5th miscarriage. Hurting.
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|Sun, 12-28-2008 - 11:48pm|
I've been trying to find a place where people know what I've been through to help me get through the pain of our 5th miscarriage. I'm a 35 year old man and I want to be a dad. I've tried going on sites for men but there are too few out there and even fewer guys (none that I could actually find) who have gone through this.
My wife and I have been married almost 5 years. We tried having children in our first year of marriage and had 4 miscarriages. There was no known cause then. Nobody had answers. Nobody followed up with us. After the 4th one which got the furthest, we decided to take a break from life and have fun. We did some amazing things and felt like we got out the things we needed to do to be fulfilled before trying again. One year ago we started trying again. We had no luck getting pregnant this time. We struggled trying to get a decent OB (which we still don't have thanks to wonderful HMOs) and people who would take us seriously. We finally convinced an OB to give us a referral to a fertility clinic. Armed with evidence we went to the appointment to get something done. The doctor asked us a few questions and we didn't even need to tell our story or show any evidence. He scheduled my wife for a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. My wife had the surgery where it was confirmed she has PCOS and they removed a uterine septum which the doctor later explained was probably the cause of our other miscarriages. We felt like we had answers and could finally move forward with confidence. They also tested both of us and I had problems with morphology and motility. We decided on going through with IUI. I was taking fertility vitamins and my wife was on certain meds too. Our first 2 cycles for IUI didn't get to the actual insemination. It was really hard and disappointing then. The first time estrogen levels weren't right. The second time my wife produced 15 eggs. Our third round with IUI finally happened but not without hitches. After a couple of blood tests we were able to go through with the injections. We had the insemination and got pregnant. At week 7 we went in for the first ultrasound. It was measuring a week behind and had no heartbeat. The doctor said he would check again a few days later but that it had probably died a few days earlier. The whole office was completely shocked for us. We thought the surgery, the medicines, and the procedures were going to get us our baby. We had to come to terms with that over the weekend which really hurt. A few days later we went in...and there was a heartbeat, though it was weak. It was so hard to believe. We went in expecting confirmation of another miscarriage. The baby still measured behind where it should be. The doctor was completely surprised. They scheduled us for another ultrasound the next week. With the weak heartbeat he said it will either be there or it won't next time. We had hope. We saw signs. We went in to our final appointment and there was no heartbeat. Ever since the second ultrasound I've been so confused. It's been a huge rollercoaster. The first time we thought the baby was gone we were able to accept it and move on. Now I don't even know how to say goodbye. I've been full of hurt and sadness and still confused. I know what I should do but not how to do it. My wife had the D&C a week ago. We know they're testing the tissue so even though there is no further chance for this baby it's still not a closed case either. I've just had such a hard time dealing with it. Nobody I know understands. We've got some people to support us but nobody has been through this. It hurts. I want to be happy again. I want to move on.