Nearly 5 yrs TTC, and now this.... :(

Avatar for karenmtbc
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Nearly 5 yrs TTC, and now this.... :(
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 10:50pm

Hi all,

I'm Karen (34) married to DH, Brian (33), and we have been TTC #1 since October 2004. I'm by no means new to the boards...just have always pretty much lurked around this one. We were beyond blessed with Eliana, our 10 month old daughter, through the gift of adoption last September.

Our journey has been long and ugly, and right now is the absolute worst. After my 6th surgery in 5 years (thanks to stage 4 endo that was initially missed by my dumb#%^ RE and found by my new doc) and severe adhesions, I'm now facing a total abdominal hysterectomy w/bilateral oophorectomy next month (3 days after Ellie's 1st birthday). WRECK.

After all of the pain, all of the ER trips, all of the surgeries, all of the missed work, tears, breakdowns, counseling sessions, hopes and then crushed hopes...after ALL of this ends like THIS?! I know we have Ellie, and I would never ever ever trade her for anything in the world. But parenthood through adoption and parenthood through pregnancy are two different journeys. And right now, I am mourning the loss of my dream of pregnancy...and I'm not doing well at ALL. My depression is at an all time low, which is feeding serious anxiety (b/c of complications after my last major surgery - aka, 11 & 1/2 laparotomy in '08), which is feeding into more depression... its vicious circle that I can't get away from. And GOD, I wish I could get away from it...from me...from life in general. Its so scary to have these thoughts, and I don't know what to do with them. I don't expect any answers, but I do appreciate you letting me come here to vent and get it all out.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 7:49am


Again, I am so, so sorry you are faced with this. It has got to be so tough to mourn this loss, and it is totally understandable to be taking it really hard. Closing this door forever is a really huge, monumental deal, because it is so wrapped up in our identity as women and all of our hope and dreams for our life. It is no wonder you are a wreck and it doesn't mean you are ungrateful for Eli. I hope that you are seeking professional counseling to deal with this. I know it sucks beyond belief but I hope and pray you can get through this and find some peace and closure, and finally be free from all this pain and stress.




Mason James was born 8/21/10, 8lbs 12 oz after close to 3 years of infertility.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 9:19am

Hi Karen,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 12:12pm

Oh Karen I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard it is. I know after I vent here I always feel at least a little better. Much love and luck to you.

((Big Hug))

And your daughter is absolutely adorable.


M/C November 2009

Metformin December 2009

Clomid #1 50mg April 2010 = no O :-(

Clomid #2 100mg May 2010 = BFN

Clomid #3 150mg July 2010




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"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2009
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 2:26pm

Dear Karen,

First off, I am so sorry for the painful struggles you have had to endure- mentally, physically, emotionally.

Finally pregnant after 3 yrs of ttc and 3 losses. Lilypie Pregnancy tickers EDD: 9/18/11
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 3:22pm


I'm sorry your dream of pregnancy is ending this way.

Me: 39, DH: 43

TTC for 5 years . 1 Ectopic PG at 8 wee

Avatar for trinigirl2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 2:20pm

Hey Karen,

Me - (Amanda 27) My dh-- 26 We have been ttc # 1 for 3yrs 5mths My dh has severe oligospermia, Ivf with icsi is our only option. Ivf # 1--- failed Ivf # 2--- failed Ivf # 3-- hopefully in March 2013 at a new clinic!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 2:47pm
I am so very sorry Karen, what a devastating end to your 5 year journey. Hold on tight to your Eli to help you get through this and know we'll always be here as a shoulder to cry on.