denial is her problem, I'm not in denial at all. In her realizing that she has no idea how tough this is, she doesn't try to PUSH me to feel better about my situation. With that being said, I made a trip over to my dad's house this weekend (while DH was at work). I really was hoping it was just going to be the three of us (dad, me, and step-mom) but I didn't know that my step-aunt was going to be there. I just wasn't into the whole "people" thing lately. Luckily, I really love her and her kids (she has 3 really great , really well-behaved children). Well my step-mom says to her sister, hey save your baby stuff, and points at me. I'm thinking OMG, no no no no no, don't do this to me. Step-Aunt looks at me (with glee) and says, OMG are you pregnant!!! At this point things are happening in slow motion and I'm panicked trying to think of SOMETHING to say. And I shake my head no, holding back the tears, and say not yet. MY STEP-MOM takes this another step further and says, "well, tell her what's going on".


NOW, let me just say, step-mom and I actually have a really close relationship, she's been such a great step-mom for the past 10 years. What's more important is she has never wanted any biological children of her own (VERY career oriented) and was DELIGHTED to find a man (my dad) with so many kids, she was more than happy just to be a step-mom. So, yes, as much as I love her, my step-mom has a tendency to be a bit flighty. And I'm POSITIVE that she meant nothing by it. Bet your bottom dollar she thought, "well it's just my sister, we're all family here". When the truth is I wanted to tell "out-side family" in my own time. So I was a bit irritated, but wasn't angry. This IS NOT where the story ends.


So I gently tell step-aunt that since DH and I's MC last year (which she knew about) we were having issues TTC, and I give her my Dx. She actually was very cool about it, and just says that she's sorry to hear that and that she has a girlfriend that went through the same thing and knew that it's tough. For me, that was the perfect response, she didn't give me her friends "success story", she didn't tell me "it'll happen" and she DIDN'T say "just relax". She doesn't say this, but my father does.


My dad starts to tell step-aunt (as if I'm not in the room) that "she just needs to RELAX", " she comes from fertile stock and it's her stressing about not being pregnant that is keeping her from being pregnant". Whistles and sirens are going off in my head, and steam is coming out of my ears! I'm obviously trying to hold back my anger when I tell him that my "fertile stock" doesn't much matter, b/c I have issues that are known. I tell him that stress didn't block my falopian tube and make my progesterone levels slightly below average. He then goes on to tell me the story of Job, who was afraid his children would die and they did. Prefacing this he says, he didn't want to quote the Bible to me b/c I know it better than he does, and I do. I explain to him that Job has nothing to do with me b/c I'm not convincing myself that it's NEVER going to happen, Job Convinced himself that his children were going to die. I'm so angry at this point that I completely forget my better judgement (I try not to explain to people how tough it is, b/c it's really beating my head against the wall) and tell him that after 15 months it does get frustrating, especially b/c everyone in my family is so fertile, and that every now and again, I WONDER if it's ever going to happen. I think we've all been there. I've never out-right said to ANYONE that I thought it was never going to happen, b/c I don't. I know God will bless me when it's time, but it's very easy to loose sight of that.  I go on to tell him that I know he can't fully understand what I'm going through and how hard it is, but he just has to trust that it is as hard as I say it is. This is where things take a turn for the worst.


He says that, no I'm just making it harder on myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure it's written all over my face that I-AM-PISSED! He says, " you don't think I understand?" I told him, no, you don't understand. He beings to tell me a DOWN-RIGHT LIE about how my older sister's mother was infertile. Now it is a WELL-KNOWN fact that my older sister was a surprise. Her mom had a daughter before her and she wanted to be done with one. So when she got with my dad, she was on hard core birth control and STILL had my sister. I couldn't believe this, my father is stooping to LYING to be right. Not to make me feel better, but to be RIGHT. I know this b/c he yelling at me at this point, bullying me to be in denial with my IF. I outwardly ignore this little tid-bit b/c I know it's a lie and I just don't have the heart to call him out on it (I know I'm a weiny). I tell  him "dad, IF is a really complex emotional ride b/c it's not just dealing with the tests and TTC, it's wondering WHY?? And the WHY is the thing you won't get the answer to." HE SAYS, "you're not IF" he says, "you want to know a secret, someone told me when I was younger that I would never have children" ANOTHER LIE! I quickly squash that one by saying " but you did. You had  5 girls, no problem! And BTW I am IF, and I'm not in denial about it, I'm not about to make that ANOTHER one of my problems" He says that no I'm not IF but I am in denial about the fact that I'm convinved that it will never happen for me. get this: he's actually trying to convince me that I'm convinced that I'm telling myself it will never happen!!!!!!!!!!!!! Confused? I was. I re-iterate that I NEVER said I'm SURE it's not in the cards for me. I know deep in my heart of hearts that being a mommy is definately an experience God is going to bless me. It just gets frustrating with all this waiting and wondering. And I make the mistake of tell him about how MIL waited 4 years in between her babies and had the same feelings as me.


Before I go on, let me say that my dad is down right jealous of MIL. The truth is that they come from a bit of money and what's more important is they VERY much love me and were very on board when DH told them he wanted to marry me. After my wedding, my dad was taking stabs at MIL (b/c she insisted on paying for almost the whole thing) saying that it was her way or no way. When in reality, my father was trying to change things to differ from what I wanted and MIL was stopping him and MAKING sure that my wedding was what I wanted, not what my dad wanted. It got worse when my dad took the liberty of inviting his cousins 7 year old grand daughter to the wedding, when we had expressed we did not want children there, and when MIL sister came from Texas with her 4 kids and STILL found a sitter b/c she was respecting our wishes only to see that there was a kid there and was UNDERSTANDABLY upset. My dad told me to tell my in-laws to f*** off!!! I was actually married before (I was 18 he was 32) to an abusive man with an emotionally abusive family that LOVED to beat me down with their words. I told my dad how could he say such a thing when he knows how bad I had it before with my last in-laws. I told him that I thought they were right to be upset and that I thought he at least he owed me an apology for going against my wishes and making me look like a liar in front my new family. Of course he refused making some remark about their family money. So it all comes down to his jealousy of their money.


So the moment MIL's name comes out of my mouth, I wince. KNOWING what's coming. He goes off on a hysterical tangent about how SHE'S the one that's putting this garbage in my head and that he should call her and tell her about herself. I grab my stuff and say, "ya know what, dad, she's the ONLY person I have right now that knows EXACTLY what I'm going through, and doesn't PRETEND to know. At least she doesn't bully me in trying to see things her way, when I'M the one going through this" In tears, and half hyperventilating, I storm out muttering (loud enough for him to hear) about how I'm 23 years old and can think for myself and don't need MIL or HIM in particular to TELL me how to deal.


I know I made the mistake of trying to explain how hard this was, but what 52 year old man makes up lies to be right? It would have been WAY different if he just said, "ya know I have no clue what you're going through, but I'm here if you want to vent or just need to cry." I just don't understand what gives people the right to pretend to know what we're going through with their little anecdotes  and "words of wisdom".

wedding2-1.jpg picture by Sbaltozer


 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2008
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 10:50am

OMG - how frustrating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 12:39pm

Roman,


I'm so sorry.

Isabel
Mom to Sebastian Robert after 3+ years of infertility

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 1:59pm

Hi roman,


I am sorry you had to go through that fight with your dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 4:42pm

(((HUGS)))


Roman all of this can be so frustrating!!!

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 8:30pm

Roman,


I totally, totally feel for you. I would be super angry too. You know, you are a really good writer - you express yourself so well in writing - maybe you could write your dad a letter or e-mail? Judging by your long posts, it seems writing is cathartic for you....just a thought! I hope you feel a little better right now. I am thinking of you!


TTC a little over a year; Dx: Suspected hormonal imbalance, short luteal phase. But mostly unexplained. DH is normal. IUI #1 with 100mg Clomid, progesterone suppositories
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 9:25pm
thank you ladies so much for your support! I am very much trying to understand that my dad was trying to be empathetic but just not in the most eloquent way. I do feel sometimes that he's more concerned with being right than he does about just being here for me. Unfortunately for me, my father is a love it or leave it kinda guy. I think you all are right, I just have to avoid the subject all together with him b/c there's just no talking to him. I can't sugarcoat it, I am still wreathing from the other day. I am, however, attempting to find solace in other things that either make me feel better or take my mind off IF all together. MIL, baking, reading a book, and of course all of you. I know I can always come here and get support and words of wisdom from women who know exactly what it's like. Thank you, ladies!

wedding2-1.jpg picture by Sbaltozer


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Tue, 08-26-2008 - 7:26pm

*hugs* Roman, *hugs* That's all I can offer you right now. Just know that we're here to listen anytime.


Erin

Erin & Ryan Sig
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 11:29pm

Oh Roman... how awful for you...!

Mom to Silas Walker, born July 2009, thanks to IVF. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 11:42am

Thank you KJ!


I actually found an article online on how families can help support a family member with IF. My dad, didn't think he did anything wrong, and basically said the article I sent him was bull. I said well, look, it hit it right on the money for me, and it's exactly what I need emotionally from him. And told him if he can't be down with that, it's just not going to be something that DH and I share with him. And of course he got offended and said that he at least deserves that. I told him that this was my journey and I'm telling you exactly what I need from you, and you're refusing. I told him that I can't be around negativity right now, and that if he can't

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 11:14pm

Roman -


I give you a lot of credit for confronting your dad head-on about his attitude, and standing your ground about what you need, and that you have the right to ask for it and require it, or take a break from him.

Mom to Silas Walker, born July 2009, thanks to IVF. :)