So miserable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
So miserable.
11
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 1:31pm

I'm needing to vent!

I went in this AM for b/w and u/s (CD9) after femara, clomid and injectables and I only had one follie at 19 on the right side. I am so frustrated that all these pills and injections can only ever seem to produce one follicle. It is so much money to spend every month on medications and I have a lifetime limit on benefits for that, which I've used up about 25% of and we haven't gone as far as IVF yet.

It just seems to me that after 6 IUIs using different medications and different schedules that it isn't ever going to work. I would like to move on to IVF, but I am concerned that if I am not responding to the injectables for the IUI cycles, what kind of luck will I have in terms of a successful ER with we do decide to go the IVF route. I so hate that my body just won't cooperate with me.

I lost 20 pounds a year ago over a period of about a year and I've managed to keep it off. I've given up alcohol and caffeine. Oh how I miss my coffee fix. It just isn't fair!!! I will likely O early this week and I can't miss work to go for the IUI (what teacher misses the first day of school with a new class?). We'll try naturally of course but it's hard to put your heart into it when everything just seems so hopeless. DH wants to try 2 or 3 more cycles before spending money on an IVF cycle but I feel like we're wasting our time with this.

Labour Day Saturday and DH has gone away hunting, all my friends have family plans/parties for the weekend, my girlfriends are all busy and my parents are away until next week. I can't believe how miserable and alone I'm feeling right now. I wish I'd known 3 years ago what I was in for with this journey. It would have been nice to have someone tell me it was going to be like this. It would still hurt to have known that I was infertile but at least I would have known that I was in for such a long and difficult journey.

I'm sure the large number of pg friends and new babies arriving lately hasn't helped. I try so hard to be happy for my friends but it really isn't easy. Especially for the ones who complain about their baby not sleeping at night, or how tired they are, or whatever baby related difficulty they are having. Sorry to be such a total drag but I'm just feeling so miserable and hopeless.
Heather

~ TTC since 2007
~ BFP May 2009 after 2nd cycle of clomid
~ MC July 2009
~ IUIs starting April 2010
~ Weak BFP April 2010 followed by slightly late AF/MC
~ May 2010 - August 2010 IUIs with injectables, all BFN
~ September 2010 - Throwing everything at me - injectables, clomid and femara - Hopefully the works will get the job done.... waiting again!

~ Meron born 12-09-11 after 3 1/2 years of TTC, IUIs and IVF.
~ #2 on the way(!) and due 06-06-13.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
In reply to: heathers777
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:06pm
I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been trying to conceive for over 8yrs and each month and year that goes by I feel more depressed. I have watched family, friends, and co-workers all have babies and I am still at the sideline. I find it very difficult to cheer them on and be happy. I went through 2 IUI's and would start strong and only end up with 1 follie. I too have a max on my fertility coverage and decided to go for the IVF. I responded very well and we retrieved 30 eggs. I overstimed and could not transfer which only added to my sadness. I have 23 frozen and will try my 1st FET in Oct. Have you talked to your RE about chaning the protocol for your meds to see if you get a better response?

Me ~ 31

Me ~ 31  DH ~ 33  TTC #1 since August 2002. Dealing with mild Endo, PCOS, D

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
In reply to: heathers777
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:19pm
Oh Heather I am so sorry, I know what it is like to be down in the dumps. Last week I was so deep in the dumps I could not even see the light anymore. I know the ladies here really helped and then of course taking each moment at a time. It is hard and I wish there was something we could say for one another to make it all better. Hang in there, watch a really ridiculous movie that always makes you laugh.

Dixie


"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella


TTC since April 2009


M/C November 2009


Metformin December 2009


Clomid #1 50mg April 2010 = no O :-(


Clomid #2 100mg May 2010 = BFN


Clomid #3 150mg July 2010 = BFN


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Dixie


"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: heathers777
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 10:48pm

I saw your other post on the 30 eggs... that was amazingly wonderful! I hope that this cycle is the one for you. It's easy to be happy for the ladies here who have success because I know there is especially great joy that can come only after all the struggles we go through.

It's funny you should mention changing the protocol for the meds. I've had a different one every cycle except for one (I had 4 good follies once so we repeated the same meds etc. but it didn't work the second time). It seems like a waste of money. When we did our first IUI it was just with clomid and I had 3 follies. We had a very tiny (beta3) positive which just caused AF to be 2 days late but my lining was so very thin that I thought that was the problem. I thought going back to clomid this cycle would work for us but it hasn't.

I'm thinking of just trying the clomid the next 2 cycles and maybe they can give me the etrogen to plump up the lining instead. At least it's more affordable and less disappointing when you're only spending $100 a cycle instead of $650 a cycle.

I would really like to just move on to the IVF and be done with it but DH is resistant ... I think it's because of the money, although our meds are covered. We'd have to use some of our savings for it but we wouldn't be in debt to do the first cycle or two if it was necessary. I'm not sure it's fair to break it down so simply, but at this point, do we want to buy a house or do we want children... I'm not sure what to say to DH to try and help him be ready. I don't want to force it but I also don't want to wait very long. He's 2 years younger than I am and has had only excellent SA results so it's frustrating to know that my body is the one not cooperating.

Ugh. I'm just rambling now in my sad world. I had a good cry and a nap this afternoon. It is hard to crawl back out of that unhappy dark place. I think if we go over the financial issues and figure out exactly, dollar for dollar what we've already used of our coverage, I may have an easier time convincing him that spending more now will perhaps be cheaper in the long run. We've already spent the majority of what one IVF cycle would cost us, so it might just be better to go for it... I am thinking the same way you are about the cap on the benefits. I think it just makes more sense to go that route.

Heather

~ TTC since 2007
~ BFP May 2009 after 2nd cycle of clomid
~ MC July 2009
~ IUIs starting April 2010
~ Weak BFP April 2010

~ Meron born 12-09-11 after 3 1/2 years of TTC, IUIs and IVF.
~ #2 on the way(!) and due 06-06-13.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: heathers777
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 10:54pm
Thanks Dixie,
I'm running out of girlfriends who don't have children but I have a friend who knew I was in the dumps and is going to go to the movies with me tomorrow. I am not sure whether to see "The Switch" (maybe not a good one to see right now...) or "Going the Distance" which looks kind of funny. I like Drew Barrymore.
Maybe I'll let the dog up on the bed tonight to have a cuddle with me. She usually sleeps on the floor because she gets too hot but she loves to cuddle before bed. DH doesn't like her on the bed but he's not here, so I'll sneak.
Heather

~ TTC since 2007
~ BFP May 2009 after 2nd cycle of clomid
~ MC July 2009
~ IUIs starting April 2010
~ Weak BFP April 2010

~ Meron born 12-09-11 after 3 1/2 years of TTC, IUIs and IVF.
~ #2 on the way(!) and due 06-06-13.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
In reply to: heathers777
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 11:31am
I am sure you and DH will make the right decision. It is always hard to make the big decisons. I have been at this fertility thing for awhile now and it does not get any easier. It sucks money is always the big factor in all of this and cause a lot of the stress. I wish you luck and hope you get your BFP soon.

Me ~ 31

Me ~ 31  DH ~ 33  TTC #1 since August 2002. Dealing with mild Endo, PCOS, D

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: heathers777
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 11:59am
Thanks - I suppose there is a tiny bit of hope that this will be it but I can't imagine it working at this point. I hope we can get things rolling soon, though. It takes 2 to 3 months for the genetics testing to come back so I'm guessing we'll have at least another 3 weeks, if not longer, to hear anything about that. It's probably best to wait until we know that's okay before spending the big bucks I suppose.

~ TTC since 2007
~ BFP May 2009 after 2nd cycle of clomid
~ MC July 2009
~ IUIs starting April 2010
~ Weak BFP April 2010

~ Meron born 12-09-11 after 3 1/2 years of TTC, IUIs and IVF.
~ #2 on the way(!) and due 06-06-13.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
In reply to: heathers777
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 4:41pm
Oh I like Drew Barrymore too if you go to see that tell me how it is. I think sometimes we need that could cry and to sneak the dog on the bed. I can't have my dog on the bed when my DH is around either. I hope you get out of the funk soon but don't rush it. Sometimes our bodies and hearts know what we need even if our minds don't want to admit it.

Dixie


"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella


TTC since April 2009


M/C November 2009


Metformin December 2009


Clomid #1 50mg April 2010 = no O :-(


Clomid #2 100mg May 2010 = BFN


Clomid #3 150mg July 2010 = BFN


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Dixie


"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
In reply to: heathers777
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 7:29pm
I am sorry you have to go through all this. I have been waiting to hold a baby since 2006 and just suffered an ectopic pregnancy in July. It sounds like you may be worried about your lining. If that is the case, I would take Femara instead of Clomid. Femara doesn't thin the lining like Clomid can. Can they up your dose? I hope you get a sticky BFP before you have to shell out money for IVF.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: heathers777
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 8:42pm

Heather,


I'm so sorry you are feeling down.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: heathers777
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 8:22pm
Thanks Christy,
Actually, I just finished trying 3 cycles of IUI using various doses of femara with injectables as well. None of them worked. I had a pg with clomid last year that ended in m/c and then another pg with clomid + IUI this past spring that ended in a very early m/c. I was hoping the clomid might work this month since we combined it with femara and injectables. Unfortunately, I get just one egg every time, it seems, no matter what we do. Ugh! At least now we're talking about IVF as something that we'll be starting with before the year is out.
Heather

~ TTC since 2007
~ BFP May 2009 after 2nd cycle of clomid
~ MC July 2009
~ IUIs starting April 2010
~ Weak BFP April 2010

~ Meron born 12-09-11 after 3 1/2 years of TTC, IUIs and IVF.
~ #2 on the way(!) and due 06-06-13.

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