DH was so angry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
DH was so angry!
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 1:05pm

My SIL is PG and due end of October.

Ok so it all started 2 weeks ago when I got an email from my BIL asking me questions and giving me lists for my SIL's baby shower and in the email he says basically he is assuming I am organizing it with my MIL or I should tell him otherwise. Hummm no one asked me to do this, but I guess Ill help out, I mean how can I say no, Ill look terrible right. And there is no one else to to it with MIL. I told DH (well vented a bit) and he didnt have much to say about it.

So fast forward to last night at my MIL's for dinner. SIL and husband left after we ate. As soon as they were gone MIL came in the room and brought up the shower. I told her we should pick a date, she picks 2 days after DH's birthday. Basically on his Birthday weekend. I pointed this out and she says well we can still celebrate both. Come on! What your son is less important and your daughter? Anyway I convince her to change the date to the weekend after. All the time we are discussing infront of DH and FIL watching TV. Then we talk about theam, food, location. So we go look at some stuff she already bought. When we get back DH is up and yelling he wants to go home and he wasnts to go NOW. He was acting cranky and loud. Not like him at all. So we go.

We get into the car and he starts venting about me having to help. He doesnt think it fair that I have to help with all the problems we are having and he is really upset that no one asked me if I wanted to help. I didnt have the option. They all assumed I was helping. I am sure having it almost on his birthday and his moms attitude about it didnt help either. Also he vented about the email from my BIL.

The last shower I went to I cried in the bathroom and had a melt down after. He knows how hard it is for me and hes the one that cleans up the mess after I fall apart. So now DH is taking upon himself to keep me stress free. He my little deflector. 

So now DH wants to bring it up to BIL next week when they go golfing and tell him the situation is not fair to me. I told him he should just leave it alone but he really wants to talk to him. 

Should I try to stop him or let him do what he feel he needs to do? 

Thanks for letting me vent!


 love husband blinkie  PhotobucketBaby Dust



DH 34 and me 36 We’ve been together 16 years married Sep 2004. TTC our first since Dec 2004.

Conceived using Provera and Clomid - MC April 03 2006

Conceived naturally surprise! - MC July 07 2008

Found out I have PCOS, MTHFR and Factor V Lieden so I will be a high risk pregnancy and have to inject myself every day with Fragmin.

God please just give me 1 healthy baby please!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 1:46pm

I do not blame your DH for being upset.

Leaving you out of the planning process would have been rude

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2009
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 2:57pm

First, how sweet of your DH to look out for you and not want you to have to deal with this! Good job DH.

I hate these type of situations, you are darned if you do and darned if you don't. If you bail out you feel guilty but if you help you end up feeling crushed. But in this situation I think it was rude of them not to consider your feelings and I think DH has every right to bring it up. Even if just to point out to them that this may not be an easy thing for you. They should've figured it out on their own but since they didn't I see nothing wrong with him cluing them in.

My DH did a similar thing, I was upset that no one in my family bothered to ever ask how I was doing after my last m/c. He let it slip to my stepfather and now they are much better about it. I think they just needed someone to make them realize that I needed support no matter how "okay" I seemed. Sounds like his family needs the same nudge.



I'm 38, DH is 42 and we are TTC #1. We've had 3 unexplained miscarriages and a bout with Asherman's Syndrome but we're determined.

BFP #4! - 1/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 4:51pm

I think you need to let him do what he feels he needs to do.

After struggling with infertility, we welcomed our son Noah on March 18, 2010! Formerly a teacher, I am now a breastfeeding, babywearing, stay at home Mom, and I couldn't love it any more!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2008
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 5:35pm

Hi Cynthia,

You are strong to even consider stepping up to do what everone else "expects" you too. IMO, they should have at the very least taken what you have been through into consideration and asked you. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are up against the 'well I am pregnant so isn't the whole world happy for me me me ME ME' mentality. I mean, obviously you want them to be happy and have healthy kids, etc- but you are only human and you are sad for yourselves and your losses. Planning a baby shower + being expected/assumed you would plan it + infertility = not a great idea.

C would have lost it and rushed out too over them trying to plan something like that on/close to his



Me 32, C 34. Toge

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 8:32pm
Cynthia, your DH is sweet for running interferance for you.

Mom to Sebastian Robert after 3+ years of infertility

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 11:17pm

Hi Nat

Your right I dont think she would have been too happy. She also had 2 MCs so her husband should have a clue. It really would have been nice to be asked. I dont like being taken for granted. Thank you for the support!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 11:26pm

Hi Kelly

Yeah, hes a sweetie. His whole view on it surprised me. Im lucky he is so supportive!

You are so right "you are darned if you do and darned if you don't." I wouldnt be seen as a very nice SIL if I didnt do

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 11:30pm

Hi Lauren

Your right, Im going to give him the green light. I shouldn't hold him back. The poor guy is so frustrated for me and there isnt anything he can do. Just be supportive and I know he wants to do more.

You were very brave to go. Your a strong woman. I just hope I dont fall apart at the shower. I wish I didnt have to go. Its going to be so hard. I got a BFN this evening and I feel the stress already starting.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 11:44pm

Hi Angela

"'well I am pregnant so isn't the whole world happy for me me me ME ME' mentality" YES! YES! YES! YES! OH MY GOD YES! She sits across me rubbing her belly and Ohhing

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 11:49pm

Oh Izzy that is so sweet. My White knight, your right! I am going to let him. I hope it goes well, Ill find out next week.

As crappy and disappointing as all this IF stuff is we are lucky to have such supportive guys!

Thank you so much!