Upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Upset
38
Fri, 11-28-2008 - 6:18pm

I’m feeling so upset right now and confused and hurt.  My family has been mostly supportive in us TTC.  But I feel like a lot of the time either they don’t know what to say or else they just don’t care.   And although I’m pretty sure it’s the first, I can’t help but feel that our TTC/IF is unimportant to our family.  My mom was leaving to go on a cruise last week.  DH and I hadn’t told anyone that we got a BFP and I didn’t want to worry my mom before her vacation, but she ended up calling soon after I got the 1st beta and I was feeling upset and just felt that this BFP wasn’t sticking.  She ended up realizing that I was upset, so I told her what was going on…I figured we could use some extra prayers.  I told her that I didn’t want to ruin any part of her trip by having her worry…she told me that she was sorry, didn’t know what to say and wished she were there to give me a big hug.  When she came back, DH talked to her, she talked about her trip and didn’t ask anything about what was going on…I just assumed she was waiting to talk to me. 


 


In the meantime, I spoke to my sister about the BFP and 1st beta since she went through IF.  I told her how upset I was that we could be losing another pregnancy almost exactly to the date of finding out about the BFP of the baby we lost last year.  She pretty much just told me well I remember going through it and proceeded to again tell me that she went through it for 4 ½ years.  It’s like she always seems to feel like she has to remind me that she went through IF longer than I have been going through it.  I felt like saying well I know you had one miscarriage but have you ever lost a second on the anniversary of the first one??  But I didn’t say that.  I told her I was going in for the 2nd beta 2 days later and she said well even if it does go up you’ll still be worrying that it didn’t go up enough.  I’m never quite sure when I talk to her if she thinks she’s saying things that are going to make me feel better or if in a way it’s her way of saying that I haven’t experienced the pain she has.  Sometimes DH thinks that she just may be feeling weird that she has a son because of my egg donation to her and just doesn’t know how I feel about it or that I might be upset about it.  But I know she’s discussed with me that she felt bad because maybe she took the eggs I needed or my chance, but I told her that I don’t feel that way and I never would.  And truthfully I don’t feel that way, I’ve never asked for any recognition from her about it, but it just hurts that she’s not more supportive because of it…Is that wrong to think that?? 


 


DH and I decided to have our own Thanksgiving at home so we could just relax with each other and not have to act a certain way around other family members who don’t know about us TTC.  I called my sister to tell her that we weren’t going to come to her house.  She asked if it was because of my nephew…of course that wasn’t the reason…out of anyone he was the one I missed not seeing on Thanksgiving. 


 


So the reason I’m so upset now is that I just got a call from mom again…she called Thanksgiving morning also.  Both calls…she didn’t ask one word about how we were doing, how the next blood test went, etc.  I also haven’t got any call from my sister since…so my mom and my sister have no idea that we did indeed lose this pregnancy as well and neither of them seems to care enough to ask.  It hurts because I guess they’re just assuming that we did lose it.  They probably don’t want to have to feel awkward bringing it up. 


 


I’m not trying to make my family out to be unsupportive but sometimes I feel that way.  I know this is probably just my emotions making it this way.  I don’t feel like I can just call them up and tell them this or tell them that we did lose this pregnancy as well…I guess it makes me feel then if I’m the one bringing it up then it wasn’t them who cared to ask.  I know DH gets upset too and says that he can’t make anyone say or ask anything.


 


Thanks for listening…I didn’t know who else to talk to right now.  Am I just acting way too emotional and expecting too much from family??  I guess I just need to feel like it’s important to them as well or feel like they care enough about us to see how we’re doing.  :/

 


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ME (28), DH (29)  TTC #1 since March 2006. Dx: PCOS variant
3/06 to 3/07 TTC on own; 4/07: Clomid 50mg-O,BFN; 5/07: Clomid 50mg-O,BFN; 6/07: Clomid 50mg & Metformin-O,BFN; 7/07: 1st RE appt; 8/07: IUI #1-Femara(3-7) & Ovidrel-BFN; 9/07: IUI #2-Femara(3-7) & Ovidrel-BFN; 10/07: IUI #3-Femara(3-7)& Ovidrel-BFP!  12/14/07-Woke up @ 3am to miscarriage @7w0d.  Testing revealed chromosomally normal girl. Forced break until 3/08: IUI #4-Femara(3-7) with Follistim boosting 75 units(6,8,9) & Ovidrel-BFN; BCPx2wks to treat resulting cyst; 4/08: IUI #5 with only Follistim 75(3-7), more than 4 follicles on u/s, converted to IVF #1, 7 of 10 fertilized with ICSI, 2 transferred-BFN; 6/08: IUI #6-Femara(3-7) with Follistim alternating 50 & 75 units(3-7) & Ovidrel-BFN; 7/08 thru 9/08: IVF #2 with BCP, Lupron, Follistim 50 am/pm, ER-10 eggs, 5 out of 5 fertilized ICSI, 3 out of 5 fertilized standard, 2 transferred-BFN; 10/08: IUI #7-Femara(3-5 only), Follistim 50 units (6-11), 3 to 4 dominant follicles on u/s, Dr. wanted to cxl cycle due to chance of multiples but we continued on-BFP!  Betas went down :( 
Where we are now: IUI #8-Femara (3-5 only) & Follistim (6,7,8) with Metformin, u/s & E2 on 12/02.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Fri, 11-28-2008 - 10:26pm

(((HUGS))) There is just no easy answer to all of this.

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Fri, 11-28-2008 - 11:55pm

Thank you Susan...I too hope that if I am blessed to have a child one day that I can


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 1:48am
((((HUGS)))) Grace.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 3:04am
( ( ( ( H U G S ) ) ) ) Grace. I'm sorry about your family. Jess and Susan gave great advice. I wish I had some too, but I can give you support. It's late, I'm tired and my brain is on sleep mode now. We too had our own Thanksgiving with my mom and son coming up. We went to DH's family today. I was a little afraid because I thought DH's pregnant sister would be there and I didn't know how I would react, but she wasn't there. Relief for me but I feel guilty. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Remember, we are always here for you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 9:24am

This GC was my parents 3rd.

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 1:51pm

Jessica, you guys always know what to say to help me feel better.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 2:00pm

Suzi,


I appreciate you writing me a message even in your sleepy mode…that’s so sweet of you!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 2:15pm

Susan, not a problem, I followed it and I enjoy hearing your stories! :)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 3:01pm

hi grace,

your mom reminds me of mine. finally when i was ready, i told my parents all about the ivf treatment, etc. after the 1st ivf failed, they didn't know what to say and when we saw them for thanksgiving a month later, they acted like it never even happened. i find that telling people, particularly those close to you, makes you so vulnerable since what you expect in return is some basic support, but most often they don't know how or can't do this. my therapist thinks this is b/c fertility is tied to sex and identity and womanhood, and people are uncomfortable enough thinking about all this that they take it out on you. our therapist encouraged us to "close the bedroom door". in other words, when a fertile couple is TTC, most people don't know about the details, etc. we started this process being totally open and honest about it, but after so many failures and feeling so vulnerable that most of my family couldn't support me in a meaningful way, we pretty much stopped talking about it to protect ourselves. of course, i thought that would change w/ the news of the BFP, but in all the conversations i've had with my mom, she's only asked once how i've been feeling, quickly said "oh that's not bad", and made a remark about me eating salt and vinegar potato chips once in a while for nausea (guess why i have food issues?). anyway, i guess what i'm trying to say is that we've learned to protect ourselves a little bit better, and know who we can count on for support. but it still hurts. sending lots of hugs your way...

ana


TTC since Sept '06. Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07. IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze). IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07 (w/ fresh TESA), FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer). IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42). 1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days.

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
In reply to: grace1107
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 3:16pm

I would be happy to hear the story if you want to share.


As for my brother he used to try to give us advice on how to get pregnant, which cracks me up because he had no idea they were TTC.

  

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