No Orgasm and no more desire

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
No Orgasm and no more desire
1
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:38pm
Hello, Im 21 years old, and just a little over two months ago I had sex for the first time. Since about the age of 16 i had a very big interest in sex, just never took part in any because I didnt date much, and I wasnt attracted to my own body so I was to shy to try anything anyway. My boyfriend and I have been involved for 2 years, taking our time to build up to sexual intimacy. My problem started when I noticed that when Im with him I am not lubricated enough on my own. Alone I can feel the wetness, but when I was being stimulated by him, its not there. I at first assumed its because I still have an issue with showing my body to him, and I hoped it would pass as I got accustomed to it. My second problem was, we played a lot in foreplay. For the first year and a half it was all oral sex or using our hands. Not once have I ever recieved an orgasm, or even came close to one. And I am by NO means quiet about what I like. We have tried me not saying anything and just trying to feel it out, Ive told him what to do, Ive moved him to put pressure in areas, Ive tried just not worrying about it and letting it come on its own. Ive tried everything I could think of. But its like, the feeling just isnt there. He is bothered by this and tries everythign he can to please me, and Ive even gone to the point of showing him how I do it, and put his hands under mine to show him what to do. Then we tried sex just a few months ago, and of course it was a bit painful because it was my first time, but Ive come to realize that penetration gives me no feeling at all. Even when masturbating I just massage, not penetrate. I bought a toy to see if that would help, but that doesnt really do anything either. I am so fed up with not feeling any type of satisfaction that I have lost all desire to be intimate at all. I dont even want to kiss much anymore. He is not complaining, though I know he wishes for more physical contact with me, and I try to give him satisfaction on occasion, but its just not the same. We've used KY to take care of the lack of lubricant, and I still dont understand why i have no problem with self lubrication when Im alone, but when Im with him its just not there. Im still guessing alot of it is due to my STILL present issue with not feeling attractive, and it often brings my mood down a bit. Is there ANYTHING that ANYONE recommends I try?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 7:57am
Hi lookalikairish, welcome!

The beginning of sexual intercourse is always a learning experience and it some times takes a while to become confident and participate fully in the experience. There is a large mental component in being aroused especially for women. We need to feel not only desired but desirable, at least I do. We usually advise taking it slowly, plenty of foreplay, using plenty of lube and showing your partner what arouses you, things you have already done. If you still have self image issues you may have already identified a big part of your problem. A self image problem seems to me to be consistent with being able to pleasure yourself when bf isn’t around, but I’m just a layperson. Take a look at the articles available in this link to information about sexual dysfunction:

http://www.ivillage.com/topics/health/0,,234283,00.html?arrivalSA=1&cobrandRef=0&arrival_freqCap=2 It might help if you talked to a professional sexual health counselor about your situation and see what s/he advises. Let us know how you’re doing, ok?

Hugs,

      Jill