I feel lonely! ....longish

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
I feel lonely! ....longish
20
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 3:08pm

I'm sad and lonely. And yes I'm sure my hormones don't add to this at all. :)


My mom and I have a strange relationship. She is so extremely critical and sometimes I tell her what she's done is wrong and ask her not to do it and then she blows up even worse and is more hurtful. Well....we're coming out of one of those events. I emailed her last week saying I didn't want us to be mad anymore and blah blah blah. she responded saying nice email and we'd talk about my anger. (not anything about she was sorry for being so mean and rude, but "we'll talk about my anger." Yeah- who wouldn't be angry at their mom for saying what my mom said........and it makes me feel like she's back to teaching elementary aged kids ..."We'll talk about your anger." I hate it when she talks down to us bc she's very far from being "all-knowing" if you know what I mean. My old therapist thinks she is narsassistic. (sp?) and mind you she's the only reason I ever had a therapist) Well now she's got this mouth infection and it hurts but she still decorated for my cousins's wedding and was at the wedding speaking to people. I had to go say hello and goodbye and hug her but she didn't really even speak to me. And earlier in the day she dropped off our easter basket but didn't even ring bell or knock, just left it on front door. She's done this before and it just amazes me. So today she emails me asking to borrow something for a party she's having- oh yes a party in 2 weeks, and i say she can borrow it but lets all get together for dinner or go see a movie. She says she doesn't do much but watch tv bc of her mouth and says we can get together with my dad or just meet up with him to give me the pot. So to me this is blowing me off again. Talked to my dad and he said she's really not doing anything bc of the bad pain but I still think it's an excuse. If she can watch tv why can't she watch a movie with us.......I think it's just another excuse but how hurtful are her actions. Why doesn't she share in this wonderful time in our lives???  For once just take the light off yourself mom. She told me after my dad's b-day (Mar30) that she'd spend time on me and with me but then this happened....so I'm still waiting.  She's critical of everything I do....you wouldn't even believe it. I can't even talk to dh about this today or tomorrow bc he's got exams for his masters program and I don't want to distract him.


And lately I've thought about the fact I don't have a best friend, never really have. Have lots of good friends but no best friend that can really understand it all or is there all the time. I wish I had a sister or best friend now. That's why I so badly want to have 2 girls at some point so they'll have each other and be sisters. This is the same reasons DH wants brothers. It's like an instant best friend if they are close.


We've got a week at the beach in early June. I know that will be a wonderful time away from all of this. It's DH and I and 3 other couples. (some kids too)  It can't get here soon enough. DH has been so busy these last 8wks with this term in grad school. This next term should be easier but we both need a break away from my family and his school. AFter tomorrow he'll have a week and 2 days with no school! Thank goodness!


I'm tired of feeling lonely. And that's how I feel. Sorry to be such a downer when I know I should just be so thrilled with having the news we all wait so long for.....Please know I don't take the baby for granted,,,,,it's just a hard time right now. Lolly is one of the brightest things in my life right now. I know DH, Lolly and I will make our own wonderful family just the way we want it.
And that makes me happy. It's nice to  know we can shape it the way we want it.


Thanks for listening friends!

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Me-30, DH newly 34, diagnosed with PCOS in Nov/Dec 2008. 3 Failed cycles of Clomid. (50mg, 100mg, 150mg) Started working with RE Nov 26. Asked for & started MET 12/11/08. No insulin issues but think it will help! DH got great SA results. Started FEMARA (5mg, cd3-7) on 1/4. Started accupuncture 1/10/09. cd12 US- showed great big 17mm follie. Trigger shot 1/13/09 and O'd on 1/15/09. BFP on 1/25 and 1/26. Beta confirmed BFP on 1/26 and was 51. Beta 2 on 1/28 was 94. Beta 3 on 1/30 was 200. 


Blog-- http://kittyttc1.blogspot.com/ 


Chart--http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/23431e


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Me-30, DH newly 34, diagnosed with PCOS in Nov/Dec 2008. 3 Failed cycles of Clomid. (50mg, 100mg, 150mg) Started working with RE Nov 26. Asked for & started M

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 4:11pm

BIG HUGS Kitty!

I'm so sorry your mother is treating you this way and you feel so alone in all of this. But you know you've got us! We make great listeners and shoulders to cry on. I bet you could use a person IRL though. Have you thought about going back to counseling?

I hope your upcoming vacation and DH's break from school help make things get better. *****More hugs*****

Kelly


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2009
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 4:45pm

Oh Kitty...I'm so so sorry you're having a very difficult time with your mom.

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Faith (35) Matt (40)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 5:11pm

{{{HUGS}}} Kitty


It is so hard learning the awful truth that getting pregnant after sooo long trying does not magically make all other problems in your life go away.

Remembering o

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 5:47pm

Kitty,

I'm SO sorry your mom is being like that! Especially at this time of all times. This miracle should be bringing you two closer. I'm one of the lucky ones, my mom IS my best friend. My DH mom is very good at the guilt trips and very good about informing us of everything that is wrong in her life, while making sure she takes bigger paychecks out of the company that my DH is running (mind you by bigger I mean double his and all she does is pay bills and shuffle a couple papers, while having a full time job with the state that pays almost $3500 a month). So I know that he would be able to understand exactly what you're going through.

I think that maybe talking to a therapist again would be helpful. They always seem to be. As far as best friends go... I never had one until my mom and I got really close about two years ago. It's still hard not having someone detached, and un-opinionated about family issues to talk to. I had a best friend, and she went all schizo, but looking back she wasn't all that nice. It's rough I'll agree with ya there.

I hope that the vacation is good for you. My DH and I just spent a day at the beach and then went to a concert together, and it was the best day I'd had in a long time. So nice to get away. If it weren't for him I'd be way past crazy by now. He works from 9 or 10am to 9pm, so I understand what having a busy DH is like. He never stops... and it's Monday through Saturday so on Sunday he usually just want to veg out in front of the TV.

Anyway... know that we're all here for support! Even though we can't be there and be your bestie, we're still here. I'm glad that Lolly is doing splendidly! Keep your chin up!


Happily married to DH since March 15, 2008





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September 2008: Diagnosed with cervical cancer and HPV. Cells were removed in two spots via freezing, minor scar tissue. Gave up caffeine and smoking.

Cycle 1: No O

Cycle 2: No O

Cycle 3: No O

Cycle 4: O'd for the first time! Took prenatal, fish oil, calcium, acidophilus, EPO and B-6

Cycle 5: No O, same vitamins.

Cycle 6: O'd late due to stress. Just taking a prenatal this cycle. Also, V8 Splash mmm


Happily married to DH since March 15, 2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 10:12pm

Oh Kitty...your mom sounds like a real B***h, sorry.

TTC #2 (For #1: Did 5 failed rounds of clomid and 3 failed IUIs; conceived on own first month after stopping meds)

March-Oct 2008 (tried on own..all BFN

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 10:21pm

I'm sorry Kitty. I think we all have at least one person in our lives who has to turn everything around so that the focus remains on them. It's not an easy situation to handle, especially when it's Mom...the person who is supposed to be there no matter what and support us.

I can only tell you what DH and I do when we feel like our toxic family members are closing in...we focus on our little family. We try to remember that we're in this together, for good and for bad. I've reduced contact with people when they are just causing me more stress and anxiety. You need to look out for yourself - your physical and mental health, especially with Lolly on the way.

(((HUGS))) I'm sure every one of us will be here to be your best friend when you need us.

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Isabel
Mom to Sebastian Robert after 3+ years of infertility

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 10:22pm

Thanks Kelly.

Me-30, DH newly 34, diagnosed with PCOS in Nov/Dec 2008. 3 Failed cycles of Clomid. (50mg, 100mg, 150mg) Started working with RE Nov 26. Asked for & started M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 10:31pm

Faith- thanks for your words and writing me. It's so hard bc it's my mom and when I put distance to protect myself i feel more alone and hurt, esp during this time when it's such an exciting time in my life and she should be a part of it. Gosh it's a hard thing. And i get more and more upset the longer it goes on. It's been this back and forth thing for years and if I just ignore it she doesn't blow up but as soon as I stick up for myself and tell her otherwise she freaks out on me and it's worse.


Thanks for your support. I too couldn't have made it this far without my IF friends. They and you and truly amazing! What a bond we have. What a support system- I can't say enough. Thank you.


Kitty

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Me-30, DH newly 34, diagnosed with PCOS in Nov/Dec 2008. 3 Failed cycles of Clomid. (50mg, 100mg, 150mg) Started working with RE Nov 26. Asked for & started M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 10:34pm
Thanks for your support and words Reba. It means a lot. I will probably go back to my therapist as I went about

Me-30, DH newly 34, diagnosed with PCOS in Nov/Dec 2008. 3 Failed cycles of Clomid. (50mg, 100mg, 150mg) Started working with RE Nov 26. Asked for & started M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 10:37pm

Sam- you're so sweet. thanks for your words and support. It means a lot.


I'm sorry you have a piece of work MIL- fun isn't it. I will probably go back to my therapist. I hadn't been in years until about 4 wks ago and now it's about time again since the situation is still going on. I'll keep you posted.


Thanks again and i hope you get some good news soon!


Kitty

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Me-30, DH newly 34, diagnosed with PCOS in Nov/Dec 2008. 3 Failed cycles of Clomid. (50mg, 100mg, 150mg) Started working with RE Nov 26. Asked for & started M

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