I love him but he just wont have me
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| Wed, 06-27-2007 - 10:33am |
HI all
I have been browsing this site and saw some good advice. I guess i also need some. I am a beautiful believe also (not lately) sexy 29 woman. I met my boyfriend about 18 months ago. Things did not go smoothly as we were both not sure, I was potentially leaving the country etc. Anyways i left for 3 momths, we were seeing each other but we both knew anything could happen. We were in different countries, Africa and Europe and we spoke everyday. The connection was so intense it was scary. On the first day I came back he picked me up at the airport and within 2 hours we had made up and he had already given me keys to his house. For my independent spirit, it was scary, but I loved him. He is a good man, i have learnt to let my guard down.I officially moved in, that was 1 year ago...
we are (were) very close, shared the same interest and the bond between us was unbelievable. Sadly the sex was never really as intense. I initially pinned it down to different sexual appetites. Also given that this was the first relationship that i felt good in, one that made me feel good about everything, i focussed on that and did not want to end up having a sexual relationship only. So I ignored the fact that we were not having sex like two people in love, more so 2 people who were all round very good together.
In my frustrations I started sleeping early, my man spent most of the night on the internet looking up girls. We started having arguments about this....We danced around the issue until we both broke. Bottom line is he says, he has no desire for me. he never did. sex whenever we have it is good but not great. If we have it once a week its a miracle. He says and does all the right things of a man who knows what he wants. This weekend the topic came up again, in the context of if we are not having sex we may better off be friends. I really love him and hearing him say that he does not know what to do with our situation 'cause he hates thinking of other women when he needs to arouse himself for me just did it! Before now, everytime he would reject me , i felt a piece of me dying. On this weekend I wanted to leave, I packed my bags and was ready to go. He begged me to stay and told me we can do this. Told me he still wanted kids and that he has met his life partner in me....and that he was never letting me go.
Truth is I believe he loves me, and i am trying to understand where is coming from. He does not have a clinical issue as he states that his "unit" works when he sees sensual things (thanks to open communication). Truth is I feel I have a part in it.My fear of being rejected has put me off sex all together. Sure we cant love each other if we are not doing it. Surely this will eventually result in deep emotional scars.
Becuase of this, we dont talk like we used to. we are both on the defense and life at home is just too tense.
Has someone actually experienced this before? Confused, desparate, depressed and ready to hear and see the truth.
Can any relationship survive this, even if they have good intensions?
Thank you in advance.

Hi Booboogal, welcome!
Jill
I am going to be talking to you from the other side. i was in a relationship where at first everything was fine, lots of love and sex and all the good stuff that comes in the beginning. but i wasn't sexually attracted to my mate and as time went on, the sex just didn't come as often. he had a hard time dealing with it but i did feel love for him and cared about him very much. he got tired and with other relationship problems, gave up and started cheating on me. i am not saying that your husband isn't sexually attracted to you or cheating, but there is something going on. in hindsight, i realize that i was not like this in my previous relationship where i was sexually/physically attracted to the guy. and also, now that things have fizzled in the relationship, i am glad i am not with him, and though i might have felt love at one point, it wasn't meant to last. i should have known that my almost non existent sex drive with him was a problem, i chocked it up to being tired, depressed, yada yada...and in the beginning sure things you do it like bunnies, but to be only a year or 2 into the relationship and not have any desire is a signal. about the porn...its ok if it's something you share or once in a while he enjoys, but why satisfy a sexual desire with someone other than your partner? ask him that, and make him understand that you are there. sure it's fine to fantasize a bit and satisfy him by dressing up like what he watches or doing what he watches, but he also needs to recognize you sexually for who you are, he needs to want you, not some alternate reality of you. and if he doesn't like the real you, he can find another one. i have now truly understood (after having left my partner) the meaning of better alone that with bad company. he was not bad, just not the right one, even though i tried DESPERATELY to believe that he was, especially since we have a baby together. if he is not the one, in the sense that you feel it, and he feels the same, that you can work through problems and feel comfortable with the other person, LET THEM GO.
if someone wants to leave, LET THEM GO.
hey Woman
Thanks for your advise. It is pretty weird what you say in the sense that it almost hits close to home. I honestly am very confused at what is going on with us. Since a couple of weeks now the sex has gotten better and I thought I was getting over my trust issues and his intentions of us.
Every morning I wake up and switch on the back button on the remote control for the telly he was on porn TV. EVERYNIGHT!!!
Today, he was taking a shower, i picked up his phone and just started looking through, he has been talking to the some woman who he claimed was nothing more than the f**k of his life and that they were over. In instances where this woman would call he would not pick up the phone and site things like he does not know why she calls him. This was excatly a month ago. Today i see that they have been smsing. My french is not good but they were being social and i gather a bit sexual in their discussions, I did not hide the fact that i had seen it, handed him his phone and he left for work.
He sent me a message immediately saying, " hope you are not making yourself movies, thanks for breakfast love you... " breakfast referring to the good encounter we just had before he went to shower. Needless to say that I lost it and told him he can keep her.. He says there's nothing going on- its been a year! we have been talking this woman, He sites he clearly was not persuasive enough in telling her they are done! He eventually called after an exchange of messages, me wishing them well and him siting undying love and the fact that there is nothing there...he called and the conversation went into my trust issue,,, again. I love this man but at times I just feel like he will never be the one for me..will keep you posted on what happens tonight, I will listen to my gut.
Thanks again.
D
Hi Josie,
It rather ironic isn't it? I guess I always thought it should be the easiest with the people we love.... I am not sure I want to be 50 and regret and crave the orgasms I should have had. Since he has said that, when he merely closes his eyes during the act, I find myself thinking which woman is he really with? Better yet, when he seems to maintain his hard on- I think which woman should i be thanking. Isn't that just shallow??????? Truth is I know it is, truth is shallow and does not feel right, I am not sure I can live like that , truth is I am afraid this is one of those cases where love was just not enough..
Thanks for the advise, will keep you posted and will do right by me..
Enjoy your new relationship- you deserve to be happy.
Hugs
Boo