My reason for going MIA

Hello ladies!  Looks like I've missed a ton while I've been on break from the boards.  Congratulations to those with BFP's and GIGANTIC HUGS to those who haven't.

My reasons for taking a break were numerous...  My biggest was my realization that we would be unable to try IVF again this year as I had planned...

I had a very, very hard time dealing with my younger sister's last months of pregnancy.  For those who don't know, she was trying as our surrogate when she informed us that she was PG...with her bf's baby.  She was apparently having unprotected sex with him while inseminating for us.  So, there was some question as to whose baby she was actually PG with.  Anyway, she had her son Oct 16th. Healthy, beautiful.  I've been crying daily since his arrival.

My SIL's announcement in July that her and her BF were going to start trying to get PG...the same BF that she was engaged to, but cancelled the wedding 3 months prior.  Started living with another man at the beginning of this year...kicked him out in March and got back together with the ex-fiance.  They called Monday to tell us they are beginning their 8th week of PG.

Various friends calling/emailing to announce their PG's.  Some we're happy for, some we're not.

My husband informing me that he isn't sure if IVF is a route that he wants to pursue any longer b/c of the cost and the unknown outcome.

My mom telling me it's time to let go of all my depression surrounding not being able to get pregnant.  Thinks it's time for me to just accept the fact that I'm not going to be a mom.  I need to get on with my life and stop letting the negativity into my thoughts.

And a big reason is that I honestly don't even know if I qualify to be here with you all...I am in limbo, in a big way.  I can't relate to your treatments b/c I am not currently pursuing any type of treatments...we can't b/c of the money situation right now.  I feel like I don't even have a right to offer support to anyone since I am the world's biggest IF failure.  TTC for almost 14 years and nothing but failure to report.  How do I tell someone not to give up when I am on the verge of giving up myself? TODAY...then tomorrow, I want it more than anything in the world and couldn't imagine giving up, even though I don't know when I can start pursuing it again.  My gynecologist put me on BC a couple months ago to help suppress my endo...it has gotten completely out of control and is now at the point where I can't even manage the pain.  He's scared to open me up b/c of what he'll find. Nice, huh?  So, here, take some BC and lets not think about it for awhile.  Never mind that taking birth control when you are unable to conceive is a gigantic slap in the face...AND you have to PAY to take it :)  Thats a pretty big pill to swallow.

But, I am falling into a deep hole ladies...I feel helpless and hopeless.  I don't feel like I have anyone to lean on for support.  I'm scared for my health and wellbeing b/c of the overwhelming feelings I have that I seem unable to control.  I just keep repeating myself and how I feel when I AM able to talk to someone about it...and then I have to stop myself from talking about it b/c I know they are tired of hearing about it.
I have to pretend I am happy for people when I'm really not. I have to put on a brave face everyday...I am a fake.  I am losing my own identity in the nightmare of IF.  I force myself to do day to day activities in the hopes that I will get back to feeling like myself one of these days...I'm still waiting.