Really need a miracle, a hug might do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Really need a miracle, a hug might do
15
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 8:40pm

I feel like I am really spiraling. I'm almost finished with my 2ww. I will test on Friday (blood test#, but I've already taken the POAS tests. I am embarrassed to admit how many. I had a egg donor transfer last Saturday. At first, I felt so bouncy and full of life. I was sure it was working / would work. Now, I don't feel confident at all and the test this morning was BFN.


I have had tears in my eyes all day. I said mean things to my DH... even blamed him that we waited so long to start trying. I told my Mom that if I don't have a baby I have no life -- that I can't live the way I have been feeling so empty. On top of infertility disappointment, I have severe endo that is so painful. I also have interstitial cystitis. So, I live in chronic pain. My doc talked to me about a hysterectomy, but I've held off waiting a baby. I've had three surgeries for my endo in less than 4 years.


For two years, most of my life has been spent doing very little. I rarely see my friends or go out. I work from a home office. I typically don't feel well enough to do much of anything and on top of the physical pain, of course I go into these cycles of depression.


I have been saying that as soon as I have a baby, I can have the hysterectomy and will feel better. BUT if this donor cycle doesn't work, we have 4 embies frozen. If that doesn't work, will we call it quits? How can I do that? How can I give up on my dream of a family? Yet how can I continue to live in this pain and keep trying? I'm running low on time, money, and optimism.


I sound so down and bitter. I hate being this way.


Almost everyone I know has a child and it has been so easy for them. Like snapping fingers or turning on a remote.


How can I lead a fuller life while trying? How can I lead a full life is I can't become a Mom? #DH will not adopt... it's something we agreed to years ago).  How can I keep my wits about me?


I feel broken.


Thanks for listening.


Has anyone gotten a negative pee test and then had a positive blood test? Does that ever happen?


Thanks for welcoming me here,


Elle


 

With my husband since 2000. TTC since 2004. I have endo and have had 3 laps. Also have IC. One miscarriage in 2008. Completed egg donor transfer in 8-09 and waiting for results. Holding breath!


I joined this board to find more people like me, to bond, to grow, to learn, and to share.

With my husband since 2000. TTC since 2004. I have endo and have had 3 laps. Also have IC. One miscarriage in 2008. Completed fresh egg donor transfer in 8-09 and it didn't work. Had a second transfer with frozen embies week of 9-20. I joined this boar

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2007
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 10:17pm

(((HUGS)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 1:05am

Elle,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so down and living in such pain. IF just sucks. There is no other word for it. I too have friends that get pregnant on the first shot, and it's not like I don't wish them happiness, but I just want some of it for myself as well. It's not fair!!!!

I really hope your HPT's are wrong. I have heard of many people not turning positive when they POAS but still getting a positive beta. I hope this is the case with you.

Good luck and keep us updated.

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Me- 31, DH- 31; TTC #1 since Nov. '07; No known FI issues; DH has borderline/low motility
IUI #1 on Apr. 25--BFN; IUI #2 on May 22-- BFN; IUI#3 on June 19--BFN; IUI#4 on July 17--BFN; IUI#5 on Aug. 12--BFN


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ttc first

baby
happily married
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2009
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 8:34am

MANY HUGS Elle!

I am so sorry about the bfn's and the stress and depression. IF is torture. It is great that you have four embies in the freezer, try to think of it as more chances, hopefully 2 more chances! I know that doesn't take away the pain of a bfn though.

If you just transferred on Sat maybe it's just too early for a + preg test. Do you have an official beta scheduled?

Something you said really hit home with me, about if you don't have a baby you don't have a life. I went through a very similar stage, DH pointed it out to me, I didn't even realize it. It was kind of a wake-up call. I didn't ever want to leave the house, see friends (who all have babies), it was all I thought about. I can't say I am 100% better but maybe I'm 25% better now. I just realized I couldn't carry on like that. No one even wanted to be around me.

I hope you stick around the board, the women here have helped me so much. No one irl can understand like the women here do. I really hope you get a positive beta and all of this is a thing of the past.

 

Kelly

I'm 38, DH is 42 and we are TTC #1. We've had 3 unexplained miscarriages and a bout with Asherman's Syndrome but we're determined.

BFP #4! - 1/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 8:43am

Thanks for the support.


I tested again this morning. I know, I am a glutton for punishment. It was negative. BFN! I am doing the blood test tomorrow. I am trying to think there is still a possibility...


I am also thinking about our second chance -- the embies that are frozen.


I don't want this to define me, to determine how I live my life. I just haven't been among the land of living for long between my physical pain with endo and IC and the mental/emotional pain for infertility. No matter what happens, I must find a way to get my life back. I was always an upbeat, fun-loving, life-loving person. There has to be a part of that somewhere inside me.


Thanks for listening and the kind words. It means so much.


Elle

With my husband since 2000. TTC since 2004. I have endo and have had 3 laps. Also have IC. One miscarriage in 2008. Completed egg donor transfer in 8-09 and waiting for results. Holding breath!


I joined this board to find more people like me, to bond, to grow, to learn, and to share.

With my husband since 2000. TTC since 2004. I have endo and have had 3 laps. Also have IC. One miscarriage in 2008. Completed fresh egg donor transfer in 8-09 and it didn't work. Had a second transfer with frozen embies week of 9-20. I joined this boar

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2009
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 8:54am

So sorry Elle:(

 

Kelly

I'm 38, DH is 42 and we are TTC #1. We've had 3 unexplained miscarriages and a bout with Asherman's Syndrome but we're determined.

BFP #4! - 1/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 9:47am

Elle, I'm so sorry you're feeling down (((HUGS)).

I know it's hard but try to focus on the fact that you still have some frozen and still have a shot. I know quite a few people who got BFN's on their fresh and then were successful w/the frozen.

IF you end up not succeeding, I would get yourself (and DH too) into counseling to help decide what to do next. Perhaps it will help to discuss DH's reasons for not wanting to adopt (if you want to) and you can work on that. If you have to come to terms with remaining childfree, this will help a lot. Either way it sounds like you have a lot of issues to work through for the sake of your marriage.

I wish you lots of luck, you're not out yet, so I will pray for a + beta or luck with the FET.

 


Amber



Mason James was born 8/21/10, 8lbs 12 oz after close to 3 years of infertility.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 10:24am

Hi Elle,


First GIGANTIC HUGS.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2009
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 10:38am

Hi Elle,


I don't have much else to say that everyone else has not

Me - 26, DH- 32, DH and I have been together since January 2003, happily married since September 2007, TTC our first for over 1 year.  Dx with MFI, low morphology.  Currently getting ready to start our first round of

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 12:19pm

Elle,
Giant (((HUGS)).

Isabel
Mom to Sebastian Robert after 3+ years of infertility

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Sat, 09-12-2009 - 11:26pm

A huge hug to you. I know exactly how you feel.


I just (literally just as in tonight) created a website to hopefully help women like us. I hope you find it helpful.


You have friends who care! www.Support4Infertility.com

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