Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Confused
17
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:52pm
I have been dating this guy for about 5 months and we barely make love. I have two thoughts: 1) that he is afraid to get me pregnant or 2)that he hasnt had many relationships to find his niche.

How do I approach this with him without hurting his feelings?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: djzulcosky
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:39pm

It sounds like you want to talk to him - that's the first step, and it will take the mystery out of all this!


About the pregnancy fear, are you two using reliable birth control?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: djzulcosky
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:18pm
I think that after 5 months, you should be able to have a heart to heart with him to try and see what's going on in his head. It is quite possible he just doesn't have the experience behind him and he may be afraid of not being able to please you sexually. If it is a birth control issue, & if you are using bc, then you should discuss the good and the bad with him regarding it. You didn't give much information about his age, but its also possbile that he has a low sex drive, maybe even a physical issue, or maybe even an emotional issue. Bottom line you won't know unless you speak with him. This has a potential for being a touchy subject so I would definately go in gently with your approach.

There is another option, have you initiated sex? Perhaps he doesn't realize what your libido is?!?

My last thought, is the least pleasant thought, but If I don't give you this advice I don't know if anyone else will. In September 2000 I was seriously involved with a guy, we had been dating a little over a month, when after one date night we got "hot and heavy", right before we were ging to do "it" he stopped me and told me he wasn't ready. He would only do "it" when he loved me. We dated from September 2000 through March 2001. We only "made love" 2 times during those 6 months. Why? Well, his "best friend" an strickly "old high school buddy" he was fooling around with. Lesson I learned? A guy usually has a higher libido than a girl, and if he's not getting it with you he's getting it somewhere else.

A key factor in a realtionship is sexual combatability. If you aren't compatible, then in the end, one of you will wind up unsatisfied. So after your "heart to heart" if it is not a physical or emotional issue that you both can deal with, you may have to find your compatability elsewhere.

Good Luck.

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
In reply to: djzulcosky
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 12:12pm
Just because a guy is not getting it on with you, does not mean he is getting it on with someone else.

BUT, if a guy is not getting it on with you, and you want to be getting it on more with him, then there is a problem. Right? Well, duh! :)

Either his sex drive is low, or he has issues with being intimate. Either way, it's a problem. If he has issues with being intimate, then he probably thinks it's preferable to get off using his own hand than to get into all the mess and fuss of making love with a woman he is involved with. If his sex drive is low, well, I just don't buy that anyone's sex drive is "low" unless they are on medication or have a diagnosed illness that causes low sex drive.

My experience has been that guys who appear to be "not very sexual" have emotional issues that go along with it. They can be loving and sweet and caring, but they can't seem to put all the pieces together in a relationship - the loving, sweet, caring AND sexy behavior. And that is no fun.

I dated a guy once who loved me so so so so much and went after me for an entire year...and then he finally got me to make love with him. Once we "went there", I was excited to have made love with a man who loved me so much first! Well, I quickly grew disappointed because although he still loved me and didn't want to lose me, his actions all told me that he was very uncomfortable with being INVOLVED. He avoided situations where we would be intimate. When we finally WERE intimate, it was GREAT. But he was weird about it....didn't revel in it the way other men I knew did. Didn't want to lay in bed for long periods and "do it" repeatedly like other men I knew.... As a friend who was in love with me, he was GREAT. He was THE BEST. But as a lover, he stunk. He couldn't be both a lover and a friend.

After a while, I stopped being disappointed when he would make plans with me and then call me at the last minute and say he needed to make our date start later and end earlier (thus making it impossible to have sex) because of this or that "perfectly legitimate" excuse. But legitimate excuse or not, I knew that he was avoiding being intimate. After a while, instead of complaining to him that his actions hurt me and instead of asking him to explain his actions and instead of asking him to tell me that he DID want to have sex with me, not just TALK about wanting to have sex with me, I stopped mentioning it altogether. After a while, I just accepted that this is the way it is with us, and if I didn't like it, I could leave. And eventually, I detached from my past expectations of how we "would" be based on how he treated me before we becames intimate, and I let the relationship go.

He was disappointed and he felt betrayed by me, that I didn't hang in there until "there was more time," and stuff like that. But finally, I stopped getting sucked in to statements like, "as soon as I finish this project..." and "everything will be FINE as soon as we can spend more time together"....because I started to realize that he MEANT what he was saying, he just couldn't ACT on it. It's like when a fat person looks in the mirror and says, "I am GOING to lose this weight" but in reality, she just can't do what it takes.

Eventually, I guess I kind of just lost interest.

Wow...I guess I needed to talk about that!!! I hope it helped you in some way. If your boyfriend is a waste of your time and energy, you will realize it eventually. I guess that is the moral of the story. There are just some people that you are better off without, even if they are perfectly nice people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: djzulcosky
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 12:44pm
how old is your boyfriend is he ready for the commitment that goes along with a sexual relationship how was he raised have you talked to him about this i have two sons both who have made decissions to wait untill they are in good strong relationships before having sex because no matter what type of birth controll you use not having sex is the only 100% sure way of not having children before you are emotionally or financially ready talk to him and find out before making any decission and are you sure he knows that you are ready for this kind of relationship
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: djzulcosky
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 11:13pm
He may be gay???? A man who doesn't like sex, hun maybe he's afraid he can't satisfy u!! Just tell him "Baby its okay I have a vibrator if u don't work."J/K Really just talk 2 him n' find wats up?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
In reply to: djzulcosky
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 2:30pm
I hear ya! It's funny that you posted. I'm having the same problem. I've been dating my b/f for 5 months (almost 6) also. We see each other once a week due to being in different cities and work/school. A few months ago, we'd have sex every night on the weekend, possibly more because I would go stay with him for a couple days. Now it's barely once during the weekend, and even then, I have to initiate it. I love my b/f and it's a way for me to feel close to him as well as having fun. He's 27 and has just restarted undergrad studies at a university and works to support himself as well. I know he's really stressed and I'm planning to talk to him about it, but I wanted you to know that I understand where you're coming from. Does your sweetie have anything major going on in his life? Is he stressed? I think that's where my problem is coming from. I'm not sure how to approach him about it either, but he has always told me to let him know if I'm unhappy, and I am. He also forgets to make me feel pretty or that I'm as "hot" as I was when we met. But as far as you two are concerned: Are you on birth control or just using condoms? I know that my b/f is also really paranoid about me taking my pill on time (as if I'd forget). I'm sorry if I rambled a little, but I hope it makes sense If anyone else can offer advice for me as well, I'd love it! Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
In reply to: djzulcosky
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 3:50pm
its about making the other person happy. if being intimate is really important to you, let him know.. then see if he makes any efforts to be intimate. some guys just show it differently. but if he doesnt show any effort, dump him and find a guy who is willing to keep you happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
In reply to: djzulcosky
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:32am
Well I can by no means call myself an old pro lol

I married the man that made my heart tumble and flipp after only knowing him for 3 weeks now 10 years later here we are 28 years old 2 kids and very happy, the sex on the other hand well it's still a work in progress, we all can't be perfect and maybe he just needs some much needed understanding I don't think you or he have to be great at it if you love him and you think he's THE ONE then give him time ,and communication is the KEY I can't stress that enough, if you don't talk to him then how will he know how you feel unless he is a mind reader and let's face it he is not or you would not need advice lol and if it affends him then he is not the one for you, but give him time it could be a thousand and one reasons just be a detective literally put on nothing but a blazor a tie hair up a note pad then there is your answer!

***just kidding lol***

I wish you happiness and luck

ALicia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
In reply to: djzulcosky
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:17pm
You have to talk to your boyfriend. If you want to have sex and he does not for some reason you have to find out why. Or your relationship will be doomed. Some men would rather wait until marriage, As crazy as that seems that a man would actually want to wait. I know some men who are like that. I would not personally want to date one. But some are like that. You have to sit down and tell him your needs. I am in my second marriage. When I started dating my Husband I told him that sex was important to me from the get go. If he thinks that pregnancy is an issue tell him your are using birth controll methods. If disease is an issue i.e AIDS than tell him you will definately use a condom. Which you should be using anyway. I hope it works out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: djzulcosky
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:51am
Hi...well in my lifetime I haven't met too many men who aren't interested in sex more frequently. I definitely would try & talk to him about it and ask him why he is not interested more. You deserve to know!

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