not worth it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
not worth it?
1
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 12:40pm
I am a new non-virgin and so is my boyfriend (I'm 25, he's 30). I "made him" wait till I was ready, over 6 months into our relationship. We don't have sex too often, especially since we don't have a place to ourselves that often and well, hotels are just cheezy i think. Well, we have had sex a handful of times now and I have never enjoyed it. I don't feel a thing so when he wants intercourse, it is more for him that I do it instead of for me. His attempts orally aren't too good either and most of the time, i wind up in pain. Maybe because he is new to the whole thing as well and doesn't "know" how to do things "right" and i only know about it cuz i read about it and he should read more into it as well. But i dont want to keep telling him how to do it, for obvious 'masculinity" issues of course. What should i do to convey my "unhappiness". Also, i have a great fear of getting pregnant, so when we do have sex (with condoms), to me, it isn't worth the chance of getting pregnant because I would not have at least gotten any satisfaction out of the intercourse that accidentally would have gotten me pregrant! Plus, there are times where i want long foreplay and most of the times, he is ready to go. I guess that will be a plus since he gets hard quickly and stays, but for me, i am usually not ready when he is. I feel bad that he wants to please me and worry that he will start thinking negatively about me or himself because he can't. This topic is still an "embarassing" issue for me as i am self-conscious and still new to the whole thing. We don't "explore each other" that much.... What should i do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: arbylee7
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 4:33pm

Hi arbylee7, welcome!

Women do take a lot more time to become aroused then guys do. We need to be relaxed and confident and trying to rush or worrying about discomfort and the level of your protection can be a huge turn-off! Two-way communications is the big thing about sexual intercourse. Once you have mastered that so you have the ability to share desires and needs between you things will be a lot easier as a sexual couple. I’m glad you are seeking help before your unease and discomfort have gone on very long. Once you equate sex with discomfort and fear that becomes another problem to overcome if you are to fully enjoy a man.

There is a learning curve with sexual intercourse just like with any other skill and I wouldn’t feel at all badly about letting your boyfriend know what you like and what you don’t. Guys can be really great at some things, but they aren’t mind readers. Even if he was experienced he wouldn’t have been experienced with YOU. We are all different so even with experience he wouldn’t know right off what lights your fire. And some reluctant guys respond really well if you present a suggestion as though it was his idea. You are familiar with your body and your own sexual needs so you can show him how you like to be caressed, right?

You may even want to let him watch you masturbate to show him how you pleasure yourself. If BF insists on being Reddy Eddie when you aren’t aroused there are a couple of things you can do. One is to use a lot of an intimate lube like Astroglide (my fave) Slippery Stuff, K-Y Liquid, Replens etc. to prevent chaffing and put up with him being inconsiderate which will not teach him anything about your needs and just make your situation worse. I think a better way would be for you to masturbate him or give him oral to relieve his immediate need and offer penetration only after he arouses you. After an initial orgasm, he should be more amenable to foreplay to properly arouse and lube you prior to penetration.

Something else you could do that would be helpful is to have him read about the female anatomy on The Clitoris.com http://www.the-clitoris.com/ or read the articles on the site together. That would be a great way to break down communication barriers and educate him about your needs at the same time. There is a huge amount of well presented information on that site for everyone, from the beginner to the very experienced. With an inexperienced man you have a great opportunity to create the lover you want.

If you aren’t comfortable with the level of protection that condoms provide you might want to consider using a second method (spermicide gel, cream or sponge) in addition to condoms to further decrease the risk. If you are considering changing birth control methods you might want to post on the Birth Control board and look at the information in the FAQs. If you are interested the link is in my signature.

Thanks for posting. If you have more questions, ask away. Let us know what you decide and how you’re doing, ok?

Good luck

      Jill