Confused
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Confused
| Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:52pm |
I have been dating this guy for about 5 months and we barely make love. I have two thoughts: 1) that he is afraid to get me pregnant or 2)that he hasnt had many relationships to find his niche.
How do I approach this with him without hurting his feelings?

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It sounds like you want to talk to him - that's the first step, and it will take the mystery out of all this!
About the pregnancy fear, are you two using reliable birth control?
There is another option, have you initiated sex? Perhaps he doesn't realize what your libido is?!?
My last thought, is the least pleasant thought, but If I don't give you this advice I don't know if anyone else will. In September 2000 I was seriously involved with a guy, we had been dating a little over a month, when after one date night we got "hot and heavy", right before we were ging to do "it" he stopped me and told me he wasn't ready. He would only do "it" when he loved me. We dated from September 2000 through March 2001. We only "made love" 2 times during those 6 months. Why? Well, his "best friend" an strickly "old high school buddy" he was fooling around with. Lesson I learned? A guy usually has a higher libido than a girl, and if he's not getting it with you he's getting it somewhere else.
A key factor in a realtionship is sexual combatability. If you aren't compatible, then in the end, one of you will wind up unsatisfied. So after your "heart to heart" if it is not a physical or emotional issue that you both can deal with, you may have to find your compatability elsewhere.
Good Luck.
Erica
BUT, if a guy is not getting it on with you, and you want to be getting it on more with him, then there is a problem. Right? Well, duh! :)
Either his sex drive is low, or he has issues with being intimate. Either way, it's a problem. If he has issues with being intimate, then he probably thinks it's preferable to get off using his own hand than to get into all the mess and fuss of making love with a woman he is involved with. If his sex drive is low, well, I just don't buy that anyone's sex drive is "low" unless they are on medication or have a diagnosed illness that causes low sex drive.
My experience has been that guys who appear to be "not very sexual" have emotional issues that go along with it. They can be loving and sweet and caring, but they can't seem to put all the pieces together in a relationship - the loving, sweet, caring AND sexy behavior. And that is no fun.
I dated a guy once who loved me so so so so much and went after me for an entire year...and then he finally got me to make love with him. Once we "went there", I was excited to have made love with a man who loved me so much first! Well, I quickly grew disappointed because although he still loved me and didn't want to lose me, his actions all told me that he was very uncomfortable with being INVOLVED. He avoided situations where we would be intimate. When we finally WERE intimate, it was GREAT. But he was weird about it....didn't revel in it the way other men I knew did. Didn't want to lay in bed for long periods and "do it" repeatedly like other men I knew.... As a friend who was in love with me, he was GREAT. He was THE BEST. But as a lover, he stunk. He couldn't be both a lover and a friend.
After a while, I stopped being disappointed when he would make plans with me and then call me at the last minute and say he needed to make our date start later and end earlier (thus making it impossible to have sex) because of this or that "perfectly legitimate" excuse. But legitimate excuse or not, I knew that he was avoiding being intimate. After a while, instead of complaining to him that his actions hurt me and instead of asking him to explain his actions and instead of asking him to tell me that he DID want to have sex with me, not just TALK about wanting to have sex with me, I stopped mentioning it altogether. After a while, I just accepted that this is the way it is with us, and if I didn't like it, I could leave. And eventually, I detached from my past expectations of how we "would" be based on how he treated me before we becames intimate, and I let the relationship go.
He was disappointed and he felt betrayed by me, that I didn't hang in there until "there was more time," and stuff like that. But finally, I stopped getting sucked in to statements like, "as soon as I finish this project..." and "everything will be FINE as soon as we can spend more time together"....because I started to realize that he MEANT what he was saying, he just couldn't ACT on it. It's like when a fat person looks in the mirror and says, "I am GOING to lose this weight" but in reality, she just can't do what it takes.
Eventually, I guess I kind of just lost interest.
Wow...I guess I needed to talk about that!!! I hope it helped you in some way. If your boyfriend is a waste of your time and energy, you will realize it eventually. I guess that is the moral of the story. There are just some people that you are better off without, even if they are perfectly nice people.
I married the man that made my heart tumble and flipp after only knowing him for 3 weeks now 10 years later here we are 28 years old 2 kids and very happy, the sex on the other hand well it's still a work in progress, we all can't be perfect and maybe he just needs some much needed understanding I don't think you or he have to be great at it if you love him and you think he's THE ONE then give him time ,and communication is the KEY I can't stress that enough, if you don't talk to him then how will he know how you feel unless he is a mind reader and let's face it he is not or you would not need advice lol and if it affends him then he is not the one for you, but give him time it could be a thousand and one reasons just be a detective literally put on nothing but a blazor a tie hair up a note pad then there is your answer!
***just kidding lol***
I wish you happiness and luck
ALicia
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