Low libido = Relationship in crisis

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2009
Low libido = Relationship in crisis
11
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 2:39pm

I can really use some help.

I have struggled with a low libido my entire life. No, wait. I've struggled with a lack of desire after the initial excitement of a relationship has worn off (say, 3 months) AND a low libido. When I'm not in a relationship I could care less about sex, but when I first meet a guy I'm very interested temporarily then the newness wears off and I'm back to having no desire.

I have had my hormones checked (all good), tried going on and off different birth controls and anti depressants, tried exercise, tried relaxing, tried 'spicing it up'.. Nothing. I have a lot of negative feelings about sex and men and I strongly believe a lot of that is because I've been years being pressured to do something I had no desire to do and so I've come to resent it.

When my boyfriend and I do have sex it's good. It's pleasurable and I enjoy it and I know when he initiates that I will enjoy myself but I cannot get started *mentally*.

There is so much I could write on this but previous experience with asking for help on this issue has shown me that most people say I either need to find a different partner, accept it as who I am and deal with the consequences (give up), or go into therapy. Finding a new partner is not an option and trust me it doesn't help, I refuse to accept it and though it's discouraging the crap out of me I haven't given up yet, and I've tried therapy several times but it hasn't made a difference yet. So my main question is this: Where can I go? Are there support forums out there dedicated to this? No offense to iVillagers but I've always come to a dead end when asking for help in these forums also. :( (though I won't turn away any advice here either).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 6:21am

Hi thoughtfish, and welcome to the Sexual Health Board.

I'm going to suggest you take a look at some different message boards here, if you haven't already discovered them. The first one is the Mismatched Libidos board, and here is the link.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/main.asp?webtag=iv-rlclashing&nav=start

I suspect you'll find others who are in the same case as yours, and helpful suggestions.

The other board is Let's Talk About Sex.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/main.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&nav=start

Hopefully on that board, you'll get some suggestions on how to get yourself in the mood.

Good luck. It isn't easy, but I hope you find the means to deal with it to your satisfaction and that of your partner.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 7:12am

Sorry I don't have any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 1:03am

The good news is that there are safe nonprescription and prescription solutions (below), many of which have been proven in published studies to increase a woman’s sex drive. Just be aware that figuring out how to increase the female sex drive is complicated because the desire to make love is influenced by so many factors including physical, emotional, relationship satisfaction, and the setting you are in. Possible causes of low sex drive in women include stress or anxiety, medications (anti-depressants, birth control pills) complexity of health issues (Diabetes, MS, cancer) and fatigue.

Of course, you should talk with your doctor. But here is a list of possible steps you can take:
• Have your doctor check your thyroid function.
• Check out the side effects of any medications that you may be taking.

• Zestra (nonprescription)
Two placebo-controlled studies published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy showed that this blend of botanicals (including borage seed and evening primrose oils, Angelica root and vitamins C and E) provided a significant increase in arousal, desire, genital stimulation, ability to orgasm and pleasure. This product (a topical oil) also worked equally well on women using SSRI antidepressant medicines.

• Hormone Therapies (prescription only)
Localized estrogen therapy - Placing estrogen directly into the vagina soothes vaginal tissue, and allows the secretions necessary for comfortable sex. They are available as suppository tablets, creams, or "rings," which sit inside the vagina and give off small doses of the hormone over time.
Compounded testosterone cream - Some pharmacies that make medicine from scratch offer testosterone creams and gels, but you'll need a doctor’s prescription.

• Vitamin E (nonprescription)
When used locally in the vagina it can help rehydrate tissue and may possibly increase sensation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2009
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 1:16am
Thanks for the responses. There are several factors at play as anyone would expect. I'll check out the suggestions for the other forums.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 9:43am
Good luck with it. Yes, I know there are other factors that come into it, there almost always are.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 9:45am
Thanks for posting, mc001. I wish you luck with your own mismatched libido situation.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 9:47am
Thanks for posting, Kelly. Unfortunately, a low libido isn't cured simply by measures that increase sexual urges, since often there are emotional aspects that are involved. There is no easy or simple solution.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2008
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 6:00pm

Since your biggest stumbling block is a lack of desire, I'm going to suggest something radical: Fake it. Let go of your past resentment and embrace the notion that you are going to enjoy yourself once things get started.



divine.rapscallion
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 7:20pm

Hello,

I could have written your post. My ex-bf broke up with me because of my low libido in January. I thought it was b/c of my birth control, or depression but I can orgasm when with myself, just not with my partner. I also didn't really want to ever have sex... I don't even really want to pleasure myself.

It became a huge issue in our relationship b/c he felt like I didn't enjoy sex with him - I did enjoy the intimacy but didn't get anything out of it. I think it's because of my issues with men and controlling me - I hate it. I don't know how to let that go.

Net, I am in therapy for this and a variety of issues. This is definitely one of them. For me, I think its' caused by depression.... that is my last hope! Otherwise, I'm just asexual or something. Hrmph.

I'm sure this post didn't really help you but I thought I'd let you know someone else feels the same

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 3:53am
Welcome to the board, ilovetrouble. I hope that your therapy helps you with everything going on in your life!




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