Marriage Sex Advice - long sordid tale

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Marriage Sex Advice - long sordid tale
1
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:59am

Here we go. I need some advice. Let me tell you some details:

My wife sally and I do not have an open relationship by any means; however, occasionally when under the influence of recreational substances, we have fooled around with other people. Really only one couple, my best friend john and his wife joy. The girls have pleasured each other orally, and john and I have pleasured them orally and with fingers and occasionally toys. The girls never really did much to us, but sometimes while sally was working on joy, I'd take her from behind - that was the extent of the actual intercourse that went on, no inter-couple sex or anything. This was just an occasional happening, an average of 3 times a year at most over the last 5 years or so. There were never any issues with this in our relationship, it was understood that it was a specific set of circumstances that allowed this sort of thing to go on, and we all love each other as friends so there was no jealousy or anything like that.

Well last summer, we had a friend staying with us, and while he was in the house the five of us (Me, Sally, John, Joy, and our houseguest Jim) went to another couple's house out in the country to spend the day, swim, eat dinner, and spend the night. These friends had some pharmaceuticals (xanex etc.) that they gave all of us, and we were hanging out having fun. Well at some point during the day, I decided to go to the small apartment above the garage that the four of us were sharing for the night (Jim was staying in a bedroom in the main house) to change clothes (or maybe I instinctively knew that sally was missing and I went to look for her) and when I got to the door, it was locked. Now as I said, the four of us had all been naked in front of each other, so I'm not sure there was any modesty involved in the decision to lock the door. I knocked and eventually the door was unlocked and I was let in only to find sally and joy in their towels, fresh out of the shower. They looked as guilty as the cat that ate the canary, but I just went in, used the restroom, changed clothes or whatever. I took my wife sally aside later and asked her if I had interrupted something when I knocked on the door and she (who was a little tipsy, and xanexed up as were we all) giggled and said no in a playful way that said to me that wasn't the truth. Soon after dinner, I got a migraine headache and spent the evening in one spot on the couch fuming about the whole scene. It's not like it was anything that had not happened before, but in every other case, everyone was involved, or at least aware, and the secretiveness and seeming lie had me very upset. I eventually went to bed with my headache while everyone else was swimming and having fun. My wife didn't come to check on me, and in fact didn't know I had left my perch on the couch, or why. Hours later when she finally came to bed, along with the other couple (in their own bed, separated by french doors), I asked her again in quiet tones so as not to alert the others, whether or not I had walked in on them doing something i.e. making out or whatever. She then admitted it, but was even more intoxicated by then, so it was still clear that she had no idea how she had upset me. I am not one to make a scene and embarrass my wife whom I love dearly, so I just rolled over and went to sleep. The bed was a small futon but I was curled up so far away from her that it must have seemed like a king bed.

I fumed silently through breakfast the next morning, and we left in the afternoon with our friend in the car so I still couldn't bring it up, and I tried to act like I wasn't fuming for the ride home. Sally had to know by this point that something was wrong, but still didn't put it all together. When we got home, I told our guest that we were going to shower and take a nap and then we'd figure out dinner. Once the shower was going, I let her know how much she hurt me and that it was the lie that hurt, not the act. She cried, said she understood, apologized again and again and said the last thing she wanted to do ever was hurt me. She assured me that while she didn't think it excused her behavior, she said the drugs and alcohol made it a much easier thing to allow. She said it was all initiated by joy, they were in the shower together after swimming, and joy started kissing her. She said they hadn't made it much farther than that when I knocked and they were caught. I don't know whether or not Joy locked the door with that plan in mind, or if it was instinctive since they were showering, but sally says she did not lock it. She also said she was confused when I asked her about it initially and although she admitted it at the time, she didn't think much of it. So we worked it out, and life goes on.

Flash forward a few weeks; Jim and another friend of ours joined the four of us in our adventures one evening. Still no sex, but for the first time ever, Joy decided she would pleasure the men with her mouth. We all had a great time, same rules as before, no actual intercourse, but we all fooled around in the shower etc. At on point during the evening, I went into the shower to find sally and john sitting on the floor of the shower and I happened to hear sally telling john to "put it in, just for a second". Luckily (and I don't know whether my appearance had anything to do with it or not) John declined. In later conversations, he told me (with sally there) that besides the obvious reason of possible pregnancy etc. since there were no condoms in the shower, that he would not have felt right because I wasn't there and consenting. That evening went off without a hitch, no worries, no jealousy, everyone was groping and touching everyone else, and kissing etc. (but no sex) and everyone went home happy.

The next night, the guy staying with us, and the two couples had a nice dinner together, and afterwards, Joy suggested that we all have group sex. I am a flirt and a bit lecherous by all outward appearances, so I'd jokingly mentioned that to the group on more than one occasion in the past, never thinking there was a chance it would ever happen. When joy said that and everyone seemed to be down with it, I went along, but I was more hesitant than my outward appearance would have let on. So I was shocked, but interested as were all other parties. We had a few drinks, but the usual impetus (substance) was not involved. I was nervous to point of almost losing my nice dinner, but the girls put on a striptease for the boys, and then it just sort of happened naturally, not much different than the night before except for the intercourse. We all had each other, sometimes two at a time; it was very exhilarating and again, lots of fun.

That happened one other time during that summer, and it was equally excellent, and of course made me feel a little silly for reacting the way I had when I caught the girls on their own the month prior. I confided in Jim and John about the weekend pool party events and how it made me feel stupid for having been so upset. They both agreed that I was right on in my feelings because of the secretive nature of it and that they would have reacted the same way.

So here's my question, I'd like your advice (I know, "FINALLY"!). During the discussion with sally after our weekend pool event, it came up that she had "kissed joy in a bar or something - ya know like girls do" but that nothing else had ever happened. I travel for business about once a year and am gone for a week or so at a time. As I said, we're all very close. I'm now wondering if she was telling me the whole truth. Did she make out or actually have sex with joy and/or john while I was away on one of those trips? I'm not much of a going out to clubs and bars kinda guy, so I sometimes decline that offer and sally will go out with the two of them. Should I dredge all of this up and ask sally for the whole truth and nothing but? Or am I just feeling a bit insecure right now meaning that I should trust her as I always have and take her at her word? I'm driving myself a little mad with this. I'd like to just put it all behind me and trust her, but I'm so curious as to whether or not that one time I found them together was the only time. I guess the good news is that our relationship is very strong, and I have no doubt in my mind that if she did cheat on me, it was with them, and it was purely loving sex, not like this would break up our marriage, or like I think she's out catting for strange the second I leave the state, I just would sorta like to know. The other part of me says to leave well enough alone with all that, and move on.

Help?? All advice appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 5:20pm

Hi weadababy, welcome!


      Jill