Depressed and Desire-less

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2010
Depressed and Desire-less
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 9:08pm

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here, and my first time poating this question *anywhere*.

I'm 28, my husband is 33. We've been married for seven years (in July) and I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I've been in treatment for close to eight years (medication mainly, therapy when we can afford it because no one will insure me). My question is: how do I get my desire back. I've been on every medication under the sun- the ones that work wreak even worse havoc on my desire and when I'm not on medication or "good" medication, I can't get out of bed, am suicidal.... bad stuff.

I always read that lack of desire can come from depression, and to try switching to a different medication but that's not an option.  I'm ashamed to say I've "faked it"- being in the mood, not even the orgasm part. But I can't imagine our lives without that intimacy forever. Before the depression and medication my drive was stronger even than his. Now it's all I can do to have sex once a month (because he has been going through bad times of his own and I know sex helps him feel closer to me).

I just want to know if there is someone out there who is like me, and who has maybe found a way to get those feelings back. Or if there isn't some advice.... something, anything.

For all the things we've been through together, I just wish that we could take the physical solace of lovemaking in each other. Please help, and please pray (those that do) or just think good thoughts for us.

Thank you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 4:34am

Hi Anni, and welcome to the board.

I'm not really sure what help I can give you. From your post, it is quite clear that you have a good understanding of your situation, and know that you need to stay on your medication for depression, and can't keep trying different ones, yet you also want and need that closeness with your husband, and are concerned for him, too.

Is your husband aware of what you have said here? Are you able to talk to him about any of this? Would you be able to just start by some physical touching and cuddling on a regular basis, if you don't already, as a start to at least keeping that connection with him?

I'm really sorry I can't help any more than this, but I'll think about it, and try and come up with some other suggestions. In the meantime, perhaps someone else will read this and be able to help.


Still waiting for spring...


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2008
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 4:33am
Hi Anni,

It's wonderful that you're reaching out to try to recapture the sexual intimacy you once enjoyed with your husband. While I can't speak firsthand about depression, I would like to address one portion of your message:

I'm ashamed to say I've "faked it"- being in the mood, not even the orgasm part.

Please don't feel ashamed! You weren't faking your love for your husband, or your wish to feel close to him, or your desire to meet his needs. All that was missing was sexual arousal.

My own libido, which had always been relatively high, took a nosedive several years ago. I, too, faked being in the mood -- but slowly began to realize that I was actually feeling desire more than I was faking it. I believe that my libido returned to normal much more quickly than it would have if I hadn't faked it.

I like Nenu's idea of engaging in physical touch regularly, and you can also sometimes take care of your husband's sexual needs without intercourse. Try to initiate sex at least occasionally even though you may not be in the mood right then. If your husband always has to make the first move, or if he feels like sex is a chore for you, it's likely to dampen his desire as well, and the connection you want will be pushed further out of reach.

I wish you all the best as you try to regain your lost desire, and I really do think you're on the right track.