I did really great Yesterday!
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|Thu, 09-04-2008 - 10:04am|
Good Morning Ladies!
Well I was dying to talk to you all day yesterday but I was at the hospital from 7am to midnight. Why? at 6:30 my sister called to tell me her water broke. I jumped out of bed and FLEW to the hospital.
All day I was really doing great, I didn't forget about how jealous I was or about my own IF, but it didn't bother me. My Godson was coming and I was too excited. I did hit a few snags though.
My sister's MIL was EXTREMELY annoying through the whole day. She kept hounding DH and I about "not being in much of a hurry." Really, I didn't know this woman, and from what I do know about her, I just don't like her. . Ex, my sister and her boyfriend were living with her, and when they were planning the baby shower and my sister wanted to invite her boyfriend's father (her ex-husband) and she didn't like that so she kicked them out. As if it was about her and not my sister. So I knew right from the get go that I was going to be twice the mother that she was and I really could've cared less about what she had to say. It felt good though to plot with my sisters hypothetically telling her off.
A few hours later, my sister was fully dialated and the midwife was in there explaining how to push and that sort of thing, all of a sudden I felt really short of breath and gittery. I quietly excused myself and rushed to lock myself in my car. I just let loose in my car, crying and trying to catch my breath. I really got DEEP into myself and let myself really feel what I was feeling, I didn't hold back. What I discovered was, yes I was sad it wasn't me, and was infinately jealous, but I was mostly upset that I was being so "selfish". I was really angry with myself that my baby sister is in their having a baby and all I can think about is myself? Seriously, I thought, what would MIL say to me right now? And I realized that she would tell me that it's OK to feel upset and jealous, this was a process I should've gone through in march of last year, and didn't. And then should've come easy after that, and it didn't. I realized that it wasn't about my sister, it was about the process OVERALL. And that I wasn't selfish, I was doing what I needed to do to be emotionally there for my sister. So I wouldn't be inside my own head. That and it was 10pm and I'd been in the hospital since 7am and was probably a bit cranky. My mom came out and was asking if I was ok, and I was like yeah, it was just really stuffy in that room and I had to get some air. HA, she looked at me and said, "Rome, the air can't be all that great in your car. It's ok" And I lost it again, and said how I just felt so selfish, she said, "you're not selfish, you're here, no one would've blamed you if you didn't. So your being very selfless for your sister". she said she knows that I'm not angry with my sister, I'm just sad for myself and there's a HUGE difference. I told her that I was just so embarrassed, and my mom said something that just sums her up perfectly, "#$%&* them people! They don't need to understand" I though, yeah, anyway!
But that was it, a total of MAYBE 1/2 hour of being bummed and then I was fine. I really was fine all day, excited and boucing around, but when my heart started aching, I just let it. I didn't fight my feelings and then I was fine again b/c I knew that what I was feeling was normal and had nothing to do with my sister or my nephew/godson. And just as I predicted, as soon as he arrived here, all those feelings of jealousy melted away. I fell in love!!! All in all, I realized that when I look at pregnant women or mommies that I don't know, those feelings of almost anger and resentment are for the PROCESS that I'm not going through. I feel resentment towards those women b/c I don't know them and I just put their face on the process that I want to be mine. With my sister, I'll always love her and and i've known her for more than just being pregnant and new mommie. My sister and the process, are two completely different things! And now that he's here my love for him totally overwhelms my jealousy. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but the point is, I'm definately relieved that her pregnancy is over and now I can focus on my nephew/godson and not have to worry about looking at my sister's baby belly anymore!