when can it be my turn??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
when can it be my turn??
13
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 3:22pm

i am so broken-hearted that this cycle didn't work. i feel like i've been in hell for 2 yrs, with no hope of getting out. every time, i think "this was supposed to work". and yet, it never does. i am so angry that my body will not do what it's supposed to do. there are pg women all around me, and i wonder how they were able to do the impossible.

we started our treatment b/c of MFI. after finally coming to terms with the loss of no hope of success w/ DH's sperm, we finally had some hope again (with donor sperm). at first i felt that we were cheating by using DS, but after the IVF cycle didn't work, i immediately decided that it's not cheating. but i felt cheated. the deal was exchanging the use of DH's sperm for getting a BFP! well, now we have a failed IVF cycle and a failed IUI cycle with DS under our belts, and no BFP in sight. loss after loss after loss is too much. every time i feel like i can't get any sadder, and i manage to do the impossible.

this was supposed to work. we weren't even in treatment for my issues, and now here we are. it's all on me now. when can it be my turn??

thanks for listening, ladies. i appreciate all your support. i've just been staring at the board for hours, unable to say much, but getting comfort just by knowing you're all there. i know that we ALL deserve this to be our turn now. i don't know how i'm going to move on, and yet i will. tomorrow we go back to RE for baseline u/s and if all's well, jump into another IUI cycle. hopefully it won't be more bad news.

ana


TTC since Sept '06
Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07, FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days. 2nd cycle: Clomid (200mg CD5-9), IUI 9/9, AF 9/24

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 3:46pm
(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) I am so sorry. This sucks I know. None of us deserve this. I feel exactly the same way. It also makes me angry that women who don't even want babies can get pregnant. You are a strong person, we are all strong people for being able to go through what we do. We are always here for you and I will be thinking of you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 4:17pm

(((((((((HUGS))))))))


Ana, as you said we all deserve our BFPs for some reason this is happening to us.

  

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 4:30pm
thanks, susan. it's really powerful to be able to share with other, educate each other. i, too, find it important to help others. when we made the decision to use DS, i vowed to donate blood after this is all over. it's nowhere near equivalent, but nice to help.

ana


TTC since Sept '06
Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07, FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days. 2nd cycle: Clomid (200mg CD5-9), IUI 9/9, AF 9/24

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 4:31pm
thanks. we're all so strong for bearing the unbearable. i see so many teenagers with babies in my neighborhood, and it always feels so unfair. but this is unfair. and i know that you, and unfortunately many of the women here, know just how i feel.

ana


TTC since Sept '06
Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07, FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days. 2nd cycle: Clomid (200mg CD5-9), IUI 9/9, AF 9/24

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 6:15pm

((((((((hugs))))))))) Ana,


I know this is unfair, and I am so sorry that you are hurting.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 6:38pm

*hugs* ana. It's so tough to get AF after a new treatment when you feel so hopeful. Hang in there. Maybe that DS wasn't the right one! You're baby's in the next DS!


*hugs*


Erin & Ryan Sig
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 6:47pm
thanks so much, jessica. my MIL actually put it well when she was telling me about how my marriage has gotten even stronger through test after test, and finally she said "you've been tested enough". we all have been. and thank you for sharing that poem. even though i want to quit, i can't.

ana


TTC since Sept '06
Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07, FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days. 2nd cycle: Clomid (200mg CD5-9), IUI 9/9, AF 9/24

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 6:48pm
thanks, erin. it's hard to believe it can ever happen, but need to get back to thinking that it still can. how are you feeling? any better?

ana


TTC since Sept '06
Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07, FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days. 2nd cycle: Clomid (200mg CD5-9), IUI 9/9, AF 9/24

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 7:16pm
Ana, I'm so sorry this cycle wasn't it for you......I pray every night for all the ladies on here.....I would love to see every single one of us get our BFP......I just wanted to say that your not alone.....I know, I feel like you do every single time AF shows up......I'm glad we have this board for support!!!!!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 7:58pm

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