People are so insensitive

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
People are so insensitive
9
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 7:29pm

Perhaps this is all coming from the fact that I've shifted emotionally from being sad to angry, but so many people make me angry about how insensitive they can be when they know you want a kid but obviously don't have one.


The latest example that annoyed me: There's a small corner store that my husband and I walk to every so often for about the past year and half.  There's one lady always there that we'll talk to.  Last winter (before my husband got laid off and right before we started trying) we mentioned that we would like to find a house to buy and have kids soon.  We haven't been there since sometime early fall because it's been cold and rainy.  We walked in the other day and the first thing she said is "Not pregnant yet!  It's NOT HARD to get pregnant!"  Why would you say that to someone who two only two possibilities are that they either have difficulty getting pregnant or have changed their minds?


Then I have a friend who I see twice a week who started trying when we did and is due in March.  I've told her numerous times about how frustrating and sad it makes me to not get pregnant.  However, she insists telling every detail about how fun it is to feel and see the baby move, how he jumped when her mom talked to him, all the baby stuff they bought, the stuff she wants to do with her baby, her birthing classes, etc... and gave me a Christmas picture highlighting her pregnant belly.  I don't mind just being around pregnant women too much, but it really bugs when they talk about it.  Why does it not occur to her that it might bother me and perhaps she should scale back how much she shares around me?  I understand it's her first and she's excited but still - save all the details for someone else.


Lastly, I have a friend (who had PCOS and took Clomid to get pregnant the first time) who also has a degree in social work/psyc and knows we're not exactly rich ask if we would just consider adopting when I tried to explain my sadness.  As if that's even an option right now!  I can't afford basic infertility testing let alone adoption.  You would think someone who was previously had issues getting pregnant would be more sensitive.  Plus everyone tosses out the adoption thing like it's an easy solution.  Just go down to Walmart and buy a kid - that will solve your problem!


Grrr.  I just feel like the world doesn't understand.  Thanks for the opportunity to vent.


Tamar

Tamar

TTC #1 since Feb '09 with Unexplained Infertility: SA's all ok; b/w and HSG ok; Lap Mar '10 - mild endo on outside of right tube/uterus removed but not considered eno

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 6:38pm

One of the hardest lessons we have to learn over and over in life is not to judge other people.

KayLa (36)... so many fertility issues betweeen DH and I. Diagnosed with Hashimoto's.
TTC naturally since June 2009
IVF #1 November 2010...BFP....early M/C
FET #1 April 2011...BFP...beta 10, 29, 460.
Heartbeat seen via u/s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 5:18pm

Thank-you Tamar!

I came onto the site tonight needing to rant - but you have done it for me. Actually - you've just got me wound up in agreement - here's my sympathetic rant -

The personal emotional stress of ttc is enormous for couples in itself. When you add two or three daily thoughtless, throw away comments from people you've been brave enough to share your struggles with - it is almost too much to cope with.

I took time off from work in February on stress leave- two pregnant colleagues and every female staff member wanting to share their PG stories with them. (This on top of my PG SIL e-mailing weekly family updates on the size of her bump, several facebook 'wonderful announcements'....)

An indiscreet line manager ensured that everyone at work knew I was stressed because of IF. Even knowing I had become physically ill because of the strain was not enough for the PG colleagues to make any effort at sensitivity. I still have to summon all my courage every morning just to get into work. I tend to have lunch at my desk.

Again, with the IVF comments - I'm married to a doctor who is incredibly wary of the low success rates, the emotional strain, the lack of long-term research into the health and welfare of IVF children and the damage injected hormones can cause to the female body. All of these concerns would need to be addressed even before we considered the cost.

Also, IVF isn't available as an instant McDonalds drive-thru menu. We are going through the testing process (England has a free National Health Service). It is an awful, humiliating, invasive process. Each new test is physically painful and emotionally draining. We started testing after 1 year ttc in February and our appointment to discuss treatment options isn't until June. I can imagine it taking another six months until we get near a first IVF cycle - if it is even an option for us!

Finally, some of the most frustrating comments are those where people comment on our seemingly luxurious lifestyle. We are putting an enormous effort into getting away regularly together, enjoying shared interests together, and taking advantage of the few benefits of a child-free life. - only because the TTC process would tear us apart as a couple if we didn't make time and energy for each other. In a heartbeat we would go down to a single salary, living simply if we could only become parents.

Finally (no -really finally this time!) - my mother-in-law knows how emotionally fraught we are (and she went through six years of IF herself) and still managed to tease me about 'maybe not being the same size next year this time....' at dinner on Sunday. What do I say to that?

Sorry - you got me going. I can't offer any advise or wise words, only total sympathy and a mad-woman's rant.

Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 4:33pm

That stinks.

Tamar

TTC #1 since Feb '09 with Unexplained Infertility: SA's all ok; b/w and HSG ok; Lap Mar '10 - mild endo on outside of right tube/uterus removed but not considered eno

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 12:43pm

Speaking of insensitive.....my cousin works with me and she knows that I've done 2 IVF cycles in the past few months. I was at the natural food store when she called me. She said, why are you there, are you getting ready for another cycle? I told her that there was a possibility of it in a few months. She said, (very dramatically) Are you sure you can keep going through this? I said, Whats my alternative? She said, Idk I just know I couldn't keep doing it. I wanted to SNAP! She just got done saying the same thing after my 1st failed cycle. I do recall telling her that is wasn't a very positive thing to say to me.


Later I decided to call her and tell her how I felt. I said, I know you don't know exactly what to say to me, but I do know that was the wrong thing.

 Lori


 


DH and I are 33yrs old. TTC #1 since May08| July09- Dx POF|  Aug09- started Premarin, Metformin, and Lupron

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2009
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 4:09pm

HA.

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Faith (35) Matt (40)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 1:06pm

Granted, I haven't had a ton of people mention the adoption thing yet because for the most part

Tamar

TTC #1 since Feb '09 with Unexplained Infertility: SA's all ok; b/w and HSG ok; Lap Mar '10 - mild endo on outside of right tube/uterus removed but not considered eno

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2009
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 10:35am

OUCH Tamar! You've got some really insensitive people around you, I'm so sorry. As far as the preggo friend goes, you may need to just step back a little. It stinks, I'm having to do the same thing right now with a friend but it kills me to be around her. And why in the world would she give you a picture of her belly, that's so not nice! She isn't being very sensitive to your feelings so don't feel guilty if you need to cut her off for a while.

And the whole idea of "just adopting" really infuriates me. I've had a slew of people tell me to "just adopt" and my reply is generally something rather smart. First, it is not simple, second it is not cheap, and third do they not understand you mourn the loss of having a genetic child?

UGH! Vent away!

 

Kelly

I'm 38, DH is 42 and we are TTC #1. We've had 3 unexplained miscarriages and a bout with Asherman's Syndrome but we're determined.

BFP #4! - 1/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 10:14am

Why do people think adoption is so easy? It's not easy, it's expensive and generally takes years (particularly if you want a healthy baby!). I would have no problems with adopting TODAY if someone were to give me a baby...sure I would like to see our genetic blend, but we want a child...period. Unfortunately, it isn't a short process. I have a friend at work who has been in the process for over 2 years and still waiting for a "match" and they even want an older (2-3 year old) child!


Another thing I hate...my best friend (since high school) asks me every time we talk on the phone (live in different cities) "are you pregnant yet"...no, believe me I will tell you ASAP. And she knows full well we are having problems.


Arg...sorry just had to vent a little!

-Jamie


Me 33, DH 36. TTC since November 2007. Possible miscarriage in January of 2008 (too early for BFP, but all symptoms point to miscarriage). Normal SA in Feb 2009. HSG showed large (50% of uterus) fundal fibroid in Feb 2009. Hysteroscopically removed in March 2009. Tried to concieve naturally until August. Repeat HSG was normal. Currently on 4th month of Clomid...never had a BFP. Will begin IUI in January.

-Jamie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 9:59pm

Awe Tamar, big HUGS.

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Faith (35) Matt (40)