New Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
New Here
7
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 2:38pm

I'm looking for a place that I will fit in - not sure if it's here - not sure if it's anywhere. In January 2004, my husband (age 43) was diagnosed with cancer of unknown origin. We fought this disease for a year and a half before it took his life on June 30th, 2005. We have 5 children (2 girls - 23 and 25 that are his, 2 boys - 21 and 17 that are mine, and one sweet 7 y.o. girl that we share(d)). At home, now, it's only me and my 7 y.o., as the 17 y.o. lives with his dad. Widows aren't supposed to be under 40 with little children.

I've read lots of stuff and know that grieving is individual - there's no right way. Still, I want to know that I'm "normal", whatever that is. I don't "fall apart" as much as I think I should, and often just go about life as normal, but I don't really feel normal - I feel kinda like I'm watching someone else live for me. And I want to do that even more - I would like to crawl into bed and stay there for ... I don't know how long, but a long time. I would like someone else to do all the stuff I have to do - from my job, to making my bed, to finding an apartment for my daughter and I to move into after we sell the house next month. Sometimes, it just feels like it's too much to have to do all this too.

I know that I'm supposed to grieve openly in front of my daughter, so she will know it's ok to be sad. I don't find myself able to do that. I try to treat her normally, like I did before he died, and before he even got sick. She saw a counselor several times before he died, and the counselor said it's important for boundaries not to change. I snuggled with her a couple of nights ago and asked if she still missed daddy, and she said, "A little," and then rolled over and went to sleep. I found a journal that she started, and she talked about some little things in her life, and she finished the entry with, "How's my mom? I think she's getting over the dad dying thing." Is it ok for her to think that? Last night, my dad was working on a memorial slideshow of my husband, and he showed it to me, and of course I cried. Then I went to the bathroom, and when I came out my daughter was there. My eyes were VERY red, but she didn't say anything, so I didn't either. Is that ok? I don't want this to come back to haunt me later - I don't want her to think, "You never missed daddy!"

Maria

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
In reply to: thek1dsm0m
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:59pm

Welcome to the board.


Oh dear...how hard this must be on you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: thek1dsm0m
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 4:42pm

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Hello, Maria!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
In reply to: thek1dsm0m
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 8:10pm

My husband was in hospice for 7 days before he died. The hospice people still call to check on us every now and again. I talked to them last week about my daughter and how she's not talking about this at all. They suggested another appointment with her counselor, so she is going on August 5th. When DH was alive, DD often prayed before dinner, and her prayer was always, "Dear God, please bless this food, and help my dad to get better. Amen". Well, she's prayed before dinner the last couple of nights again, and each night she has said the same thing, and then she gets embarrassed. So I told her it was ok, and that she can even still pray for daddy, and ask God to take care of him until we get there. So tonight, she said her old prayer again, and then she said, "oh, wait. Help my daddy be happy there." So I think that was good... Today in church, the pastor talked of visiting a woman in hospice last week who had only hours left, and he talked of how her 2 little girls came to see her while he was there. I'm going to call him Monday, and find out how old those girls are, and maybe we could set up a little support group for the children. I go to a very big church - close to 3000 members last I heard, and I'll bet there are even more children who have lost parents.

Maria

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: thek1dsm0m
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:39pm

Maria, it sounds as though you handled that well with your daughter.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
In reply to: thek1dsm0m
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 8:23am

We do have several pastors, but they also have a mental health component at my church - this is where my daughter sees the counselor (and me too if I need to).

Maria

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
In reply to: thek1dsm0m
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 8:26am

Great idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You are reaching out to others also. Wow. I am so grateful you are on this board, it gives ME good ideas too.


Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
In reply to: thek1dsm0m
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 8:41am

Hi


I too lost my husband. On July 25, 2005 he died in a motorcycle accident. He was 25, I am 23, and I now have our 1 year old son to raise alone. I have cried only a couple of times, but right now I am more mad at my husband than anythng else...but I think everyone has their own grieving "time line" that they follow...I hope you find all the support that you need here, and if you need to talk you can e-mail me at huntersmommy7224@bellsouth.net