I feel lonely! ....longish
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|Mon, 04-20-2009 - 3:08pm|
I'm sad and lonely. And yes I'm sure my hormones don't add to this at all. :)
My mom and I have a strange relationship. She is so extremely critical and sometimes I tell her what she's done is wrong and ask her not to do it and then she blows up even worse and is more hurtful. Well....we're coming out of one of those events. I emailed her last week saying I didn't want us to be mad anymore and blah blah blah. she responded saying nice email and we'd talk about my anger. (not anything about she was sorry for being so mean and rude, but "we'll talk about my anger." Yeah- who wouldn't be angry at their mom for saying what my mom said........and it makes me feel like she's back to teaching elementary aged kids ..."We'll talk about your anger." I hate it when she talks down to us bc she's very far from being "all-knowing" if you know what I mean. My old therapist thinks she is narsassistic. (sp?) and mind you she's the only reason I ever had a therapist) Well now she's got this mouth infection and it hurts but she still decorated for my cousins's wedding and was at the wedding speaking to people. I had to go say hello and goodbye and hug her but she didn't really even speak to me. And earlier in the day she dropped off our easter basket but didn't even ring bell or knock, just left it on front door. She's done this before and it just amazes me. So today she emails me asking to borrow something for a party she's having- oh yes a party in 2 weeks, and i say she can borrow it but lets all get together for dinner or go see a movie. She says she doesn't do much but watch tv bc of her mouth and says we can get together with my dad or just meet up with him to give me the pot. So to me this is blowing me off again. Talked to my dad and he said she's really not doing anything bc of the bad pain but I still think it's an excuse. If she can watch tv why can't she watch a movie with us.......I think it's just another excuse but how hurtful are her actions. Why doesn't she share in this wonderful time in our lives??? For once just take the light off yourself mom. She told me after my dad's b-day (Mar30) that she'd spend time on me and with me but then this happened....so I'm still waiting. She's critical of everything I do....you wouldn't even believe it. I can't even talk to dh about this today or tomorrow bc he's got exams for his masters program and I don't want to distract him.
And lately I've thought about the fact I don't have a best friend, never really have. Have lots of good friends but no best friend that can really understand it all or is there all the time. I wish I had a sister or best friend now. That's why I so badly want to have 2 girls at some point so they'll have each other and be sisters. This is the same reasons DH wants brothers. It's like an instant best friend if they are close.
We've got a week at the beach in early June. I know that will be a wonderful time away from all of this. It's DH and I and 3 other couples. (some kids too) It can't get here soon enough. DH has been so busy these last 8wks with this term in grad school. This next term should be easier but we both need a break away from my family and his school. AFter tomorrow he'll have a week and 2 days with no school! Thank goodness!
I'm tired of feeling lonely. And that's how I feel. Sorry to be such a downer when I know I should just be so thrilled with having the news we all wait so long for.....Please know I don't take the baby for granted,,,,,it's just a hard time right now. Lolly is one of the brightest things in my life right now. I know DH, Lolly and I will make our own wonderful family just the way we want it.
And that makes me happy. It's nice to know we can shape it the way we want it.
Thanks for listening friends!
Me-30, DH newly 34, diagnosed with PCOS in Nov/Dec 2008. 3 Failed cycles of Clomid. (50mg, 100mg, 150mg) Started working with RE Nov 26. Asked for & started MET 12/11/08. No insulin issues but think it will help! DH got great SA results. Started FEMARA (5mg, cd3-7) on 1/4. Started accupuncture 1/10/09. cd12 US- showed great big 17mm follie. Trigger shot 1/13/09 and O'd on 1/15/09. BFP on 1/25 and 1/26. Beta confirmed BFP on 1/26 and was 51. Beta 2 on 1/28 was 94. Beta 3 on 1/30 was 200.