I think TTC is over
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|Thu, 09-04-2008 - 3:53pm|
We saw Dr. P today. He usually walks in with a cheery face, saying hello, etc... This time he walked in looking totally puzzled - not at all his normal self. He sat down and asked what has been happening. I told him about the last few days (pain, then worse pain, then percocet, then percocet not working, then ER...). After lots of "hmm's" and sighs, he said, "Karen, its most likely adhesions and a reccurance of endometriosis." He mentioned an MRI, but said if the CT didn't show anything (no mass, no endometrioma on an ovary, etc..), chances are it would be a very expensive test that wouldn't show anything. He also mentioned Lupron, but at this point, its counter-active and would just set me back, so there's really no point in doing that. He doesn't want to take me back into surgery since I had such a a big one 6 months ago (6 months today, go figure). But if this is whats going, then he'll probably have to...most likely starting laparoscopically in my upper left quardron (since my abdomen is so frickin' messed up)...IF he can see well enough to do anything about it, then he will. But chances are, he'd have to open me up and do a laparotomy (3rd in 5 yrs). He told me that we could go ahead with this cycle and if it doesn't work, try switching to Femara next cycle. Although when I questioned him about the suppression of estrogen and my concern over my low level last cycle, he said, "We'll have to find ways to work around that." Great. Anyway, he made some comment like, "I would love to see you get pregnant..." but then didn't finish. I knew what he meant. I told him I am at this emotional crossrsoad of wondering if all of this is really worth it. He told me that was a very valid feeling and I had every right to feel that way. So, for right now, he is calling Dr. S (the guy who headed up my surgery in PA) to get his opinion, then he'll let me know. I see him next Friday for an u/s to check follies. I suppose we'll talk more then.
After he left the room, I broke down in tears. B & I got into the car and I said, "So basically what I heard was that I'll need surgery and that we should probably just stop trying." He told me he didn't know what to say. I asked again if he could confirm what I heard, and he said, "Yeah. I guess I had to hear it for myself to know we're making the right choice." OH God, thats when I really lost it. To know that HE knows we should stop.
(sorry - crying)
I don't know what to do. I feel like the dream of having our own child just officially got ripped out of me. I have wanted to adopt for a long time now, and I know we'll be parents. But its knowing that we probably won't ever have one of our own that just breaks my heart into pieces.
I have to go. Just wanted to give you the update.