This is probably a stupid question?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
This is probably a stupid question?
1
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:13am
I need support really bad and I don't know where to go and get it, or what to do about my situation. Okay, will try to give you a brief explanation. Hubby will be 60 yrs old in May. Over a period of years he has had to go through 3 separate femoral bypass operations. The 2nd one resulted in the loss of his left leg just below the knee. His 3rd bypass was finally done right. He originally was diagnosed with Peripheral Arterial Disease. In laymens terms I guess it would be called hardening of the arteries in the lower extremities. That is in his legs and femoral arteries. Anywho, since then he has developed ED. He can not take viagra or levetra because of his history of arterial disease. We have not made love for well over 3 years. We are very loving in every other way there is, but that one. Well....................I love my husband but I am a very frustrated and desperate wife. Just recently my husband was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma. This condition is being treated, but in the meantime I'm still stuck. I probably sound heartless, and I feel terrible that I am so consumed with sex!! But when you haven't had it for so long, and there are no prospects of it in the near future its really deblilitating. I know that I will not ever resort to an affair, because I've been that route before in my marriage to my 1st husband. That was a completely different situation. I can and have obviously, stimulated myself to orgasm, but as we all know its just not the same thing. He will not even consider other options. Is there a support group out there for women in my situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 12:14pm

Hi Deedee, welcome!

I’m so sorry about DH’s conditions. There are no stupid questions concerning sexual health. You aren’t heartless hon. it’s very natural to have ones own needs. I’ll bet his inability to have penetrative sex is psychologically very difficult for him too even though he may not show it directly and that may be part of the problem.

What “other options” won’t he consider, implants and other aids for him or dildos or a machine for you? If, physically he can’t perform and won’t seek treatment for himself, he should at least permit you to discreetly seek the release you need. If as a couple you are loving in every other way with the full range of ‘outercourse’ experiences then it would seem to me he should want you to be fulfilled in a penetrative way as well. But his reluctance about using other options could be tied to depression at being unable to perform as a man.

If the problem is his reluctance to get medical help for his ED while at the same time he is unwilling to let you help yourself then perhaps you need to see a sex therapist as a couple. A therapist working with the two of you should be able to work out a mutually satisfactory solution. If I have misunderstood or you would like to talk about you situation please post again.

Some other iVillage boards that might help are:
Low sexual desire: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhlibido
Depression Support: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhdepression
Conflict Resolutions: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppconflict

If you would like to talk please post again. Let us know how you’re doing, ok?

Good luck and hugs,

      Jill