My mother passed away

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
My mother passed away
4
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 9:09am
On June 15, 2005, my mother committed suicide. And it wasn't until the following morning when I found out. I received a call from my father, crying, around 2:55 am, informing me of my mother's passing. And in that very moment, my world came crashing down. I felt as though I was living in a nightmare. How? Why? I can't even begin to explain how hard it is for me to write these words down at this moment, but I feel the need to do so. I'm 24 years old. My mother was 54. I never thought I would have to deal with this so early in my life. As I recount those days that followed her death, I feel though I'm recalling a dream. Making her funeral arrangements...picking out her casket. Never in my life could I ever see myself doing this. But where there's life, there's death. Sometimes we feel as though we're immortal. But we're immediately knocked back into reality when we experience a significant loss in our lives.
My mother...she was my world. I loved her more than anyone else in this world; sometimes even more than myself. She was so strong, vibrant, full of life, spiritual, talented, beautiful, fearless, wise, innovative...the list goes on. And in anytime you were in her presence, you knew you were in the presence of God. So WHY did she do this????? My mother suffered from depression most of her life. But it wasn't until after she died that I learned how serious her depression was. It wasn't until after she died that I learned that she was bipolar. Now a month ago, I hadn't a clue what bipolar was. But now I know. And I continue to seek knowledge about this awful demon that took my mother away from me, because my mother was a strong woman. She was able to persevere through hard times before. Be battled breast cancer 6 years ago. As a matter of fact, she used her own battle with cancer to create a ministry of healing that helped other women in the struggle find hope and even victory. But it was during her bout with cancer that her depression became worse off. But she came through. She fought hard. But I guess cancer couldn't compare to depression she battled most of her life.
My heart is broken. We were so close. Sometimes the pain and hurt is so intense I'm not so sure I can go on. And as the days go by, the more confused I become. Confusion over my feelings. Confusion over her death. I just didn't see this coming. And I keep asking myself what could I have done to help prevent this? I don't know. I just know that I miss my mom terribly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 5:13pm

Hon, I am sitting here with tears running down my face.

AcornLeaves
Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 9:38pm

Oh my dear. My heart aches for you.


I lost my Mom to Alzheimers 4 years ago. That was hard enough, but the illness that took her life was not in her control. Please know that there was NOTHING you could have done and no way to prevent what happened.


I know that my feelings about my Mom and my sister's deaths (Geri died last December) are overwhelming at times. I love them and hate the diseases that took them away (Geri died of systemic lupus). I am so angry sometimes and so sad at others. Then there are the times when others tell me that at least they are not in pain anymore. And then I feel guilty for missing them so much.


Sometimes just saying or writing here how I am feeling at that moment helps so much. Feel free to tell us how you feel.


Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 1:04pm

I'm so sorry for your loss, dillard03. I can not imagine losing my mother at this point in my life. My mom and I are very close. My best friend recently passed away from a massive heart attack. I've sought help through the employee assistance program at work and am making an appointment with a grief counselor on Monday. In the meantime, the EAP person I've been talking to brought me a book called "Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing your Heart" by Dr. Alan Wolfelt. It's helped me understand a little more about the feelings and emotions I've been experiencing. It talks about the confusion we feel and all the other emotions we might go through. I don't know much about bipolar - all I do know is that it's very serious and breaks my heart when people succumb to that disease.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. Someone once told me that love trancsends death. I really did not know what that meant until my friend died. I'll continue loving my friend, as you do your mother and no matter what I feel today - I will eventually NOT feel this horrible and sad.

KC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 4:54pm

Hi, KC, Dillard03, and everyone else!


I cannot say enough good things about everything that is written by Dr. Alan Wolfelt.

AcornLeaves