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|Wed, 07-20-2005 - 2:38pm|
I'm looking for a place that I will fit in - not sure if it's here - not sure if it's anywhere. In January 2004, my husband (age 43) was diagnosed with cancer of unknown origin. We fought this disease for a year and a half before it took his life on June 30th, 2005. We have 5 children (2 girls - 23 and 25 that are his, 2 boys - 21 and 17 that are mine, and one sweet 7 y.o. girl that we share(d)). At home, now, it's only me and my 7 y.o., as the 17 y.o. lives with his dad. Widows aren't supposed to be under 40 with little children.
I've read lots of stuff and know that grieving is individual - there's no right way. Still, I want to know that I'm "normal", whatever that is. I don't "fall apart" as much as I think I should, and often just go about life as normal, but I don't really feel normal - I feel kinda like I'm watching someone else live for me. And I want to do that even more - I would like to crawl into bed and stay there for ... I don't know how long, but a long time. I would like someone else to do all the stuff I have to do - from my job, to making my bed, to finding an apartment for my daughter and I to move into after we sell the house next month. Sometimes, it just feels like it's too much to have to do all this too.
I know that I'm supposed to grieve openly in front of my daughter, so she will know it's ok to be sad. I don't find myself able to do that. I try to treat her normally, like I did before he died, and before he even got sick. She saw a counselor several times before he died, and the counselor said it's important for boundaries not to change. I snuggled with her a couple of nights ago and asked if she still missed daddy, and she said, "A little," and then rolled over and went to sleep. I found a journal that she started, and she talked about some little things in her life, and she finished the entry with, "How's my mom? I think she's getting over the dad dying thing." Is it ok for her to think that? Last night, my dad was working on a memorial slideshow of my husband, and he showed it to me, and of course I cried. Then I went to the bathroom, and when I came out my daughter was there. My eyes were VERY red, but she didn't say anything, so I didn't either. Is that ok? I don't want this to come back to haunt me later - I don't want her to think, "You never missed daddy!"