Husband watching porn on internet

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2008
Husband watching porn on internet
48
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 1:08pm
I am a relatively open minded woman in my 40's. Had a successful career for 20 years, then left it and spent the last 4 years getting pregnant, nursing, getting pregnant AGAIN, nursing AGAIN! Wasn't rushing to have sex very often! Now the kids are 2 & 3.5 and my husband and I are having sex about once a week. I'm 5'6, 162lbs, started running and have been doing well. I have a way to go, but am beginning to get my groove back. Today, I was looking for a website in my history file and discovered that he's been on the internet looking at free porn sites. There is even a pay site where you can find people in your zip code who want to have sex!!! As far as i can tell, he hasn't signed up to get that service. So, is this the natural guy thing? Is he no longer interested in me because my body has been through hell for 4 years? Do I try having more sex with him to keep him? Is he going to leave me and my two babies for some younger tighter sexier version? Is he grossed out when he looks at me? Will he try to start a relationship with someone this way? I think all guys like porn, but when YOUR guy is doing it!!!!! Feeling really shocked, dejected!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 10:26pm

Hehe -- I just had this happen to me yesterday. I'm a newlywed of one month and one week, and I'm 7 months pregnant with my second, his first. Happened to be checking the history for a site I was at a couple days ago, and noticed that he had been looking at porn.

Frankly I was curious. So I looked at every site and video he looked at. Gave me a chance to see what turns him on and what he likes. Lol -- then I went upstairs where he was sleeping and woke him up. Told him what I'd found, teased him a bit about it, then f***ed him hard for about an hour or so. After the third time or so, I asked him if this was as good as what he had been watching -- he grinned at me and said better. I thought the whole thing amusing really.

He's still too uncomfortable to watch or look at it with me tho. Wierd, cuz I think it would turn both of us on enough that we wouldn't watch for very long..

Of course, one factor could be that unlike most women (apparently) my sex drive goes way up when I'm pregnant -- I can't get enough! He's actually had to turn me down because he was too tired/sore..

Sarah AKA XeraRose, mom to Lissa, 4 yrs
Baby #2 is due August 3, 2008!
Unschooling family -- education by experience!
DW to Andrew
Our wedding day was March 28, 2008>
SAHM, WAHM - I love working from home!
Check out my website -- promises.fourpointmoms.com

"You don't know what you can get away with until you try." -- Colin Powell












Sarah AKA XeraRose, mom to Lissa, 4 yrs
Baby Zarielle born July 22, 2008!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 5:04pm
I must say that ITA with just about everything you said Ren!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 9:48pm

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have a 3 and 19 month old and I'm pregnant again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Fri, 05-09-2008 - 12:11am

It's "a guy thing" until it interferes with you getting what you need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Fri, 05-09-2008 - 7:46am
It really doesn't bother me if my bf looks at porn occassionally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2006
Fri, 07-18-2008 - 10:21pm
Okay, remember, it's not YOU that has the problem. He could be married to the most famous porn star in the world and still do the same thing. It has to do with emotional unavailability. He is using the porn as a way to "cope". I didn't say that the porn was a right way, but it's a way.
I went through the EXACT thing you did. Before my DH and I got married I asked him point blank if he considered porn. I knew that his brother was very involved in it, although he and his brother are at odds about many things and are NOTHING alike. My DH said, "No, I have no use for it." End of discussion.
A few weeks later I was looking for a shoe and found a Maxim under our bed. It had a sexy young centerfold in a very scant bikini. I was mortified. I knew that my DH came home during the day. His office was in our home. After he got home, I asked him about it. He said that he wasn't looking at the girls, he was reading about a game the he and my son where thinking of playing on a video machine. I half bought it. It was a good argument and I tried to remember that he already told me the "truth" about the issue.
Okay, so eventually a letter box, like a file folder thing, appeared in the hall bathroom. His brother was living with us at the time. The only thing in the box was porn mags. I complained to my DH about it and he said that he would ask my BIL to keep them in his room.
Wedding day came and went. Three weeks into married life I was cleaning the hall bathroom and sure enough, the box had been gone for some time, but there was a couple of mags under the cabinet. I grabbed them and went to the livingroom where BIL was sitting. DH had run to the store. I said, "M*** said that he would remind you not to leave these in the hall bathroom, I would be embarrassed if someone used the bathroom and found them there." He said, "Hon, those aren't mine, why would I do that? I have my own room."
I felt all the blood rush to my face. I felt my chest tighten in a sort of hurt/fear feeling.
I went to my bedroom, closed the door and threw the mags on the bed. I began to cry uncontrollably. I decided to take a hot shower and gain some composure. When DH got home I was in the shower still crying. He entered the room with flowers from the store and asked what was wrong. I pointed to the bed, in tears. He put the flowers down without a word, picked up the mags and left the room.
I was so hurt. I hated him, felt abandoned and betrayed all at once.
I honestly can't remember what his lousy excuse was.
That same week I got snoopy and got onto our PC. We had different profiles. I went to his and I found TONS of porn. Pictures as well as movies. Of course we had a fight. I didn't handle it well at all. He removed everything but I spent the next year battling it. I had the router on our PC logging the websites and sending them to my email. While out of town he was surfing asian porn and I caught him at it. He fabricated this enormous lie that it was a friend that had come over. When I got home the friend called and I asked how he was and he had been laid up from a truck accident, had not been to my house for weeks!
More lies from DH. I was sickened and angry that I didn't see the sign beforehand, although he hid it well.
The thing is, I was a willing partner and I had a great figure (ugh 4 years ago! LOL!) and I was kind to him. I began to read books on how to be a better lover, how to do this and that to "please my man"... nothing changed it.
Finally, I had to plan to leave him. I was so sad because I loved him, but I could not live with someone who objectified women that way. Also, there is only one reason why men cruise porn, for masturbation. Naturally, our sex life wasn't all that grand, I mean he wouldn't flirt with me, or have a quickie, or get romantic and drag me to the bedroom.
Nothing... it was like he changed into someone completely different.
Well, I began to heal me. I read books about codependency and self discovery to get strong enough to be on my own.
He did give up the porn. He really did. I spent a long time telling him how harmful it is and degrading and I honestly believe it's adultery. I told him I felt like I had a husband that slept with a different woman every time I left the house. I just didn't want a man like that.
Okay, so here we are today. Things have improved TREMENDOUSLY, but only by the grace of God.
I really want you to know that I know exactly what you are going through. I also want you to know it's NOT YOU. You didn't break him and you can't fix him.
Blessings!
db
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sun, 07-20-2008 - 5:34am
Hugest hugs, and thank you for sharing your story.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 3:35pm
omg im going through the same thing as you did me and my fiance are engaged and we have a 2 yr old girl now before we had her our sex was great now its like hes afraid to touch me i was reading your story but my question is do i have to leave him to make him stop looking at porn ? i always thought it was me that he wasnt sexually attracted to me that im to fat and all that stuff what do i do please reply back thanks katie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 4:42pm

I know this whole post might be a strange idea to some people... but I am pretty sure most women have encountered the porn issue with their male partners. When my partner and I first started dating, he watched porn. I am pretty open minded about things, and I think that helped him be honest with me about it. It bothered me a some, for the same reasons it bothers most women: insecurities. But I didn't want to make him feel like he was doing something wrong. I mean, let's face it- there is a pretty huge percentage of men out there looking at porn. We can't go around making our partners feel ashamed for something EVERY guy does. So I put my insecurities aside and just talked to him about it. And then I watched some of it with him, asking him questions like "is that hot?" or "is that what you are into?" I actually discovered a lot about what he enjoys sexually this way. I feel like being open to what your partner enjoys sexually is SO important in any relationship. I think it's also your answer to get him to stop watching porn. I mean, set aside the insecurities- he obviously thinks you are attractive or he'd have picked someone else!

Another thing I did to get him to stop watching porn without making him feel bad about it: I took some pictures of myself! Yep, I know it's a little daring. They weren't porn exactly, but they were suggestive! He LOVED it. Do something like that and he'll be so grateful.

Be open to him, make him feel welcomed in the bedroom. Make him feel like you are comfortable with sex. He'll love you more for it, and he probably won't need porn to masturbate to- he'll have the memories of something you've done together! And hello! You'll get something out of it too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2008
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 1:08am
Well, it's been a while (April) since this topic started. I just wanted to tell you what happened to me. I'm 51 and "was" married to the man I loved for 30-years! One night, he gave me an assignment to find some storm windows for the house and I accidentally went into the history when I lost a website. To my astonishment... I saw where he had been looking at porn! The history was only for 2 weeks, and I looked back and he had been looking at it every night! He worked nights and got home about 11:00 p.m. I couldn't keep quiet and called him up right before he left to come home. The first thing he asked was if I had completed the research he'd given me. I paused for a couple of secs then said Honey, I found something very interesting! What the heck is hairywomen.com? (it's not there anymore!) He was quiet and I think he almost swallowed his tongue. He took a deep breath and lied and said, he didn't know what I was talking about. Since I am a secretary and more computer savvy than he... I was calm but in a firm voice said Jerry, there's a website on here with porn and I didn't go there! He lied again and said, Oh- that just popped up once when I was looking at my fishing sites, that's all. I asked him if he had gone into the site at all and he lied again and said no. After listening to him rant about how horrible the internet is now, I finally got almost sick to my stomach. I told him to stop! I then told him that I had looked in the history and found that he went there every night, but the idiot didn't know how long the history went back. He lied again and said that it was just this week and he wouldn't do it again. I then proceeded to tell him that it was for 14 days, and that I had gone into every site he looked at and reviewed every single girl he had pulled up! I even said a couple of their names and that he must have liked them best because he went there more often! He didn't say a thing, swallowed and said that we'd talk about it when he got home. About an hour later, I was there sitting on the couch patiently and he walked in - all 6'4 of him. He told me that he would just talk about this once and we could never speak of it again. He admitted it and didn't know why he did it the first night, but swore that he would never do it again! I asked him if that was the reason that our sex life had diminished to a couple times a month, and he said no. All along he had been saying that he couldn't stay erect because of his bp meds. I asked him to get a rx to fix this and this was about 6 mos before the porn site! So again he blamed it on his meds and said that he would get a rx to help. I said okay, but I needed to know about this from now on. He said that if he felt the need again, that he would just get me to come in there and join him and we'd view it together. In a week or so, he got the rx from his doctor. I got it filled and for a month, I begged him for us to try it! He wouldn't do it. Said he was afraid to take it. By the time he wanted to try it, it was too late! In the back of my mind, I remembered the lies he told me. As time went on, I grew the courage to realize that this was the last thing I could take from him. After years of being mentally abused by this HE-Man, bully, and telling me that I was worthless, couldn't do anything right, wasn't attractive any more, etc... I made up my mind to leave him. Because of his abusive temper, I had to plan everything and not be open, like I am about everything. My family thought he might take his gun and shoot me, then kill himself! Anyway, I borrowed money from my retirement to be able to get an apt. I planned to move on his next out of town fishing trip with the boys. He changed his schedule suddenly and I had to move my plans up, but it worked. I moved out July 15, 2007. He had a fit when he came home and I was gone. I tried calling him that day to tell him, but he doesn't turn his phone on until HE wants to talk to you! He filed for divorce 3 days later. I know this sounds dramatic, but it's the little straw that I needed to finally get the courage to leave. All these years I've taken meds for depression, now I barely take anything for it, my anxiety is gone and I'm so much calmer to my "core"! I didn't know what I had been putting my body and MIND through all those years! Come to find out, he lied about everything! We really had been living a lie all those years! He wasn't the person I had married. I always hoped and prayed that he'd change, then I realized you can't change anyone! If THEY want to change, they can - but we can't make them. So I'm grateful for finding the porn site! To make it even funnier, I look at porn from time to time. I'm not really dating yet, but find that some of the sites are informative and want to be prepared! When someone asks me if I want to try this... well now I know what "this" means! I hope you have success in your marriage! Do NOT give up because of me! Just pay attention and don't be blind like I was all along. I had signs (not porn) but other things that I refused to see and the lies were always there! The mind plays tricks on us, and makes us forget the bad things along the way. When I wrote down the good and bad, there was a half page of good and PAGES of bad! So I did the right thing! Divorce was final 11 mos later. He lied all the time through it and said he wasn't dating and could only love me - but wouldn't go to counseling (we had gone years before). Come to find out, he had a woman living with him more than 5 mos. and I didn't find out until the week of Mediation, when me and the Appraiser went to the house. Boy was I mad! Because of his lies, and I proved them ALL! the Mediation went well and we settled. I got way more than my half! So God does look after those with a kind heart! God Bless!