Husband watching porn on internet
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Husband watching porn on internet
| Mon, 04-07-2008 - 1:08pm |
I am a relatively open minded woman in my 40's. Had a successful career for 20 years, then left it and spent the last 4 years getting pregnant, nursing, getting pregnant AGAIN, nursing AGAIN! Wasn't rushing to have sex very often! Now the kids are 2 & 3.5 and my husband and I are having sex about once a week. I'm 5'6, 162lbs, started running and have been doing well. I have a way to go, but am beginning to get my groove back. Today, I was looking for a website in my history file and discovered that he's been on the internet looking at free porn sites. There is even a pay site where you can find people in your zip code who want to have sex!!! As far as i can tell, he hasn't signed up to get that service. So, is this the natural guy thing? Is he no longer interested in me because my body has been through hell for 4 years? Do I try having more sex with him to keep him? Is he going to leave me and my two babies for some younger tighter sexier version? Is he grossed out when he looks at me? Will he try to start a relationship with someone this way? I think all guys like porn, but when YOUR guy is doing it!!!!! Feeling really shocked, dejected!

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As a woman who has had some issues with this very subject, try to stop fretting and talk to him.
I don't know the personal issues your wife may have been going through, but I can say from my own experience that it's very hard to give back, very hard to please your husband, when you're running on dry. For instance, when my husband has neglected me all day (no tender words,no non-sexual affection, no help with the house) and perhaps critical (Yeah, I know you washed the laundry and dishes but the bedroom is a mess, so why did you go to the mall?!) when it comes time for sex at night the last thing I am interested in is pleasing HIM. I might not be angry with him but filling his cup when mine is empty is a pretty daunting task.
There's a saying that women are like crockpots and men are like microwaves. Women take a lot of time getting 'in the mood.' And I don't mean sexual foreplay in the bedroom, I mean foreplay begins in the morning when you get up and continues thruout the day. Making her feel appreciated and loved and sexy helps her to feel empowered and desire to give back to you.
Sometimes there's a physical issue of why someone might not want to have sex and needs to see their doctor.
In the original poster's situation, she is not having sex once a month, but at least once a week. That's not unreasonable. While I prefer to have it more frequently, even though I have four autistic children ages five and under, my husband says he is just too tired and LOVES sex but isn't as "horny" as I am. He is happy with once or maybe twice a week.
Also, quality is better then quantity most of the time, but there are times that I offer hubby a "quicky" before work and that definitely revs him up for the day. haha That's hard to do, though, because he gets up at 5 AM.
S
Faith 1-23-03 born 2 months premature, AS,SID
Hope 2-22-04 born 6 weeks premature, ASD
Grace 5-4-05 born 4 weeks premature, ASD, SID
Joy 3-30-07 born 3 weeks premature
runat40, I see that your original post here was almost a month ago.
just to warn you I am very passionate about this, please dont be offended if I come across that way. I am not trying to start an arguement.
ok, not to upset you, but IMO it is NOT ok for a married man to look at porn or have
websites that 'hook you up' with ppl in your zipcode. Those sites are usually free for the first time or something like that.
My DH did this a few years ago and he was CHEATING on me. Not just looking at porn,but he actually met someone using those sites. I had some issues with sex that I needed to work out. It doesnt matter if you are having sex once a week or once a month or even once a year, if you are married, he is not allowed to have sex with someone else. (unless you are into that sort of thing.. JK)
Bottom line, you need to confront him and tell him the things you wrote in your post about how you feel about it. If you dont want him to do it, then you need to say so. He needs to know how you feel about it. If he respects you, your feelings and your children he will stop because you ask him to.
I would also make a point to tell him that this is a serious thing. Porn can be addicting. It was for my DH. We went to counseling and it took a long time for him to realize that even looking at it once is not ok. There is proven evidence that porn is addicting and leads to wanting more. Its an unrealistic view of sex. Most women (and men) not only do not look like that, but are not comfortable doing those types of things. Its not real life, no matter how much people try to convince you it is.
The meeting local people is very serious, because he could be looking to hook up or something and even if he isn't, he has toyed with the idea. This could be dangerous to his life, health, and you and your life and health. I told my husband that not only was I upset about the cheating, but the danger to his and my life. STD's are very serious. Not to mention, how do you know this person you are meeting isn't a psycho killer? I told my husband I would be more pissed if he got killed in some hotel room by doing this than the act itself and that if he left his wife behind with that memory of him it would be more devastating than cheating.
The counseling was a lifesaver for us. Not only did it help me with my sexual issues, it helped my husband and our relationship. We are stronger than ever before and I am just amazed everyday by it. If I wouldnt have left him and told him we wouldnt get back together until I felt safe with him, which then forced us to counseling, I dont know what would have happened. I cant imagine my life without him, and never could, but sometimes you have to dish out the tough love. I recommend marital counseling for every couple. There doesnt even have to be a huge issue, just to put things on the table, so to speak. We dont go anymore, but everyone once in awhile, the counselor checks on us. I have never been happier than I am right now.
You can even put keyloggers on the computer that are stealth to monitor whether or not he quits. We have one on both our computers and I am the only one who knows the passwords and he knows it is there (now he does, but not at first).
Oh and one more thing. It is NOT YOUR FAULT at any way if he is doing this. Stand your ground about that! Dont let yourself (or him!) point out any of your faults. it doesn't matter if your body is a wreck (although if it makes you feel better, work on it, boosting self esteem is NOT a bad thing) but you do not have to look like a porn star and you do not have to have a beautiful body. He said 'I do until death do you part for better and worse' and if anything, it is HIS job to take care of you physically and mentally if you feel down about yourself. He should be supportive of anything that has happened to your body and love you no matter what!
Tell him how you feel about it. Sorry if I got too passionate but this is something I can not, not feel passionate about. IMO secretly looking at porn is serious when you are married.
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i'd be upset about the local search thing! heck, i figured the password to fiance's singles site, canceled his membership(and they even send an email confirm to cancellation!), and apparently he never logs on cos that was just a couple weeks ago, and he aint figured it out!
all guys like porn, and i even look at it myself!
it doesnt really have anything to do with you, and i don't mind cos honestly, like he's going to run into jenna jameson on an airplane(or krogers grocery!), and sleep with her.....as long as it's not chicks we know and they're sending pix, i'm fine with it.....
Hi...just wanted to chime in...
I am not married but in a LTR and planning to marry in the near future...we have one child and are very very happy together and the sex is amazing! That being said my guy does occasionaly look at porn. And frankly I dont mind a bit. I am 100% sure that my guy is mine and that he loves and adores me. And to be honest with you, at times when Im just NOT in the mood I find porn to be a help rather then a hinderance. If I am simply not in the mood my guy can look at a few vids and make himself happy...and then everyone is happy!
I think what you need to ask yourself is how is it afftecting your marriage and your feelings? If its something your man does once in a while and you find no signs of it impeading your sex life or his love and respect for you as his wife and a woman then really, whats the harm?
I take my comments back.
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